Hi all! Nice to meet you. I have been separated since end of March of this year. I decided to join this board after being a silent watcher. I think this one will be more helpful than other boards I've been on, which just seem to be full of angry bitter people and cheap reverse psychology tricks.
I'll do my best to condense our 8 month story to something manageable.
Our 5 year marriage had always been very happy between us. We loved and admired each other greatly. All who knew us, considered us to be the near perfect couple. Over Christmas last year, my wife started to appear more distant with me. Myself and my family were heavily distracted with the failing health of my grandfather. We had so many pressures on us as a couple at that point. No privacy in a shared home, money worries, and in general worsening communication problems. (I would later discover the big cause of those).
My wife had two friends who were very jealous of our relationship. They would not be outright nasty about me, but would empathise and support my wife's concerns. They wanted to see us apart. One of them had a dead loss boyfriend at home, the other was just your standard Don Juan type. He was also her boss.
Mid March, my wife dropped the bomb that she wasn't happy for the second time. Addressing all of my shortcomings. My first "warning" came two days before the death of my grandfather. I just wasn't hearing my wife at the time.
I had noticed a declining sense of happiness in myself for the last two years. So I said that I would see a doctor the following day. I was diagnosed with depression.
4 days later, Bomb No.2 was dropped. I didn't stand a chance of getting back on my feet emotionally. She said that her feelings had changed and that she didn't love me like she did anymore. It had been a slow declinenof two years in her love for me. I received all the classic WAW stuff, and felt like she was pulling reasons out of the air to justify what she was doing.
Owing to my already down state at the time. I made all the classic mistakes of crying, reasoning begging etc. I'm mortified looking back. I try not to beat myself up over it. I wasn't well at the time.
Considering only two months before we were still very happy together and making long term plans together. This was sudden!
I immediately blamed her two friends and accused her of an affair with her boss. Not smart!
I'm still convinced she had an EA with her boss at least. But have nothing more than circumstantial evidence and vague memories of texts ending in kisses on her phone.
The month before she moved out swayed between good days and bad for us. Somedays we would talk cheerfully together, others I would crack again and we would have harsh verbal exchanges.
She moved out a month later. Saying she needed time to think. I was not allowed to know where she was living, despite the fact I had no interest in knowing at all.
A month of weekly phone calls were cheerful. Until the 5th one where I learned that her feelings still hadn't changed. She wanted a divorce.
The next few months were horrific for me. I had no contact from her, with nothing but false stories and opinions fed to me by alleged friends. I took most of my frustrations out on her. In the meantime, I worked on myself for both of us. Aqquiring a new home, worked all the hours I could to clear debts and try to return mentally anf emotionally to the man I was before.
I always had a good relationship wih my mother in law. She did her best to let me down gently for a couple of months until the day I offered to take her out for dinner for her birthday. I thought it may be my last opportunity.
Dinner was a surprise! My MIL immediately questioned this "two year decline". Instead of continuing to let me down gently, she dropped me many hints about what I needed to do and told me "I don't know when she's coming back. But continue doing what you're doing. I am not saying goodbye today". That was a serious 180! Wasnt expecting that.
I had also noticed that the treatment I was receiving for depression, wasn't doing much. I saw a therapist and as time went by I learned that I was actually suffering from an undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Knowing that has made an amazing difference for me. I look back on my actions over the last few years and I'm mortified at how much my character had changed.
Communication between my wife and I has been friendly enough, still not wanting to reconcile though. However, with a clearer head now I can see what I didn't see before.
My wife tells a mutual friend of ours the plain truth about where our relationship deteriorated, how unhappy she is and how she is struggling financially, how lonely she feels and how scared and homesick she is. When my wife talks to me on the phone, she is quite cheerful, rewriting history and making out how happy she is. Her feelings still aren't there for me etc.
In October, I lost patience. Tired of playing this WAW game, I told her I wanted to to come to my apartment to discuss this divorce she wanted. I had gone to seek legal advice; as she was making no effort at all. On the day of the meeting, she changed her mind and wanted us to meet at a neutral location. Still cheerful about the meet up. Like it was what she wanted.
I expected the truth about her and her boss to come out finally. Instead, on arrival I met a woman who seemed like a shadow of my wife. Painfully thin, her eyes without the life they once had, without any money in her purse.
We discussed divorce for all of 45 seconds. Before she changed the subject and starting asking questions after questions about our past. Why didn't we do this, why didn't we do that. She started lookimg tearful. I knew she couldn't keep the cold hard act up in person, eye to eye.
I said that on our next meeting, I would give her all the answers she needed regards my shortcomings. I just wasn't ready to talk about the PTSD yet. She once again criticised me for poor communication. It was the reason we were in this mess she claimed.
I wrote her a long letter, explaining my declining happiness and the PTSD. The reasons behind it.
This weekend she goes home to the US for Thanksgiving. I am hoping, during her holiday, she will relax. The resentment will drop and she will realise that she does still love me. That our separation is just a temporary breakdown in communication that has got seriously out of hand.
Suspected EA: Feb 2013 Bomb drop: Mid March 2013 Separation: Mid April 2013 (I fought for marriage) Filed for Divorce: April 2014 Accidental Exposure of affair: June 2014
Hi everyone. New poster. But I have been reading the forum for a few weeks and have read DR.
Together 10 yrs M9 With S4 and S8
M has been pretty stable until last year and I half when I suspected infidelity.
I noticed many changes in W. The makeup, perfumes, new hairdo, and the phone attached to her hip. Locking herself in the bathroom with phone, getting home from work later, and changes on how she behaves around me.
For a long time, i did many of the wrong things. I snooped, i followed her around the house and watched her every move. But the worst thing i believe i did was i coften confronted without solid evidence which she easily denied, and me ending up apologizing.
She used to say she will never do such a thing, and I am paranoid. She would cry and say how deeply hurt she was for my accusations. I apologize, but the thought of her infidelity was consuming me. This cycle went on for over a year.
Last oct., bd happened. I have found the forum and have read the insight on vets. I have been doing 180s, gal, going dim/dark, and nc.
This is just a quick intro on my sitch. Theres more that i would like to share. And hopefully, survive this whole mess with some guidance and wisdom from its members.Thanks
Hi, just dropping in to introduce myself here. Really in need of some advice.
I joined this forum and started a new topic last week and was hoping to get some advice from people after over a month of limited contact & being very disciplined.
Not sure how long it usually takes for the moderation, so my new topic appears, but in that time between posting last week and today I took a phone call from my wife and my situation has now changed slightly and may have undone much of the good work I have done over the past month.
It is frustrating that I might have handled the situation differently with a little advice on here if my post had appeared sooner.
How long does it usually take for the new topic to be approved?
Me: 34, Wife: 34 Son: 2 Married: 8, Together: 14 Wife moved out 8/25/2013 Divorce papers received 01/10/2014
I've been a long time follower of divorce busters, but I haven't followed the techniques very well. A quick summary: My husband claims I "checked out" of our marriage a long time ago. I agree. I took for granted that he would always be there and our family would always be strong. We have been fighting frequently over the last couple of years, and sometimes sleeping in separate rooms. In late May, I got the bomb. Told me he couldn't do this anymore and said he was done. I've spent the last 6 months on and off divorce busting. Trying to employ techniques, then getting impatient and pressing him for answers and pressuring him to save our family and forgive me. I just found out about the OW about 2 weeks ago. Very difficult. She is a coworker and he did not want to break it off with her. She finally broke it off with him because she didn't want to be a "homewrecker". My husband says he is not completely closed to reconciling, but typical ILYBINILWY. He believes that if we make up, we will go down this road again in years to come when we get "comfortable". He blames me for EVERYTHING!! It's so hard to listen to sometimes. I need help! What can I do so that he'll see my hard earned changes? How can I practice patience when I just want my caring husband back?
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Ok where to start. M41 W34 married for 7 years and together for 10 years. We have 5 children boys 7,8 and triplet girls who are 4. We were a very romantic and physical couple when single. Seven years later definite disconnect. I love my wife and felt we were the perfect couple but hind site shows me the feelings of neglect. Girls started preschool this fall and was the first freedom my wife has had in many years. Everyone refers to her as supermom including Facebook. Finally some attention from another man and all blew up. Feelings of neglect and entrapment all blamed on me and I feel awful because totally oblivious. To me on day we kiss and say I love you the next he hates me and wants out. She does not even want to try. Still in same home but has moved to another bedroom now. Many financial stresses took me out of character irritable and disconnected so I know some of the feelings are just. I have been slapped across the face and am awake and willing to change! Hate that I missed the signs and could have remedied with a little extra effort. Help I miss my wife!
Hi, married nearly 12 years, together nearly 14. Typical WAS stuff, 6 months of roller coaster, don't feel any closer to reconciling today than I did in May when I got the speech. Seems to be a common theme around here.
Read here for months before joining, good stuff. Made a new topic in newcomers, no idea where it went..lol Thanks for the and for having me
I have been married 40+ years and am now dealing with being cheated on again. I am beside myself and think about this constantly. We are still together but the hurt is so bad I am not sure if we can survive.
