I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

Just wanted to post a quick update and tell you all how much it means to me to read your posts back to me.

Job you should have seen the smile on my face when I read that you were proud of me. Yup, I've read that more than a few times now. I'm still being as patient as possible for this former Ms Impatient Gal.

Wonka your insights are incredibly helpful. I don't know what I need to do get you to FB so I can harass you more often...in a good way mind you. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

PM, complicated, nero,and BF, thank you so much for your posts. Things are moving really fast in a positive direction. It's because of your posts that I know I need to keep these updates flowing. I know how much it helped me to read about positive things from others.

The things that is strange is now that I'm in this situation, I don't trust it. I don't want to jinx it. Things that are not a big deal, get over analyzed and blown out of proportion. Can I see why he would tell ow4 that he isn't working on our R and how it was never good anyway? For sure. You know why? Cause I tell people we're not working on our R either. I keep the positive stuff on the downlow and have this mindset of it could change at anytime. So if I'm that way, imagine Mr MLCer. Plus add to that his concern that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Yes I get it. I get why he said it. I get why he still has those strings to them. Because the thought of starting over with someone new is near the front of my mind too. It's still a scary time for both of us. And starting over with someone new looks exciting. Looks freeing. Does not look scary like being with H and working through all this crap from the past several years.

It's very strange when you get to this point, I have to tell you. There is the drive to push it, to force things, to guide it, to just say, "Hey Babe, what's holding you back? This is so damn simple. This is so easy. Why is it taking you months and months to get to the place I got to in 5 mins?" To sit back and continue to let him work it out is HARD. Because the answers are so simple. It's like watching a child learn to walk, and just sitting back and letting them fall over and over again.

And I'm not perfect. I have made some mistakes and setbacks lately. I have let emotions come out to play. I have seen the opening and dug in at him. I have done things for one reason, only to discover I was doing them for quite a different reason. The pain and the hurt is difficult to manage. It's hard to work through pain when the person who caused it shows no remorse for it. I'm going to start IC for this reason.

So for the news....Do I think he is attached to me, he is reconnecting to me? Hell yes. Majorly. I don't think he realizes this, but he is. The biggest tell was that even when his parents left, his connection became stronger. He is calling me constantly, telling me play by play what he is doing, what we are doing. Last night we went out on what I would classify as a date. He drove. He made me pick the place to eat. He planned everything out for me, to make sure it was things I liked, things I wanted to do, and he told me multiple times he had done this and asked me about it, in the "I did this because you like this," kind of way...a checking for reassurance that he had done things I liked. He is taking me out for dinner again tonight, just the two of us.

Even though his parents are gone, he has not moved out of the MBR back to the guestroom. I have a constant shadow. If he is home, I can't be on DB/FB because he is right there, attached at the hip.

He is affectionate at night, snuggling, rubbing his feet on mine, etc (yes I mean E. T. C.!) But he doesn't hug or kiss me outside of "in the bed" affection. I have done the non-sexual touches, telling him I appreciate him, etc. It's like he is reconnecting in a subconscious way, but when he thinks about it, he gets guarded.

He is talking to me about the future, and when I mean future I mean 2 years time, 4 years time. These are the things he wants to do as a family, these are things I need to remember to do, to plan. Even short-term things, like wanting me to get the guys out to get Christmas lights on the house.

So there it is. All good, good stuff right? All the stuff everyone would want to have right now. But yes I'm still guarded. Yes I think it could flip at any moment, because it did. Because 15 months ago we had this amazing life, and I just found out I was pregnant, and everything was perfect. And one day I woke up and found out that I thought I was just this happy pig in the pasture, that life was grand, that life could not be better. But on that same day the farmer woke up and knew that the time had come that he had anticipated for months or years. This was the day that pig was going to be slaughtered. H and I both woke up on that same day 15 months ago with very different realities. It was a BD for me. It was a BD for that pig. But H knew, just like the farmer knew. H knew for a very long time.

I don't know if I will ever get back to that pre-BD state. I don't know if I will ever wake up again without having that anticipation that this could be the day I go to the slaughter. I don't trust anything I see, anything I feel. I have no expectations. If I have any expectations it's the expectation that one day in the near future I'm going to wake up, and it's going to be slaughter day.

And when expectations are like that, making me so guarded. When I think that any moment he could jump out from behind me and yell, "Surprise!" I feel myself pulling to be the one to blow it up first.

[LoisB]

Raine,

Enjoy this. I think it's the same as dropping the rope on their crazy behavior, you have to drop the rope on the good stuff too. Just let it be and enjoy it.

How long do you think your H has been in MLC? I'm just curious. I was thinking about this the other day, wondering when it all started for us.

I think my H had been building up to this huge blowout MLC almost from day one. He had these fits and starts of a crisis and few times he would go bat-sh!t crazy. This time he really fell off the edge of the cliff.

Anyway, I'm glad things are going well. I hope you can relax and enjoy this part of the process.

Heather

[uRworthy]

My friend, I am so happy for you. Not only for the reasons you think. I am happy that you have looked inside. I am even happy that you are going to a C. I would not have become who I am without her help.

That being said, of course you are guarded. And that's ok, really. You have to protect your heart. I get that.

Just dont be so guarded that you dont enjoy the possibility of a future with your h. Dont be so guarded that he feels it impossible to really get close.

This point you are at is a fragile time for both of you.

Take your time. Let him lead, but, show him the way, too.

At the end of the day, I just want whatever you want for you.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Raine!

I was happy to read your post!

You're doing so well.

I don't know if I will ever get back to that pre-BD state. IMO, you won't. We won't. You're different. He is different. You can still have a happy, ecstatic, in-love M, knowing that if the rug is pulled out from under your feet, you can make it. You are wiser now. You have strength, resources.

It's very strange when you get to this point, I have to tell you. There is the drive to push it, to force things, to guide it...
To sit back and continue to let him work it out is HARD. Because the answers are so simple.
Agreed. I felt this same way. It takes so much patience still.

I still struggle with wanting to control H. But it is getting easier over time.

And when he slipped into a little replay activity this weekend (story on my thread), I was WITH him. He wanted me there.

It still is hard to not want to say to him "this behavior is unacceptable." To smile, hug him, be happy to see him, feel his pain still, and not expect him to be totally comfortable in his own skin.

At times, I still ask myself, when will I be M to a mature man? Someone who is still fun but doesn't only seek teenager activities?

I looked inside myself and thought something I read on this forum long ago. Something like the best way to move our spouses along is to move along ourselves. So that's what I'm gonna do.

And I hear in your post that is what you are doing. And you're guarding your heart.

Yes, my H said many times how much easier it would be to start with someone new. But I reminded him, and luckily his personal IC did too, that it would only be a matter of time when the same situation arises if you haven't taken care of the problems.

So glad H drew closer to you when his parents left.

The pain and the hurt is difficult to manage. It's hard to work through pain when the person who caused it shows no remorse for it. I'm going to start IC for this reason. This is so true. My H has never acknowledged to my satisfaction what he put me through. I think he just sees me as a rock. I think IC (the right one) can not only help you with your pain but help balance things in your mind. Helps with not over analyzing and blowing things out of proportion, as you mentioned.

Keep going, Raine, it's all good stuff.
Hugs,
rH

[job]

Raine,
This is the hardest part of the journey when they are home and reconnecting. You want to push and prod and rush the process, but you can't. You'll scare the fragile child back into the rabbit hole and it will take far longer for your little bunny to come out again.

Continue to drop the crumbs of friendship and allow him to gobble them up. The more you can relax around him and just go w/the flow and follow his lead, the better. Patience and more patience are needed when you get to this point in the crisis.

I know you can do this. Keep up the good work!

[complicated]

Hi Raine just checking up on you! I'm hoping that the two of you are still testing the waters. You know it has to start somewhere. I would be happy for just a little affection so starting with cuddling is a start nonetheless. The other times will come but if he was never like that before in public I don't know if that would change that much.

The fact he is talking about the future sounds SO positive Raine. At least he sees himself with you, making plans. It is going to take time but he!! look what you've already been through? But don't push too hard. I feel like maybe I did and he did get scared and run away and I don't want you to make the same mistake. But I agree it seems SO simple, why can't they see how easy the answer is?

I hope your dinner date was great! I'm looking forward to hearing all about it.

Yes, all great stuff. I'm so encouraged to read a few people on here that are having positives in their sitch. Just when I'm about to give in I come on here for encouragement.

I want to thank Wonka for her great advice. I need all of the encouragement I can get. I feel like I am so close to giving up again.

[nero]

hi raine :

just lost my big old reply to you- this damn laptop- i'll never getused to the "touch".

anyway- today you're post is "saving" me frommy own little insanity here. it's sooooooo on-point- i am amazed and gratefuyl to read your comments.

i wake up thinking alllllllll the time it may be the day it's alllllll OVER..... WILL THAT EVER go away do you think???

i also feel suspicious and unaccepting of good things- and feel a little sad to realize how much i am not "invested" in things- - no expecrtations, almost no nothin... etc.

i don't have any really- except bad stuff... that's too bad, but i'm guessing natural reaction to years of misery at their hands - how and why would we be trusting??? i'm soo used to being shielding myself - i find it impossible almost to open up myself at all - to or about him.

idk, your whole long post really touched a cord and helped me a heck of alot today. all this spinning out of control in my own head last day or so- in response to one tiny little, phone call wherein h said "i don't have any right to say it to you, but i miss you when i don't hear your voice for a few days" and "for the record - there would be a big unfillable hole in my life if you died tomorrow". (well duhhhhh man- he's the one keeping away - idk - i didn't say it)

such small potatos, but more info of a positive nature than i've heard in many a year. matter of fact - the smallness of his offering - stacked up against the bigness of my reaction (all the doubt-disbelief-lack of ability totallty to accept it as something positive and not just the precursor of something awful) - well, sad, icky & wtf???

i am amazed at the firestorm of negativity from me - in my head of course - against him. i'm just not believing a darn thing. i was pleasant and thanked him for sharing his feelings - (GOD, COULDJA SPARE IT???)

i am just floating here and your feelings helped me a bit sort around with my own - very very same mental reactions.

i guess that's the jist.

hope you day is good and that your r continues on this upswing-

xxo

[RosaLinda]

oh Raine, your post helped me too. I understand you not totally trusting him, especially as my own H temporarily reconciled and then jumped right back into replay with both feet. Everyone says how difficult this final stage is; I think you're doing great. And do NOT think you'll "be the one to blow it up first."

I love what uRw wrote "That being said, of course you are guarded. And that's ok, really. You have to protect your heart. I get that. Just dont be so guarded that you dont enjoy the possibility of a future with your h. Dont be so guarded that he feels it impossible to really get close. This point you are at is a fragile time for both of you. Take your time. Let him lead, but, show him the way, too."

You are doing so great, sitting back and letting H go thru this last stage at his own pace. I would want to push him too Hang in there, I hope to be in your shoes someday and need you to lead the way!

[2Times2Many]

Hi Raine,

I just wanted to stop in and tell you how uplifting your post has been for me. It is so good to hear something positive.

I understand the need to be guarded, but as was said above, don't be so guarded that your H can't get close to you. I did that - and now I'm back at square one.

Please keep us posted on your progress. I am so happy for you.

2T2T

[Raine]

Hallo everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying their month of thankfulness. Thank you so much for your posts to me. It's difficult to get on here and do updates. I know that each of you are going to or have reached this point I'm at, and you will understand it is difficult to be here sometimes. I keep up on multiple sitches, but can't always write back. Most of the time that is because I have a constant shadow. More on that dude later.

Last year I posted on FB every day what I was thankful for. This was the most difficult period in my life, so far. H and I separated on Halloween, and the next day I started a series of posts about what I was thankful for. Each one was heartfelt. Each one meant something. Each one took about 15 mins to think about and write one or two lines. There were posts about my boys, about my parents, about God, and yes, there were posts about H.

I look back at those posts now, and I feel a need to get back there. A need to get back to that introspection and discovery of what is really important. And I know what I want. But that scares me to death, because I still can't control it. I can control the destruction of it. I can control the end. I think that's something to really look at there, for everyone. I'm trying so hard to be honest in these posts, because last year I needed that honesty. You need that honesty. But as you read what I'm going through, realize my thoughts and actions are two very different things.

November 2012. My world was completely rocked. I was six months pregnant. I had just discovered my H had a OW he was making out with like he was sixteen year old in a car wash, and nothing made sense. I knew he was dealing with some depression, but I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I hadn't read about MLC. I hadn't found this forum. All I knew was that I had a husband who I didn't know who we saw about once a week, three small boys with one more soon on the way, a full time job with an incredible amount of expectations and demands 24/7. Running kids here and there, four trips a day to the school, Dr appt, meetings, taking care of side jobs, holidays, divorce research, depression research. I don't know how I did it. I really don't.

I've cut my work hours in half and my baby is sleeping through the night, H is helping out a lot, and I feel like now I can barely keep it all together. Maybe the problem is I have a guy who is still in MLC who is latched on. And before I could drop a lot that had to do with him. His actions are there. His actions have been there for months now. He is honest with me, but I'm not asking questions. I'm not talking. And neither is he. And I feel like he is waiting for me to. I feel I have put myself out there so much, but yet he is still the one waiting to be rejected. He is the one who is worried that if he says it, I will take it too far and too fast. Mind reading? You better believe it.