Unlearning conflict avoidance 7

[hurtin'part]

Luke:

I am a newbie and I have been following your thread among many others here.

I recommend you read "The way of the superior man" by Deida - if you haven't yet.

I think your wife would appreciate you being more manly and this book gives some good advice on simple ways to get there.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi HP,

(we are just listening to Harry Potter...) and welcome to DB.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Well, the weekend was not bad: I went out Friday night to see the Liberace (Michael Douglas - excellently acted) and his lover (Matt Damon) film, quite an eye opener to hear the arguments the two of them had, and then met two guy friends on Saturday evening for dinner/hanging out/playing music together. These are both (married) men that I respect a lot, one for taking no s**t from anyone, and the other for his spiritual balance, always knowing what to do, and general masculinity. After lots of wine, I was home at 2am.

W was not unpleasant, mostly staying indoors to prepare for work. She still doesn't actively start a conversation, is in her (now the guest) room most of the time, and still prefers to cook her own food (though I got to make half of dinner tonight). I keep the thought of not being her butler etc. in mind, and it seems we are co-living/working on common tasks.

On the plus side - a jar that is potentially good for making jam (which would mean staying here until the berries are in again) is in the dishwasher, though probably it is just going to be used to store paintbrushes during renovation before selling the house. I know not to put any weight at all on this, but it made me glad in a small way nonetheless.

I talk to both T and my DB coach tomorrow. The DB subject will be this co-stuff - it seems to be what W wants, and certainly makes less work for me. Any suggestions you have for what to discuss are welcome also.

Thanks from a 'you forget how dark it can get' Sweden - Luke

[LuckyLuke]

I just had a DB coaching session. Main thrust is to take the initiative, leading, showing a different me:

o move into the master bedroom, out of my son's room
o talk to her earlier rather than later, at my time, not hers
o say we should list house early, after Christmas, asking a high price
o talk to her before she talks to me, validating her loneliness and anger, and saying I have no defense for having treated her this poorly, and being so unfair, but that I won't lie anymore;
o that what I want is for her to heal because, having been together so long, of course I care about her; that her current relationship style won't cut it in her next relationship
o that I'll sign in March, as she wants, but on the condition that she no longer treats me so badly; my next marriage will be to a soft, giving woman (I am explicitly supposed to talk about my next marriage, which might be to her)
o say that I want to give us both a fighting chance for the future, especially given how bad I was at being married - she needs to grow up
o anything I can do to help you forgive me and heal, and get this out of the system, is useful and important
o if she asks about online dating, jokingly do not answer, perhaps by asking whether she thinks I should go Asian or African next time
o surprise her with this leadership and frontal addressing of the problem
o if she insults me again in the car, for example, tell her so and say she can either be civil walk home

Luke

[makingmagic]

Hi Luke... that sounds like a good list. ARe you able to do some of that? Where will you start first?

Magic

[Fartiltre]

Hi L

I also like the list!
It seems reasonable, doable and measurable and that’s what’s needed.

I agree with MM:
Now it’s up to you to actually make this happen so stay focused and take a look at the list every morning (preparing) and every evening (evaluating).

F

[Accuray]

Who is your DB coach? Sounds like excellent advice. I am eagerly waiting for you to move back into the master bedroom.

[LuckyLuke]

Chuck is my coach. Moving into the master bedroom should not be hard, as it is currently only used for storing W's clothing and odds and ends (she and d15 sleep in the downstairs guest room now).

Luke

[sandi2]

Moving into the master bedroom should not be hard, as it is currently only used for storing W's clothing and odds and ends (she and d15 sleep in the downstairs guest room now).

[LuckyLuke]

I don't understand, sandi2.