Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[Mimi00]

Mimi, if you want to go skydiving, I say save up and do it! I did it 3 years ago and it was amazing! Such a big rush and a big accomplishment - made me feel great about myself to do something so crazy.

Hope you are doing well and have a great week!

Hey Chl0! Nice to hear from someone who sky dived and had a good experience.
Doing it would be the biggest 180 everrrrr lol.
I think it would make me feel unstoppable and give me the push I need to do everything I want to do in life and let go of fear.

[Mimi00]

My H texted me the a few days ago to tell me I will see a large sum of money come into our joint checking account and he be paying of some of his bills with some of it and putting the resf into savings.....he said he was just letting me k ow so I wouldn't be alarmed ans he'd explain later.

Today I saw the money in the bank, it was a disbursement from a pension/retirement company. So I assume my H asked for his retirement funds with this company to be released to him.

I don't have much knowledge in this area...so I was wondering if anyone could tell me if this is "normal" for people to do? Are there any negatives of doing this?

Also another random question....I believe when my H started his new job after BD he filled out his tax docs as not married....even though we are still married (we aren't legally seperated either) and he makes more money. When I started my new job I filled out my tax doc as married but with no dependants and as the spouse making less. Could something negative happen to me b/c he has claimed not married on his tax documents?


Or is none of this my business?

[jp787]

M, If your married it is your business.

You need to be involved with your taxes and know how they are being filed. I am NOT an expert, but minimum concern would be not paying enough and that can cause problems. Taxes can be filed separate while married. Just check into it, you are right to be concerned.

The retirement, depending on if it's an IRA or what kind of IRA, cashing it out early has substantial monetary penalty and may be counted as income, which will affect you taxes.

Check with a tax person for best advice.

[KdogGS]

Mimi, that's a big deal. I work with money, you need to find out what he did. Married filing separately can indeed negatively impact you depending on deductions and things. The distribution from a retirement account can be taxed as income plus a 10% penalty. I don't want to see you get hurt at tax time from this.

How large of a sum are we talking?

[Mimi00]

Thanks JP & K for your responses.

K-- $4,700 was deposited. He called it a "life policy", (I guess he has another retirement built up with a different company and nothing goes in to this one), says the penalty was 5% and that they've already taken the taxes before they deposited it.



This morning H text'd and asked me to call him.
So after waiting a little time I did.

He didn't initially say where the money came from, he just asked if I needed anything. I said "I can't think of anything off the top of my head" (I didn't know what to say, I probably should've said thanks, I will let you know if anything comes up.) He said he just wanted me to know he can help if there's anything I need. (I'd feel strange "needing"/"taking" money from him right now. But it could be a 180 as it may make him feel good to provide something for me? While married, I never touched his income b/c our 1st year, I didn't have a job, and one day in anger he said I was using him for his money and purposely didn't want to work. So since that day I made sure to show him I can take could of myself and didn't "need" him, which ended up probably caused damage for him as a man.)

We talked for about 15 mins, he mentioned he's driving to a city 2 hours away from where he lives to "pick up some things... and look at furniture" and he also brought up his progress with not smoking again.

I circled the conversation back to the lump sum of money he got, I asked where it came from (even though I know), whats the penalty etc....
Then after talking a little more about other stuff I ended the conversation.

After I got off the phone, I was thought maybe, since he asked if I needed anything, to ask for $300 to get a TM on a name I'd like to use for a business I want to start.
I will have to think about if it's worth asking or if I should save up and do it on my own???


Is it strange that I don't really desire to talk to him?
Things are much easier not talking, for me....
Maybe it's fear, maybe I'm scared he'll bring up D....

[KdogGS]

Thanks for clarifying. I think you should take him at his word that he had the taxes withheld and paid the penalty. A "life policy" is generic, but it could have been an annuity or something through a workplace plan, which a 5% penalty sounds about right.

I think that the fact you don't have a desire to talk to him shows that you're detaching effectively.

As for asking for money- are you paying any of his bills while you two are apart? If you're sharing some of his expenses I wouldn't think it weird to ask for $300. If you're each self-sufficient at this point it might make less sense.

[Mimi00]

He makes double what I make so he takes care of his own debts and bills since he left.
I cover my own expenses as well.
He recently asked me for money when he ran low...I gave him $50.
The week after BD he asked to borrow $1, 000 to get back to the city where he's starting his new life....I gave him $600.

I assume he took the money from this policy b/c he basically wiped out our joint savings since BD. So this money was fix to get the savings back to where it was and he won't have to ask me for help anymore.

He plans to keep whatever is in our joint savings in the end. We have another savings with just my name on it (he didn't want his name on it so he woukdnt be tempted to ise it). I'm also the only one who has contributed to it...so he says I should be fine walking away with that.

[KdogGS]

He makes double what I make so he takes care of his own debts and bills since he left.
I cover my own expenses as well.
He recently asked me for money when he ran low...I gave him $50.
The week after BD he asked to borrow $1, 000 to get back to the city where he's starting his new life....I gave him $600.

Don't be a doormat. If he makes twice what you do, he can learn to live more frugally. I wouldn't give him any more money, it's enabling. Maybe someone else can chime in here.

[labug]

Why would you need to loan him money if he makes double what you make?

[Mimi00]

I forgot, he does pay the car insurance even though I have the vehicle.

Stories behind why I gave him money those times:
He was only to be where he is for a travel assignment for a few months, his housing was paid for by the travel company that assigned him, we saved the extra money from not having rent.

A few months later, when he came to visit and BD he spent a lot of the money saved during his 3 week visit as he wasn't working during those weeks. So after BD he wanted to go back to where he was assigned, permanently. So he asked me for $1, 000 to help him cover his groceries bills & expenses during the 2 week wait for his for his next check.

I gave him $600 instead of the full amount.....b/c I don't think he expected me to give him anything, I think he expected the old me who wouldve been too angry/hurt to even speak....so I was DBing, in my mind, by giving him a portion of what he asked for. He has no one to help him but me...his family cant help him financially. So I did feel bad for him as well.

Now that he's decided to stay there and take a permanent position his hosuing is no longer covered.....its a VERY expensive place to live...2 weeks ago he had to put $3, 000 down for rent/deposit/last months rent, to move in to his new apartment. Thats when he hesitently asked for "whatever I could give", Bc he used his whole check that week and the rest of the savings to cover it....so i gave him $50.

He's not the best with money... he didn't have a savings account before we got married and he couldn't stop taking money out of the savings during the marriage.

But now he said he's trying to do better w/ money...again, I assume that's why he took out this policy to try and get back ahead on saving again, quickly replace all he's spent in the last few months...not the best idea in my opinion, but that's how he operates.

I doubt he'd ask for anything else now that he has this money. He should be set as long as no emergencies come up.

I don't think I will ask for any of his policy money, even though he offered.
I will work hard and save to get the things I need....that's who I am.