Yes, Bond, I burdened my W, and burden is exactly the right word. Sandi's advice to have a great time without her seems perfectly on the money, and I hope doing so now and in the future removes some of the burden. Perhaps it is this she was fleeing from all these years.
Yes, Bond, I have been hiding. That is the conflict avoidance unlearning. I've been rehearsing verbal responses to various situations on and off today, hoping that this conditions my mind to push back and regain some of what I've lost.
A small assertive 'victory', by the way, occurred when I visited my parents a few weeks ago. My dominant, patriarchal, 84 year old, Dad is now incontinent, much to his disadvantage (and those around him). I mustered myself and directly addressed this problem with him, three times, with ever increasing intensity, something I would not have done earlier.
It is funny how relationships develop their own dynamic. I am actually okay at meeting and addressing new people, out of the blue, at least one on one, which you might not believe from all the posts here. Somehow my W and I have an imbalance which isn't present in those other relationships.
My hope is that by finding my own happiness now and working on clearing the relationship with my W will improve things, no matter what the outcome may be.
I appreciate your honesty and insight, Bond, thank you.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Reflected sense of self = defining yourself by how others react to you.
Your own sense of self = being who you want to be regardless of how others respond
If W responds negatively to you it does not make you bad, and acting in a way that solicits a positive response from her does not make you good.
You need to find Luke independent of W, then assert Luke and let the cards fall where they may.
Make sense?
There is lots of hand wringing in your posts second guessing what to do and what to say based on how they will be received, even very innocuous things like where to plant tulips, what meal to prepare, what to say, how to respond, how to brush into W on your way by to get the best response. This is all defining yourself by the reactions you get. Determine who you are then act as that person would act.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
GM - my dad is a proud patriarch. He would normally not stand for being spoken directly to (my sister tried, for example, and he immediately changed the subject), but the problem was acute enough for all involved (it would stop people from wanting to see him again, or from wanting to work with him) that my sister and I felt it was best to address it.
I told him he had a problem with incontinence and that it could hurt his relations with others (he is still trying to do business deals). I said he should please address this, and could do so by xxx.
This was done out of love and concern, not to be assertive! Would you like your dad to smell badly because of incontinence? Assertiveness was needed to do this (I was always the 'nice' son with the dominant dad), sure, but it was not the point, just a tool.
Yes, I may well be incontinent one day. Neither he nor my mom could smell the problem, but I could, and so would others, and so - * out of love * - I addressed it.
Just had an okay lunch with wife, only the two of us, talking about the Henrietta Lacks documentary I saw last night.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
GM - should I not have addressed this? It was so bad in their apartment that I had to lay on the ground, next to the open porch door, in order to breathe at night. In my book, the only answer was to point it out and suggest solutions, such as that he should wear an adult diaper (which he doesn't seem to do). I finally don't care how he addresses it, but wanted to make him aware of the problem and its effects on others. The point was not to hurt or embarrass, but to help.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Argh. The past three or four times you've reported something here, someone challenged you, and you wrote back perfectly good reasons why you did it, followed by, "should I have done that? what should I have done instead, do you think?"
... I would have loved to see you tell (us) to shove it.
To tell us that you are capable of standing up to your dad in a loving way and did, to explain how, and to assert that YOU know you did the right thing, and everyone else is welcome to their opinions. It would be a start of something different for you.
Stop caring so much what we think, and you might learn to care less what W thinks. BE YOU. You know where you want to go with yourself, and you'll get there if you start with one step and then another.
Tell me to mind my own business.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
God Forbid. You have to understand cell-phone language to get it.
Those were nice strong answers Luke, I hope you thought so too because it's all about what you think about yourself, not what I think.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
