PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[job]

I am bringing my response over from your other thread:

Ambivalent,
Are you okay? We are worried about you. You had a major shock and disappointment yesterday.

Mlcers have a way of telling on themselves, i.e. loose lips. Sometimes they slip up and tell us what they are doing, they contradict themselves or, as you discovered, leave stuff in the car or on the internet.

When he lived at home, did you have a computer workstation that you both shared? If you truly want to snoop, which I don't advocate because you are going to get hurt more and more w/whatever you discover, you can check your internet cookies to see where he's been. I had a PI do my check and discovered a lot of stuff that my xh had been visiting quite often. But, don't do this unless you are sure you can handle it.

Mlcers will hook up w/people who are the opposite of us and yes, they can purchase clothes for them, jewelry or anything the op says that they would like to have. They become rescuers to the OP and will jump through hoops to give them whatever they need.

Unfortunately, confrontation doesn't always take the fun and excitement out of their escapades. Yes, you can expose them and the affair...but it also makes the mlcer more protective of the OP and then the real hiding of activities begins in earnest. The mlcer may become very defensive and may even become very angry and start discussing divorce. I generally recommend not revealing what a lbs discovers until you have more evidence because right now your mlcer feels very comfortable and safe in leaving stuff lying around in his car.

You can confront him, but be prepared for him to come out swinging. He's not going to believe that you were looking for a piece of paper to write a list on and he will become more careful around you. He's not going to be a happy camper about you rummaging around in his car while he was out hunting and may even demand you return your set of keys to his vehicle. He may even attempt to turn the tables and accuse of things and point out that you evidently don't trust him, etc. Gaslighting becomes a tool of theirs doing the crisis.

If you aren't sure what to do, then do nothing for now. Give yourself some time to digest what you've discovered. If you feel that you need a professional to guide you, contact one of the DB coaches and have a discussion w/him or her about it.

But, I do want to caution you, once the cat is out of the bag on his escapades, you can never put that particular cat back in the bag. Please take some time to think about what you want to do. The calmer you are, the better.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks guys,

I'm exhausted and have to go to school.

I feel numb. I really don't think I'm going to be able to stay the course. I'm going to give myself a set amount of time. Your are right , he doesn't have any coping device.

I cannot live with someone who turns to this type of medication. It is too dangerous for me.

Part of sex and making love is trust. I have no trust again. I don't want to get a devastating disease, I'm 53 ! I don't want to have added anxiety that every time things get tough, he gets going...

What a horrible way to live one's life! I deserve better, and if better is peace and not fear then so be it.

I'll hang on until after the holidays and hunting season is completed. I'll need to take my finals, and then state boards.

I AM angry. You know I started school as part of a solution to our financial challenge. To be able to contribute to our future.

I listened to him , heard him , and acted. Now I find myself in the most stressful situation in my life. My marriage seems to have been one major stress after another.

I'm exhausted by all of this, and I'm exhausted from always trying.

I just don't understand why God would put that receipt in my path? What is the point? To tell me to let go of my vows to He and my husband?

I took my normal dosage yesterday, because I was feeling so well. Not today, I think I better keep it up for awhile.

I hate life right now. I hate that I can't be with one of my daughters because I couldn't hide this from her. I hate that I can't be with my other daughter because she is so narcissistic .

I can't tell anyone. Yes you guys are here , but I need physical touch right now . I need to be loved and I'm not by the person who I thought did.

I'm so disgusted at my decision in choice of a man.

He is so right , I do hate him . Not the passionate close to love type of hate. But the numbing , slowly growing, aversion.

When I feel that way , looking into his eyes will be very difficult. For my eyes can't lie.

[MrBond]

So you are getting all worked up, coming up with stories in your mind AND you haven't asked him about the receipt that you found in his car?

You better approach this in a calm and cool manner if you do plan to confront. IN the state of mind you're in right now, if you approach him now, you're liable to come across as ballistic.

It was a receipt.

Honestly though, from a man's POV, if he is now getting the attention he's been wanting (including sexual) from someone else that he's been wanting from you for so long, the temptation can be strong. It's up to you how much you want to fight for your M from that point. But do so in a calm manner.

Let's be honest here. Have you acted this way towards him before? Accuse him of things before knowing the facts? As hard as it is for you, making assumptions about what may or may not be going on doesn't help.

[indigo1]

I agree with mrbond on this one. There were several times in my M that my W accused me of something that I actually did not do. This never got a good reaction out of me, I would get angry and become distant. Also for whatever reason, it would almost make me want to do something wrong. That is just me though, one of the things I have realized about myself.

[Ambivalent]

No I haven't

Whenever I confronted before I was open and succinct.

I tend to vent privately and am extremely calm in a crisis.

As for him resisting temptation. He was searching, a bit of a difference.

As for the receipt, I know our finances, I know his behavior, I know my daughters, sil's and NO, he does not buy gifts for occasions ahead of time...EVER!

I know that this is what it is. I know from his profile picture in the hat store, he did not pose as he did with a man taking his picture.

I am not owning that crap! I am not even releasing here at home...I'm numb.

And as for the sexual attention from me, since we have been in the home I'm in, I never ever turned him down!

I made that a pact with myself when we moved out here! He also knew I was open and desirous here at home, since he left!

The purchasing of what he did, and yes it has his name on the receipt, with the cc # while asking me how we can cut back expenses is a slap in the face.

I've been taking on so much recently, I have been looking within reading , practicing, giving, and yes loving. I have been trying for years!

Yes , I want to rip his balls off! Yes I'm furious, and no I don't apologize for my feelings. I'm exhausted, crushed, and feel filthy. All I asked for was honesty!

Honesty. I am a very forgiving person, and when I'm being as honest as I am about my behavior, I find this extremely difficult.

I have not taking any men up on their advances, I wear my rings if I'm around men.

So as to what I'm venting here...B.S. on the assumptions about me.

Oh, and I never accuse...I have straight forward and have evidence that he blithely leaves about. My oldest daughter is the same way about things. When caught and only when caught does the truth or some form of it come spilling forth!

[Ambivalent]

*...I have straight forward

Meant I AM straight forward

[job]

Breathe! You are going to have some type of anxiety attack if you don't settle down a bit. Yes, you know your h far better than we do...and yes, he may have been out there searching for someone different and "new". I have tell you...this is not about YOU at all. It's about him and inner self core. There is something terribly broken within him and he needs to find himself. Yes, you can confront him and you still will not get the complete truth and yes, he will turn the tables and make you the scape goat...but you already know that.

So, what do you want to do? Do you want to confront him? There is really no easy way to do it but to schedule a meeting and sit down and discuss the matter in a calm manner. But, he will not give you the complete truth, and if there is an ow, he may not tell you much about her, it at all. I, personally think you need to wait a bit and see what else should pop up on your radar before confronting him. Just my two cents.

May I ask a couple of questions...why did he choose Annapolis to live? I realize you mentioned a condo that is rent free, but I do find it very interesting that he moved quite a ways from home. Is his work in that area?

Please, please take care of yourself. I am very worried about you.

[Ambivalent]

Annapolis is free. His work is in the D.C., Dulles corridor, Md. Defense contracting.

It is so confusing...On one hand I'm being told it isn't me, it is him and his MLC. On the other , It is about me, my behavior . On this board I am getting dual messages. If it isn't about me, then why change?

I am not complaining about learning and growing. But it is so difficult to deal with conflicting messages.

I am so wounded. I feel a devastation that I don't know if I can recover from this. I want to curl up and sleep. I want to hug my children and I can't. I want to confront him and I can't.

I am at such a loss for what to do. I have an appt. on Tuesday early afternoon and it seems like a lifetime away.

I can't concentrate here at school, I don't want to be here. I just want to be the innocent girl I was before I ever entered the world of dating and marriage.

Where I was untouched by such painful realities of the human condition. The selfish, narcissistic desires of the male ego.

Why the name ambivalent? This is why, I am being torn in two.

I took my vows seriously. I have given my all, and tried to be a good wife

[job]

Ambivalent,
You own only 50% of what may have transpired in your marriage and nothing more. Your h has a lot of issues within himself that he needs to figure out. He would ignore his pain w/other things versus facing his issues and working on them. Your h is a grown adult who could have said no many times to the people he has had in his life, i.e., op, but he didn't. You aren't the one that strayed from your marriage, nor did you move out...he did.

Own only what you may have contributed...nothing more. Had he been a mature man w/good coping skills, he would have advised you he was unhappy and wanted to work on the issues...but instead, he finds something else to take his mind off his issues. He sounds like a conflict avoider. Is he passive aggressive as well?

Even though Annapolis is free, he still has a lengthy commute. That has to be quite a bit of a drive for him, especially during rush hour. He's really not saving that much when you think of traffic, time, gas and the wear and tear on his vehicle...but hey...rent is free and he'll justify it w/that.

You are stronger than you think and you will recover...but first, you must work through your anger and your pain. Yes, you took your vows seriously, you've done your best and tried to be a good wife...again, he's got some serious issues within himself that were created when he was young. He's searching for that illusive happiness that he thinks he'll find around every corner and it's only a façade and will fade in time. Happiness comes from within and I think your h is truly missing something within his very soul. He may never find it...but it's not your job to make him happy...he has to do that for himself.

Take some time for yourself. Pamper yourself, don't be so hard on yourself. Tuesday will be here before you know it and hopefully you'll get some answers to help you.

[Whiterose]

I know it's small compared to what you need but know I've been thinking of your ambiv........I hope today you can have moments of peace and maybe even smile:).