Hi all, I've been on the forum and wasn't sure how to start new thread until someone helped me just now.
8-2012 H Stated - He was not happy, he felt we were just business partners, and he needed some space. Left for two days, came back and then I found out he had been having an EA with someone we both know. We both went to IC and also went to MC. I continued, he did not. He did not like our C. I asked him to move out until we could figure out what we were going to do. He left and was gone until February 2013. Came back, I was still going to IC, he nothing.
Things were going well until 8-2013 - I walked outside to take garbage out and he was on a second phone. I asked him to leave. He said "We are DONE anyway". Found out it's the same OW as last year.
He has been up and down emotionally since then. One day wanting a D, the next day he misses me and loves me. I'm pretty sure MLC.
I have done the DB techniques and have been working on me, GAL, staying busy with other things. I have backslid a couple times with comments I've made but all in all I feel I've done pretty good.
We own a business together and therefore have daily contact. I make sure I do not initiate any R talk. So for the last two months, we have had civil conversations, he's taken S on occasion and he has met us for dinner.
I feel really strong right now, I've detached and I honestly don't have that pain in my heart anymore.
Yesterday evening, he comes over and hugs me and asks me if I want him back. I said if he wants to even begin to work on it, he has to do NC with OW in front of me. He said he knew what he had to do. He said if I didn't want him back that was ok and if I wanted to take it slow that was ok too that he understood. I basically left him hanging. I didn't respond.
Now he wants to go to dinner tonight. My problem is this, I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. Not sure what I want. I do not believe any of what he says, and half of what he does. So for me at this point, I'm pretty sure I am detached.
Don't know where to go from here.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
P.S. Sorry you're here, but it sounds like you've done a fantastic job so far.
If he contacts again, I would simply restate about the NC rule, and if he refuses, then keep going the way you're going.
I've had a lot of false starts recently, and I'm almost positive that most of them have happened because of W's EA still floating around. Until that separation happens, I would seriously doubt you'll see much change. Even then, most folks on here would tell you about a "grieving" period over the OW.
JonF, thanks. I'm sure that's what I will be doing. Feeling stronger everyday. I hadn't brought up OW or R talk before. But when he asked me yesterday, I felt strong enough to make that very clear to him. I feel like he's been sitting on the fence for a while and riding a roller coaster. I chose to not be an option for him anymore and I also got off the ride. I'm looking for actions, not words. Talk is cheap.
And I'm aware of the "grieving" period as well. He did that last year also. I appreciate your response.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
WOW Tina.... I must admit, I am envious of your position.
Good luck to you... I agree, talk is cheap! Do not be an option. Either you are #1 or not at all!
Must ask... when you have conversations (even about business), are you more matter of fact with him or friendly neighbour or loving wife?
Tx., Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic - the conversations we have at this point about business are matter of fact. If he brings up any relationship talk, I'm more friendly neighbor. Have not been "loving wife" for a while. I do still validate things, but have learned to do so without alot of emotion. Maybe I'm turning hard, I don't know. I do know it feels alot better on my heart.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
I understand that and it's a difficult decision, but seeing as it's a choice then there's a positive element for you. If I was to give advice, I'd try the mc and see which direction it goes...mc can help with either reconciliation or smooth out the divorce.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Best of luck.