He has been up and down emotionally since then. One day wanting a D, the next day he misses me and loves me. I'm pretty sure MLC.
Sounds more like WAS, unless there's more indications that you didn't mention. Like Jon said, recovering from an OP is not a linear process. The WAS will flip-flop a lot during their grieving and recovery.
Quote:
I feel really strong right now, I've detached and I honestly don't have that pain in my heart anymore.
That's great, sounds like you've done some effective DB'ing!
Quote:
Yesterday evening, he comes over and hugs me and asks me if I want him back. I said if he wants to even begin to work on it, he has to do NC with OW in front of me.
GREAT! I'd also tell him that if he's serious then HE needs to set up MC for the two of you. Also consider Retrouvaille if it's in your area, it will help both of you immensely.
Quote:
Now he wants to go to dinner tonight. My problem is this, I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now.
You're feeling WAS-type feelings. That's actually pretty normal, you've gotten to a good place and you're not sure you want to open yourself up to being hurt again, to trusting him again when he's done so much to breach your trust. Just remember, the goal is NEVER to go back to what you had. It was broken, consider it dead and gone. The question to ask yourself is this- is this a man that you think you could fall back in love with? Are you willing to give that a chance? Go to the dinner and explore that.
AS, thank you for the insight. Other things he has done to make me think MLC is withdrawn, depression, anger, wanting to lose weight, wanting to color his hair, not feeling he is good enough socially, not feeling he is successful enough in society. He just recently turned 45.
You are correct on the not wanting to open myself up for hurt again. I have a major issue with trusting anything that he says right now which is why I find it hard to let my guard down.
I think he has an out of town run tonight so dinner will be postponed I'm sure, although he hasn't called or texted that information to me yet.
Thanks again.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
I am feeling the same way as you right now, kind of in self-protection mode. I understand the self-protection thing. I guess what you need is to decide what it is that YOU want for yourself. How do you picture your life farther down the road? I think you should at least hear him out at dinner to see where he is at. Keep posting and let us know how it all goes!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Dinner postponed as he had an out of town run, last minute. I know it's true since I have to order permits for him to haul it back. He did mention wanting to get together this weekend for fishing while he was here. I didn't agree nor disagree to anything. I will hear him out, but am still waiting on that NC with OW to happen. I will not ask or tell him again that that's what I need. I've told him 4 times in two months.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
I've been having these exact thoughts lately about IF I could ever open up again to him. My sitch has not gotten far enough to have this R talk yet, but I still am trying to prepare for it and figure out what I would want from it.
I truly understand the self-protection mode. Who wants to be hurt like this again?
I hope your dinner or convo on this goes well. But I've seen how strong you are in your talks and I know you will say what needs to be said, firmly and calmly. I'm learning from you!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
H just called wanting to know if he had any pants here. I said "Why would you?", not trying to be ugly, but he took all his clothes when he left. He indicated he didn't want to have to drive an additional 1 1/2 hours to beach house in pouring rain. I told him I don't know what to tell you. I really wanted to tell him to go stay all night with OW, but I didn't.
He said "You don't want me to come home?" Remember - I've already told him 4 times what he has to do to even begin this healing process, which is NC with OW where I can witness it. I said H, we will need to discuss things and try to figure out what and how our old M got broken before I can commit to anything and that I can't set myself up to be hurt again like this. He was silent on phone for about a minute so I told him I would talk to him later.
I do expect him to show up here without calling, which is one of my boundaries that he continually crosses. He also has not spent anytime with his S this week, which really saddens me. I do not even talk about that anymore as S would rather be here.
Extremely confused, but strong here and not expecting A THING! As I've said before Talk is Cheap.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
H just sent a text: H - "What do you want to talk about", "I'm tired". M: Ok, no need to talk. H: You said we did M: Nothing H: You sure M: Yeah, it's fine. Basically you just old me your too tired to talk anyway. And I didn't mean today.
Really ticks me off that just over two hours ago I told him we need to figure out how our old M got broken before I can commit to anything.
Please help me lord!
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
H showed up last night, as I expected he would. Without a phone call. Spent some time with S watching TV. No R talk at all between us. I did notice he kept his cell phone close to his person. Hugged me, told me he loves me. When I didn't respond he said, "Did you hear me?" like he's been doing. I replied with a yes. Now he wants to take me to lunch today. I feel him trying to push his way back into the M and home quicker than I am ready, especially with no C or talk.
HELP!
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
AS, thank you for the insight. Other things he has done to make me think MLC is withdrawn, depression, anger, wanting to lose weight, wanting to color his hair, not feeling he is good enough socially, not feeling he is successful enough in society. He just recently turned 45. quote]
Yeah, he could be MLC. I think pretty much everyone goes through an MLC phase, but for many it's just a period of reflection rather than full-blown crazy monster alien MLC.
[quote=Tina825] He said "You don't want me to come home?" Remember - I've already told him 4 times what he has to do to even begin this healing process, which is NC with OW where I can witness it.
Is he still involved with OW? If so then you're right, this is all a non-starter and it's pointless for him to even say such things if he can't even comply with your most basic boundary (break it off with OW).
