"Going Dark" - 101

[TryingToDo180]

Thanks Cadet I am off moderation now, I read somewhere on here that you suddenly get a surprise when your post gets posted up straight away and that's what happened to me! It's a good feeling

[workinprogress]

I'm new here. Going on three months separated. My H. left after feeling disconnected, empty nesters, lost job, and needing "things" to change. He felt as if he wasn't number one, second class in our home. I put the kids first... We wrote back and forth, for weeks, I mainly listened to what he didn't want, and finally got a bit of what he wants. To date no O.W. He started out living with a chum and stayed their for about 7 weeks. Realized it was like a frat house and had to get out. Now he is in a condo a friend is allowing him to stay in , free of charge. Oh yes, he is also 55. I have done a lot of listening, and encouraging him to vent. There was a lot of anger and resentment. We went to two M.C. sessions, but at the second one he declared he was unsure he wanted to work on the marriage , he wants to work on himself,and that we already had a good friendship. Perhaps that would change after he got counseling ; he wants it to be "about him". I couldn't leave fast enough from the place. Last week we wrote a couple of times about our feelings, and desires. He was honest about feeling no "desire" for me, and that he was not sure where it came from or if it was something that would return, perhaps it may have come from his feeling second.
I shared with him that he was not alone in those feelings. I had had many uncomfortable feelings about him, hate, sadness, no desire, anger, loneliness. I also had wonderful feelings of lust, joy, happiness, glee, etc. That I understood that marriage was about ups , downs, and plateaus. They could last hours, days, weeks, months and even years. I was not trying to convince him that things would be okay, but that he was not alone in his feelings. I told him he needed to feel them, and embrace them, for from that growth and understanding comes.
I had rolled my car a week ago, and was grateful that I'd been given a second chance at life. I am not going to get sucked down a dark hole and that happiness , sadness, anger, and resentment were choices. I let him know that I choose to celebrate my second chance, and I am choosing happiness. I ended the note by saying he was a smart guy, one of the things I so appreciate, and that he'll figure things out. He never responded to the note, but when he came over to collect the title to the car and mail, he seemed changed. It was a very brief time, an hour? He and I were upbeat and positive. He is working currently, with a better offer in the wings. He noticed I'd lost 23 lbs. actually gave me a compliment, which I haven't heard in oh 29 years! He was checking me out physically,( averting his eyes when I caught him looking) and asked me to dinner/lunch this coming weekend. I did not call him or text after he left. On the fourth day, yesterday, he called and we chatted. He tells me he will call on Friday, and I'm not sure if I should expect the date to occur. I do not want to expect or get hopes up. The last week has been up, but I just can't figure out why he wants to go out now? I am still bruised and tender, but do not wish to discourage his attempt. Especially since he needs to feel like he comes first. I did not ask about the weekend today, when we chatted on the phone again. I just don't know if I can take another disappointment. I'm trying to stay busy, and work on my reading, school, and the overgrown gardens I have. It is just so difficult, I don't want to go into non functional mode again.

[TryingToDo180]

I can understand how you must be feeling, these are very confusing times. If you do get a chance to let him take you out for dinner then I would go If he doesn't mention it again, then assume you're not going and make other plans to go out with a friend. This is important as you are showing your H that you're not going to wait around for him Your H sounds a lot like mine, except mine is 47 and I feel he is going through depression/MLC.
Sorry to hear about your car accident and the fact that you are still bruised and tender The accident might have made your H think how much he doesn't want to lose you. I'm only guessing here, so don't take this as gospel.
I've just started to read a book called 5 love languages. It explains that everyone sees love in a different way and it tells you how to talk your partner's love language. You can also get lots of advice by going to the website called 5lovelanguages.com
Hoped I've helped a bit You may also want to post your story in the newcomers section as this gets a lot of traffic Hope to hear from you soon

[confuzed0903]

Ok I am working on "going dark" not texting, emailing, calling unless important in regards to our 4 yr old daughter. We had custody mediation orientation and HE initiated a conversation afterwards about her. My question is when he starts asking me questions like are you working today? why arent you working today or why did you drive this path to get here- i seen you down this road. How should I handle these questions from him when I am trying to be mysterious and "dark". To me he is being nosey...lol. I just need help replying to him should i just be honest if he asks specific questions or be vague?? Thx

[TryingToDo180]

I would just give him one word answers or shrug your shoulders in answer to his questions. Don't elaborate. Some questions do require an honest answer, but don't feel you have to explain yourself to him. I'll leave you to work out which questions need an honest answer and which ones don't Use your female intuition here

[Confluences]

Today was my WAW's Birthday and it is also 90 days since we've last seen each other in person. I did not send her a card, no text messages, e-mail...nothing. I did remind a friend that it was her Birthday and they called her, which was good but me nothing.

Going Dark has taken a lot of the emotion out of the situation and forced me to look upon the situation with a different light that brings an element of resolve about my actions being the right thing. It's hard but it gets easier over time if you stick with it and believe in yourself.

The holiday season is approaching and this is a good warm-up for navigating those challenging scenarios that are coming soon. This forum is one of the best on here, so keep posting.

[S4tk]

I'm about to read this entire thread, since I am torn between going dark (with two young kids, I guess it would be dim at best) and continuing to pursue but in a 180 kind of way.

I sent my first post about 2-3 days ago. Does it usually take that long for them to be posted when newbies are on moderation here?

TB

[TryingToDo180]

Hi TB, yes it does take a long time for your posts to be moderated. Keep posting and soon you'll be off moderation. You may want to tell us your story in the newcomers section and start your own thread.
I wouldn't continue to pursue your H, but let H make all the contact. The only time you need to contact your H is when it's to do with your kids or money.
I'll pop into your new thread once you've set it up

[2old]

Hi Confluences, was reading the post you did about WAW's bday on 9/22....my WAW's bday was 9/17 and after much thought I did email her a short bday wish. She did respond with a "thank you, had a wonderful day"...That is the last time we have had contact as she completely ignored my bday 3 weeks later.

So, I am now committed to going dark as u even through the fast approaching holidays. My contacting her wasnt bringing anything more than short icy emails anyways. I would be interested in how your sitch goes during this dark period. I still have my thread in newcomers and yesterday was six months since she WA....

You are correct about being dark and easing of the emotions of ones sitch....

[Iva]

I wish someone would answer because all I feel is regret. I received a hate email - you know the one where everything is my fault and H wants nothing to do with me because OW deserves more. I have been dark ever since. I didn't respond to his email, I mean what was the point? Any response he would have taken as justification. Right now he is playing victim which is a pretty good description of our marriage...I am the problem he is the victim.

Holidays and our anniversary then his birthday it will be an interesting period. As angry as he is I suspect that I will not hear from him at all which is fine because taking a break from his anger has been healthy for me. It is hard missing him, knowing he is with OW, and wanting to say so many things but may never get the chance.

I have been going out lots lately and it has been good for my self esteem.