Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[LuckyLuke]

Jon, PM - thanks.

Yeah, I don't see any reason to change being more assertive, even if my W thinks I am imitating her, and working on getting friends, and GAL in general.

One good thing from this morning was daring to speak to my W - .

If EE (I may be there again, this time in a support role) works out, I am hopeful for even further improvement.

Luke

[PatientMan]

Just become who you want to become. You're not doing it for her, but she - everyone - will definitely notice over time.

Don't let what she says and does bother you. Pretend that...I don't know...you're rubber and she's glue.

Actively pursue the man you want to be, LL! Focus on your basics and forget about the rest for now. You can do it!

-PM

[LuckyLuke]

Thanks, PM, I really appreciate your encouragement!

[KenF]

Luke,
you need to get a tattoo. or grow your beard, or shave if you already have one. just go shake yourself up.

one positive you may be able to take out of all of this mess is that you know exactly where you stand.

at this point, you have nothing to lose.

there's no longer any need to worry what she thinks, or that your actions may in some way ruin your chance to save your M.

go out and just be.

[MrBond]

This is so frustrating. When are you going to stop letting her walk all over you? You should not have even let it escalate that far. The only thing you haven't done is stand up to her. You let her spew all over you and all you did was defend yourself. STOP doing that. As I and others have recommended, you should have just looked her cold in the eye, stopped her from talking and told her you will not be talked to in that manner any longer and then walk away.

She knew she could bully you and she did. Badly. I can see where she feels you haven't changed AND you didn't have to keep telling her she was wrong or that you were changing, etc. Start asserting yourself in a more powerful manner.

[jp787]

LL, have you tried any classes or books on being more assertive?

I guess you would need to want to change that part of you, is that something that you want?

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond,

Some of what wife said was true. I told her she was wrong on what she was wrong about. I started as an unassertive, introverted nerd, many years ago, and now that is changing.

I took assertiveness classes in college, and have read a number of books on it - thanks jp. 'Your perfect right' strikes me as the best of the bunch.

Ran into French guy friend, with whom I had played music last weekend, and he had such a good time that he is buying a bass guitar and we are getting together again (his Saturday morning run was 15 miles this time...), before I leave for the States. Somehow everything clicked at this last jam.

Beard started (last time I had one and shaved it off, I left a Hitler mustache on for an extra day, for fun - you should see how people respond to you - ).

Luke

[MrBond]

Sounded more like she did more of the same and so did you. You already told her before you were changing. Don't keep validating her. I don't know if you noticed it or not, but just when you think you've become more assertive, she kicks it up a notch and insults you even more. The goal is to be assertive and proud of yourself and to have enough self-esteem to stop her from spewing even before she starts.

[LuckyLuke]

So no longer validate... not sure I agree, as it seems very unDBing... but I see your point with no longer taking c**p. One question that comes up is whether I want to be married to this person any longer - certainly not as she is currently.

Nothing changes in my goal of being more assertive and GAL. Just got invited to make music again, this after having run into another friend while biking (and W returns from her run to find the two of us talking), and having bought a (used) table I like yesterday, without asking anyone.

If W claims I have learned something cultural from her, I can point out that I was interested in the humanities before her and didn't need her to be interested in poetry, art history, etc.

Not much point in having any R talk with this woman just now.

Luke

[MrBond]

"So no longer validate... not sure I agree, as it seems very unDBing..."

No your problem is that you continue to validate her and it's been years that you've been in this sitch. Stick to what you said before and don't keep explaining your actions.

"If W claims I have learned something cultural from her, I can point out that I was interested in the humanities before her and didn't need her to be interested in poetry, art history, etc. "

Why do you keep having to have these long drawn out explanations? If she says something like that, laugh at her and say something like "yeah right". And then walk away as if you had some private joke at her expense. Don't feed the fire. Extinguish it right off the bat. You don't need to constantly explain things.