Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[KdogGS]

Mimi, I started anti-depressants a few days ago and it's really helping to even out my emotions. I had wild swings as well, I understand you don't have insurance? I didn't think H could remove you, you might want to check into that so you can go to the doc

[Mimi00]

Hi K, since he was doing a traveling job before BD we had a joint plan directly with the insurance company. He cancelled our joint plan after he took a permanent position and began to be covered through his job.

Thanks for the suggestion. I don't think I am to a point where I need to take anything (i've was much worst in comparision, the weeks after BD)...I think I'm just having an off day today (i will keepntrack of my moods as the seasons shift thought just in case)...this whole month I've been feeling really great, mostly positive thoughts.....today is just, blah.....
......and I need to stay out of the bakery section of all stores
I am glad you've been able to get better control on your emotions, that's great.

[Mimi00]

*excuse my typos!*

[Mimi00]

Journaling:

GAL'd tonight; went out to dinner w/ a meetup group I've met with once before. It was nice. Had the most delicious turkey burger.
In 2 weeks I will meet w/ them again for a movie meetup....they're seeing a movie I really want to see, so it's nice I won't have to go alone.

Times like this also make me kind of sad b/c H was a movie buff and he's the one who got me into going to the movies more. So I think of him a lot and how I wish things were back to "normal".
Then I wonder if he's going to see the movie, b/c we would normally go to see this type of movie together....

Feeling a little better today overall, but still kind of "blah".
My brother has business meetings in the area and will be here sunday, for the week.... hopefully it goes well.... my family is all for me moving on and they think that's what I am doing (which I am, but still w/ "hope", for now); so I won't bring up H at all....

[KdogGS]

Mimi, I can relate to you on the movie feelings. W and I used to love to relax and watch a movie together. I find myself starting a movie and turning it off now because I can't get into it without her being there.

I hope you have a good time with your brother and a good weekend.

[Mimi00]

Thanks K, I hope the time w/ my brother is positive as well. Hope you're having a positive weekend.

Journaling:
I had the most horrible night at work last night. It's hard not having someone to come home and vent to a little, who can give you a hug and say everything will be ok.
But all is well now...

H called today, I didn't answer for the first time (usually I answer b/c him calling is so rare)

After several minutes I texted that I was out & about

H: Oh okay...I just needed your address

(I freaked out a little in my mind that he probably wants my address for the D paperwork)

I replied and gave him my address and playfully asked "What ya sendin'?

H: Oh nothing... just needed it for information to refer to later

(*sigh* in my head)

Then he asked how was what I was doing, I said good and asked how he was, he said fine.

To attempt to be friendly/comfortable (b/c I've been mostly cold/dry during contact b/c of nervousness), I then sent him a photo of a DVD movie cover I saw

(I was going to buy the movie, then I realized I may have seen it before. Then and entire memory returned....I recalled watching it our first year of marriage. We had just moved into our 1st apartment together and we didn't have a bed yet, so we would lay on the floor and watch movies. H always falls asleep during movies, even though he the one who chooses to watch them and I'm always left awake alone watching the movie intently [even though at the time movies weren't my thing, I watched for him and ended up liking it more]. This particular movie, I recall waking him up in the middle of it to ML lol. That is one of the few memories I can recall of that year for some reason[my memory is terrible, I don't recall many things unless it made a bit of an impact on me in some way].)

So I probably shouldn't have, but I sent him the photo of the DVD cover and asked if he had rented it before? Because I slightly recalled the characters.


H: I don't think so, but I could be wrong

Me: You probably fell asleep during it, lol. I remember the actors though. Well I am about to head home, have a good day.

No reply...

lol...well, I tried...maybe that last move of mine was a bad one?

[Mimi00]

Just got a call from my supervisor about my horrible shift last night.
Its like everything that could go wrong went wrong.
They want to meet with me tomorrow.
Hopefully I don't get fired.
I really want to text my H and tell him I am worried.
But I dont have any one to talk to...this really stinks right now....

[KdogGS]

I'm sorry to hear that Mimi, I'm sending positives thoughts and vibes your way.

I'll say a prayer for you.

[lostinpgh]

Mimi,
How did your meeting go with your supervisor? I hope all is well with you.

I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone after anything interesting happens to me to call my H even though I haven't seen his face in over 3 months. He's basically a stranger to me. Yet, its still the first thing I think of when anything happens to me.

You might not want to talk with your H, but you can always come here to talk.

That is really great that you've gone out with the meet up group and have another plan to do so. Great GAL'ing work!

I don't think there was anything wrong with sending the text about the DVD, I dont see it as pressure.

[Mimi00]

Thanks for your prayers K and your concern lostinpgh.

It seems like one negative thing after another has been happening the last few days.....but I've been handling it all positively. (The best part actually was the meeting at my job didn't go the way I was fearing, it ended up being very positive. Thank God. I feel like I am being tested w/ my responses to all of these situations that have been happening this week.)

One thing that happened was I locked my keys in my car and after exploring all options that weren't working, I called H for his AAA information. H didn't answer, I didn't leave a message or anything. It was late so I figured he was sleeping and ended up getting help elsewhere.


But the kicker on top of my week so far, H called today...(2 days after I called for help) he first asked if I had called him b/c he thought he saw I called, he working late that day though. I said, yes...then he went straight into talk about the D!

(He hadn't mentioned it in 2 months, so I was really surprised and immediately sad.)

I almost start crying because I was honestly hoping he'd never bring it up again.....instead I pulled my self together and said everything he was saying sounded fine. (He wants to mail the paper work back and forth, he said he's going to go ahead and file where he is in "wonderland" b/c he won't be able to travel anytime soon)

He reminded me that the week of BD I told him I was hoping to be self sufficient by January and he asked if I was still going to do so; but if not he'll still help, if he has to. I responded that I believe the only thing he is still covering that's connected to me is the car insurance, so I will leave that up to him if he no longer can do so; Money is tight for me, but I will make it work if I need to.(don't know if that was a good response, I still was kind of emotional in my head....I was tempted to get a bit of an attitude [the old me] and say "don't worry about it, by January you won't have to worry about me any more, I won't even need to speak to you after that point"...but I held my tongue and did not say that)

He then went on to ask how I am doing....
I told him I've just been working and going out when I can.
He said, I know, "I saw that you went sky diving, you did it before I did!".

I responded that I didn't know he ever had an interest in skydiving, that when I did zip-lining back in may he mentioned he wouldn't do something like that, so him saying he had plans to sky dive was surprising to me. He said he had friends at his old job that sky dived and it's something that is on his list to do and he plans to do it next year. I told him how much fun it was.

Then I asked what he'd been up to, if he went to any Halloween parties or anything?

He said he's just been sitting home, working.
(one of his complaints about me was that I sat home...and he didn't feel like he was "living life")

He then start talking about work (since BD he usually says how amazing things are), he said there are things at work that have been bothering him lately and told me a story about one of his co-workers that messed something up. He said he's gotten job offers, for big money, to go move some where else, but he's not taking them.

Then he said how he "loves" living in "wonderland" so much.
I asked him what changed his mind so much about living there?
(before BD a lot of good things were happening for him career wise there, so I suggested maybe he should stay there longer and he said "No way", that he would "never" want to say there longer than his 3 month travel assignment).

He said the reason he loves it there now b/c the people are sincere and considerate, it's very health focused so it's good to be around that culture and he's been 'smoke free' from a month now.

Then he said "it's easy", he said his job is so easy for him, it's stress free and he doesn't want to leave that right now.
So he plans to be there for 5 years.

(The only thing I could think is who wants "easy" all the time? What I've learned in this DB process, it's the challenges that can help you to grow as a person and learn. I feel that's how he wants his entire life to be now though..."easy"... b/c he comes from a background of hurt and struggle, so dumping me and being able to be completely "stress free" is what he wants.)

We then talked about a few other random things.

I brought the conversation back to the start, w/ him asking me if I called him.

I told him I had a terrible day at work over the weekend and called him because he always gives sound advice to me on work issues and I just wanted his insight [wanted to speak his love language of WOA] he was silent after I said that...So then I went on to then make my self look strong by simply saying I handled what happened on the shift awesomely and the meeting ended up being positive (that's a 180 for me would've went over all the negatives).

Then we ended the conversation. He said he'll be calling again soon, I assume for more D talk???

I was actually in a great mood after getting off of the phone with him. The last few times we talked I felt like "eh..." after, no emotion toward it....and actually kind of wishing he didn't call. This time I kind of felt like you feel when you get off of the phone talking to the person you have a crush on in highschool. lol I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad...b/c nothing in our conversation should make me feel that way. I'm a weird one.