Doing the "right thing" is a step in the right direction. In other words, for some WAW's who are in an A, they just have to make a decision to do what's right....even though her emotions may not be cooperating with that decision at the time. But it's a start.
If I could talk to her, I would tell her that if she tries to make her choice based on her feelings, she will experience a lot of confusion. Naturally, we want to follow our hearts, but when one is involved with OP outside of the M, the heart can hold a lot of mixed emotions. Many people wait on the romantic or in-love feelings to guide them, but that can be very unwise for our future. That is one reason the spouse in an A has to "commit" to stay in the M. They should agree to the terms (within reason) of the betrayed spouse and understand they will have to really put forth a lot of effort to prove themselves to their spouse. Commitment and work come first, and then feelings will come later.
In other words, she doesn't have to feel happy about ending the A and staying in the M....for this to succeed. And the reality is, you probably do not need to expect her to show a lot of happiness in the beginning of piecing back the MR. That statement is probably hard for you to swallow, but it goes along with what I've said about how she will experience withdrawal & depression when she drops OM. IMHO, She can't experience those feelings....while at the same time feeling a lot of happiness for her M and/or H. It's difficult for me to explain the emotions one feels while going through the transition. The betrayed H can experience offensives due to how his W feels about everything.
Usually piecing the M back together is hard work and takes longer than either spouse thought it would.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The weekend seemed to go pretty well. We went to a concert on Friday night and then to her Dad's and sister's houses over the weekend. Nothing really earth-shattering happened. We got along great at times - like there were no marriage issues, and she seemed distant at other times - in the past this demeanor was generally a precursor to 'i want a divorce.'
We did have a couple of brief conversations about the relationship. During the drive out, I asked her how she's doing at work. Obviously she still works with the OM so zero contact isnt exactly zero contact. She mentioned that there was some light contact something like 'what are you doing this weekend?' followed up by 'sorry - I am not supposed to ask you that.' I told her I appreciated her honesty but that type of discussion can't continue. She said she understood and is really trying but that it's difficult because they were friends before they started in on the affair. She also restated that she hopes its a non-issue soon because one of them will find another job.
The second conversation happened when she mentioned that she had an appointment with the counselor again in a week. I mentioned that maybe we should cancel it because he didn't seem to be doing us any good. She shared a few details of the last session where she told him that she's afraid i will start playing video games again (which is kind of ridiculous to me because that stopped before we even got married). I guess he told her that sooner or later someone has to make a commitment. Either it will be her, me or the OM. I asked her if that's what made her commit to ending the affair and she said no, its just something that Ive known I have to do. Hopefully that's a good sign.
We made holiday plans over the weekend, talked about the upcoming week and her surgery, possibly going down to visit her father in Florida over the winter as well as other medium-term plans for the house, etc.
Today has been a tough day for me though because she was a little distant last night and again this morning. Of course, its back to work and back to the OM. I have also found myself thinking that she's just saying what she has to say to be comfortable through her surgery recovery and then will drop the bomb all over again. Its all mind games I am playing with myself and I know I need to accept that there will be ups and downs and not try to second guess. I know that she has not packed anything or looked for an apartment so I am trying to focus on the good. Its just so hard to trust or not feel I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out again.....
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I have not read 5LL yet but I have read his needs, her needs. I have been implementing what I have read there and am waiting for the right time to introduce it to her. I assume the books are very similar?
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
hi everyone - just thought I would post a quick update. My wife had surgery last Wednesday and seems to be recovering just fine. It was a pretty minor surgery but surgery nonetheless. I took the end of last week off to be home with her and we spent quite a bit of time together. Things mostly seemed to go very well. She was friendly, more affectionate (physically - touching, etc and with her overall demeanor - more smiles, seemed happier, etc.)and we really had a good time with each other. She has been continuing to sleep in our bed (she has never slept in the guest room throughout all of this), is very cuddly at night, says 'i love you' and receives and gives kisses. She also seems to be invested in the house - did some housework, decorated for Thanksgiving, etc. In all, I think things are going very well.
The problems now are all centered around me. I seem to be in this hyper-analytical phase where I am reading into everything she says or doesnt say. The other day we were talking about some dead spots in the yard where we have lots of shade. She said 'you can always plant some shade-resistant grass there in the spring' and all I could think was 'why did she say "you" instead of "we." I also get very tense when she's playing around on her cell phone in front of me.
I know these are natural reactions and that they are my demons to fight so to speak. I don't share them with her, preferring to just deal with them on my own and not spark anything. I don't think there is much she can do to alleviate them in the short term anyway. Just like I have to show her over time that I have changed through my actions, she has to do the same.
Her actions over the last few weeks seem to indicate that she is committed to the marriage and it truly does feel different than how it has felt in the past when we were supposedly working on things.
For me, I have been trying to be the best husband I can be and have been living by the 'be a person only a fool would leave' guidance. I don't think its the right time to be dark or mysterious or play games with her. That being said, I am still doing my own activities - working out, talking with friends, etc.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I agree that you should not go dark if your W is committed to working on the M.
Things sound good. From other LBH posts I've read, being hyper-analytical is very....very common. I've also read where they advise each other to work hard to get a grip on it...or else it will drive them nuts. I think it would get to be too much to bear and start to show up in unattractive ways to her.
I have also seen something else common in LBH's when they are working hard to be the man only a fool would leave. When the W doesn't seem to respond in the way he thinks she should (work on the M as hard, appreciate his changes enough, or see results fast enough, etc.)he can begin to feel anger & resentment toward her b/c he feels he deserves better (since he's working so hard in the M). I just wanted to share that information with you, so you would be better prepared. The more informed, the better equipped you will be.
If you become too analytical, she will start to pull back and/or hide things (like playing on the cell phone) b/c of what it does to you. I'm only saying these things to caution you. I'm not criticizing you. You are doing great.
Has she ever had an EA/PA in the past (since being with you)?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As far as i know, she has not had an EA/PA in past relationships and this is the first time she has had one in our relationship.
Nothing much new to report this week. Things have been steadily moving along much as I have described in my last two posts. She had a job interview on Wednesday that went pretty well. She expressed some reservations about leaving her current job as she has some interesting projects and clients that she is working on/with. I just listened to her concerns and didn't push or insist that she take the new job if she received an offer. She has a couple of more interviews in the next few weeks.
Other than that, things have been well. We've been getting along great, things seem to be improving and my gut tells me that some genuine change has happened. We have not had any serious conversations about the relationship or affair though and I am trying to let those topics come up naturally from her.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
