My W now longer uses my name or even nickname, with just short phrases on the (small) present tags, and skipping over saying it during the singing of Happy Birthday. She also doesn't look at me much. Is this shame on her part? It is weird to be nameless.
This Saturday is the 50th birthday party of a (former CEO) friend of ours, who W admires. I believe W of this friend is a confidant of my W - it will be interesting to experience the interaction with her.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Acting like you only have a name if she gives it to you is emblematic of how much you have been handing over all of your power and self esteem to her all these years. I thought you were doing a lot better than that lately. Please try rephrasing that last sentence and see what you can come up with on your own, because it is too sad to let you get away with making that statement.
Happy birthday!!! I hope you make it a great year in your life! Have some fun!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I - of course - have a name, with a very nice root meaning, imo. Various EE folks commented on my behavior matching this meaning, in fact, and I am very happy with it.
To rephrase, should I shouldn't care if W no longer calls me by name? Let it wash off, it being her problem?
Context: a distant foreign aunt of mine, who has/knock on wood had brain cancer, called to wish me happy birthday. I was happy to hear from her and that she is doing okay, given that the last time I saw her was in the cancer ward. She and W used to be good friends, but W has not communicated with her any more. Aunt said it would be nice if W got in touch again.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
My W now longer uses my name or even nickname, with just short phrases on the (small) present tags, and skipping over saying it during the singing of Happy Birthday. She also doesn't look at me much. Is this shame on her part?
If you are asking if she feels shame and that's why she refuses to acknowledge your name or look at you, then NO, it's not shame. I believe you have asked that question in the past. The word here is not shame. It is disdain.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What could be a response to disdain? She herself has said that some people see her as arrogant, so I think your interpretation of her actions is correct. Contempt is part of her emotional vocabulary and arsenal.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Reread this thread from start to finish ASAP. Then YOU tell ME why you should give a flying rats fart if your W doesn't call you by your name.
If you really want to change your life, you need to quit "chewing on things for a while" and get to changing. Change is a verb. It requires action on your part. You have to actually do it.
For crying out loud, Luke. You've got so many people here trying to help you. When are you going to help yourself?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Yes Luke, it is not a surprise that she's showing you disdain. She has disrespected and disdained and verbally abused you since you got here and long before that, if not for the entire course of your relationship. She has brought you so low that you can say "it's weird to be nameless" instead of "it's weird that an adult would act in such a ridiculous way" or "it's weird that I still want to live with someone who is so rude" or all the other things I was thinking about her refusal to say your name during happy birthday song.
She is being over the top aggressive and disdainful, not to mention absurdly childish. Why has she chosen to abuse you for so long instead of just getting the divorce she has claimed to want?
I believe she actually gets something positive out of treating you like crap beneath her shoe. And she has damaged you to no end.
EE has helped you a lot, I can see that. I wish you could wipe the slate clean, see her with clear eyes, and laugh confidently when she acts ridiculous instead of going off to ponder why.
Luke, you surely have a great name, and you're interesting and fun and personable. Unshackle yourself from her and you will probably enjoy a life you never knew you could have.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
PM - I feel compelled to respond, since it sounds to me like you feel I have done nothing. I have certainly changed my activities, though mostly in the US, where I go to various meetups, and that is fun. I've started a meetup here, but with little success, and so instead occasionally play music with two friends. I realize that my working alone all day here is not good for me, but don't see how to alter that without changing jobs (and so probably losing income). Being at work in the States is actually enjoyable, as other people are around, and my boss is great. Here it is isolating.
I've changed therapists and see two different ones.
At EE I am open about myself, but not with other non-EEers, not yet. I still only occasionally get personal emails or calls, which stinks. No one here in Sweden knows I went to EE - perhaps that should change.
I interview applicants to the college I went to, which is fun, and met a bunch of people at an alumni meeting. I rode a bike to and across the Golden Gate bridge during Thanksgiving, an excellent experience, played with my nephews, and had good walks/talks with my BIL's wife and her mom.
So, I am having a bit more fun, have met new people, but still don't have the friends here that I would like (okay, something to work on).
I would be grateful for any suggestions on what more to do/change.
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Adinva - thanks for your sympathetic reply. She says she stayed on for the kids' sakes. She resents my multi-country job. I make 80% of the money in the family. There is no alimony in Sweden. Come early March an instantaneous D is just two signatures and 30$ away.
EE is good, complex, real, fun, caring people, and I am so very grateful to have found it and them. If only Philadelphia weren't thousands of miles from where I live - .
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
