I'm new here and just posted an introductory new thread in the newcomers forum called 'On the Brink'. But I don't see it in the forum. Is that because I am on moderation?
I've been lurking here for a short while, and looking to join the forum for badly needed support and advice. Been with my husband for eight years, married for four, and we have two children. We're living together but apart and dealing with sex, money, work, family and drinking issues. I really need some advice with my 180s and happy to take a clue by four if and when it is required.
My world had come crashing down when W13 Y's told me ILYBNILWY. I realized that the last few years I had sank into a depression along with work stress I look back and see that I had really neglected my wife. I have never been one to show a lot of emotion but I see now that the last few years I did a lot if emotional damage to her. I got to where I never wanted to go out and socialize (that was something we always did) sex was almost non existant for 2 years. The medication I was on for anxiety pretty much knocked out any interest I had. (We had never had problems in this dept) I see a lot if things now that I didn't see when I was neglecting her (switched to a new medication and feel like the old me) I had talked mean to her in numerous occasions and when she would make attempts to show me affection (hugs, kisses) I would just ignore her. I just felt numb and had no emotions. Anyway in May of this year she tried to talk to me about the way I was making her feel. I seemed to turn it around on her, blaming it on job stress and made her feel as though she was just attacking me. She tried to talk to me again in late June and I told her I would "try" and work on things, again turning it around to her fault but this time she was crying and just staring at the wall at our wedding picture. At that point, I realized that something was not right with me and I scheduled a Dr appointment and ended up getting on a different medication, Bam, fast forward about 3 weeks and I felt like my old self again! I experienced a flood of emotions toward her that I had not felt in 3 years, sec drive came back with a vengeance! Then in early August she sits me down and tells me that she had lost her feelings for me and is not sure she can get them back! I was devastated! She is the love of my life, she has always done nothing but try and make me happy and I realized the neglect I had done emotionally. So I started the whole, beg. Mope, gifts the works. Drove her further away. I tried to reason with her that it was my depression and meds, but she did not want to hear it. We both tried everything we knew, we dated each other, left the kids with sitters, lots of sex, she said she wants to get those feelings back but doesn't know how long it if they will come back. In sept I got the ILYBNILWY speech, I hit Rock bottom, I constantly wanted to talk about our relationship, even after she said she started dreading coming home because she knew I was going to be moping around or want to talk! She agreed to counciling but after 1 ind visit he had her convinced that our relationship was doomed from the start (both first serious relationship, both young, ect) well the first of nov we started a separation. In hopes that she will miss me. Although I'm still around the house all the time, watching kids till she gets home, making excuses too come over just to see her. Mid nov she told me that she was not happy with me and we both deserve to be happy, so she filed for divorce. She included me in all talks with attorney and we have decided on everything from custody to assets to child support in our own. She says she has so much resentment towards me for the neglect that she can't see falling back in live w me. I am devastated, I physically hurt, lost 30 lbs that I didn't need to lose and can't sleep. Last week I came across this site and went out and bought DR book and read it front to back, I saw all the things a had done wrong and started the 180. I just think it may be to late, our waiting period is up in mid jan and us fastly approaching. I can see that her decision had not been easy on her as well. She told me the other day that her feelings have been gone for over a year now, she just worked up the courage to act in them.We get along recently better than we ever have our entire relationship but I just don't think I have enough time to Win her back and show her I am changing!
M37 W34 T16 M13 D10. S6 ILYBNILWY 9/2013 S 11/2013 I will fight for her!
I am from Asia and been married for 10 years we have a 6 yo daughter. My W asked for a D two months ago. Her reasons ILYBNILWY and all the fights in the past and she has no confidence and believe that the marriage can work. In 2005 I was working with her dad in his business and I stood as a company director for him as he is a bankrupt. In 2007 I was charged with CBT for some joint ventures that I was instructed to do by my FIL this went on for 4 years. After I was acquitted I face a civil case whee the other directors was claiming the money back from me of which none came to me.I have signed guarantees for his companies and in 2011 I was made a bankrupt. During that time I have transferred all my company shares to her name as her father invested in my company. She was looking after my finances, due to my fighting for my innocence I lost focus in my work as I was in and out of the court rooms.
He dad was in some financial rut with loan sharks and he used my company to take a bank loans and she signed as guarantee. The company has gone down the drain and she is facing legal issues and blames it all on me as she is a bank officer. My FIL did not even apologies or even offer to help pay off my debt and for the past 6 years I have been working like a dog to bring my self up and I have never blamed her as I did it as her H to help her family. She is a very insecure and complex person and I am always the one to give in regardless if I am right or wrong but she has been sympathetic towards me. With all this I started to focus on my work and find my way back home to my wife as I did not want to see My FIL when I looked at her. Last year she had a miscarriage and according to her some thing died in her and said that I wasn't there for her. Sometime in December last year she went for a holiday with another guy and I found out and confronted her with the evidence. I let it go as she said that nothing happen and decided to put effort in the marriage at the same time working late hours to bring money home and at the same time going to the gym with her 3 times a week thing were getting better but She says that our marriage/ life is too mundane. She has been posting self pic on Instagram some are only in lingerie which was taken by my little girl and some lurid ones which I don't know of. I got involve in this ordeal even though I did not like it. But she started getting angry when I spoke to some of her fan cause she did want them to know that she was married. She constantly on her company phone and very secretive around and not wanting me to know whatever she doing. Money wise she has none as all her bill and debt are piling up and she is also about to be a bankrupt.
Six months down the road the banks are putting pressure on her and I am still fighting hard to get income to settle every debt we have. She asked for a D and to her I am the enemy everything that I do is not right to her and her colleagues mor like her staffs ase giving her support for whatever she is deciding and even depriving me time with my daughter when they have not seen the other side of the coin. She wants an amicable D but I said no. I have done all of research and found TDR The Divorce Remedy. I have read and finish the book and I am on a second round to understand it better cause all I have done so far has not work. We are still living In the same house but sleeping in separate bed rooms. I believe that this marriage can work as I am against D. I have 10 siblings and My parents have been together for 58 years and still going strong where as her parents have been separated for more than 15 years he mum stays with her partner and her dad with his second wife had a teenage girl and a son with a third wife which the second wife do not know about. She has 2 brothers 1 step sister and another step brother with her other second stepmom. Her 2 brother are in the illegal business and so is her dad who is a crook for cheating a lot of people. I am in a financial rut right at the bottom of the pit determined to climb back up in life with lots of prayer for all my friends and family as they supports me with my determinatin to work on my marriage.
My situation is long and if you have any questions please do ask as I willing to share to get any light that can help me.
I am very collected at the moment and looking after and loving myself for the sake of my daughter. What she doing is very selfish and cruel.
Just found this site while searching for some experience with wives having affairs.
Quick version: Got blindsided at the end of September. W wants separation. May reconcile but only with separation. A week later my company went bankrupt. Now unemployed.
My side: I've been having depression problems related to stress for the past 5 years. Been sober in AA 19 years. Love my kids and wife dearly. Been short tempered and not much fun during this time. Missed family trips-put work first. Put my financial insecurities first and did not listen to my wife's dreams about her life etc...Her heart hardened and I was in denial. I take full responsibility in cleaning up my side- counseling now, more time with kids, trying to change my attitude and lots of soul searching.
What she's done: She started drinking after 16 clean years 2 years back. Never said she was unhappy with marriage. After a while she started going to hear mutual friends band at clubs. Then coming in very late 2-3 times a week. I was home with our kids. Said she was out with friends. 2 months ago I got proof from reading her logged in FB that she's having sex with a guy I know. Both deny it. She says she's doing nothing wrong and won't stop. All our old mutual friends are very sad she's living this way especially because of the children.
Married 10/4/1996 Me 53 Wife 47 Twin Children Boy and Girl 11 Bomb dropped 9/2013 Living "separated" in same house.
I am new to the forum and figured I would share my situation, I have been married to my wife for 5+ years now and she is wanting to seperate. We have been having issues for awhile due to i found out she cheated on me 2 years ago. We worked through those issues and now another issue came up about 5 weeks ago. I will not go into detail about it because it was something i did to her and I am ashamed of what I did, and no i did not cheat on her. With this issue that happened she is not able to get past it and said that she is not able to be intimate with me. She does not like it when i hug, attempt to kiss or even try to be close to her. She tells me that she needs to seperate and see if she can get over what happened.
Now she has said that right now she is not looking for a D and is going to PC, which i am also going to PC. We are going to try at least 1 MC to give it a go and see if we can fix our M.
Married - 5+ years Me - 2nd M Her - 4th M Me - 44 Her - 40 Wife Moved/Moving out 11/30/13
I discovered my husband's affair with his boss on 8/25/13 from a text message she sent to his phone. I confronted him about it and he admitted that they had been sexually intimate for five months. We have been married 21 years and have two daughters, 17 and 13. I immediately asked him what he wanted to do, leave or work on our marriage - I was so shocked because (as many people usually think) that my husband was the LAST person on earth who could do something like this. We started counseling a few weeks after the discovery and at first it was just alot of anger. He said he felt he had grown apart from me for a few years and started working later hours and keeping busy on the weekends to stay out of the house. He said he felt empty for a long time, that we were no longer as affectionate as we were and our sex life had become routine and too far apart. I too felt we had been growing apart a bit and had been sniping at eachother for awhile, but I also thought that this was just a slump that long time married couples go through, that eventually we would always work everything out together. He said that even a year or two ago he had envisioned a different future, possibly one without us being together but had NEVER said anything to me. All our family and friends always thought of us as the stable, good couple that would always stick together - so did I. Once I finally heard the things that were making him so unhappy and feel empty I mistakenly just poured it on - turning on the affection, wanting to talk, spicing up our sex life. Doing everything wrong I guess because he saw it as "why now, why all of a sudden, I don't believe it's genuine". He had trust issues! I have trust issues too, especially as he still works at the same job and still has contact with his affair partner on a daily basis. I kept checking his phone for texts and emails (I did find that he invited her to watch him play soccer when I was with our daughter at a school event) just a few weeks ago. After that it was just back to the blame game on both sides, with me getting so stressed out and anxious that I've had to go on antidepressant meds and have lost over 20lbs. I suggested that we spend some time apart, it seemed so obvious that being at home was too stressful for both of us - that one weird look or one thing said in a strange tone would set the other off. Our counselor agreed and he went to stay with his cousin last week, we told our girls last night. We didn't see eachother for six days, after three I asked him to come home, how can you work on being together when you are apart?! In any case, he still wanted to have time apart to "make sure I'm coming back because I WANT to come back, not just for the kids". I get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" stuff at counseling. So there it is in a nutshell. For my husband it has been at least two years since he felt a separation, enough to have an affair with someone else. For me it has been only three months since I have felt the worst pain I could ever imagine, made worse by the fact that I never stopped loving him or feeling that we wouldn't always be together. We have worked out some plans on how to be in contact during our separation, either with the kids together or with him and just the kids or having "date nights" with just the two of us. My biggest fear is that this will be enough for him, that he won't feel he can love me again like he once did. How can you work on intimacy when you live apart? I read the 7 steps to Saving your Marriage a few days after he left, wish I had gotten it much sooner. Any advice or help would be sooooo appreciated.
My problem is: My wife doesn't want to spend any time with me. In this married life, I'm spending all my evenings alone, mostly bored in front of the tv. Where is my wife then? She's not working, drinking, or out with friends. She's in bed, beside our son. She's not ill, or disabled or anything. She just prefers it this way. It seems she's not interested in me anymore.
We've been together for 18 years; living together for 13 years. 3 years ago we married. This didn't change much in our relationship, which was generally good. But then, my wife wanted to start a family. I dreaded the idea, but went along with it, because she wanted it so badly. Well, now that we have a 2-year old son, this turned out to be worse than I feared. Our relationship is totally over.
There's nothing wrong with our son; he's healthy, sweet and pretty smart. But my wife can't relax. During the daytime, life is extremely stressful in this home; she's all the time busy with him, and demanding my help in this all the time. There's no time for 'us'. And in the evening, when he's in bed, she is too. His cot is beside her bed in (what used to be) our bedroom. She always goes to sleep beside him, at the same time as him - around 9pm. Also during daytime naps she goes to bed beside him. I sleep in another room.
She works 2 days a week, and admittedly on those days she needs to get up early. But not on the other days. I've often asked why she doesn't want to spend evenings with me. The reply is always something like "she's just so tired now". She also says that in the morning she wakes up inevitably when our son wakes up, which is often quite early (though not always). So I've proposed that I would sleep beside him for a while, so she can sleep well. She won't have it. She also often complains "last night I lay awake for so many hours" - apparently that happens even when the boy sleeps soundly through the night. Well obviously she doesn't sleep all the time while she's in bed, because nobody needs that much sleep! So I suggest that, if she'd just stay up until she's really tired, I'm sure she would sleep well. But no, she won't have any of that. It seems she's just making up excuses to get away from me and to be with him.
As you might imagine, there's also no sex whatsoever. Last year, I proposed it a few times and we tried it (in my bed). But it was just a rushed on-and-off before she sped back to her own room. Not very enjoyable. So I don't bother suggesting it anymore.
Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company anymore, and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.
I can't even talk with her about this subject anymore, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts crying, that "I should be more considerate of how hard it is for her" and stuff. And of course, then it's my fault that she doesn't sleep the next night.
I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?
Me and my H have been separated since May, Affair started in Feb.2013 H moved in with her and took our son with him on 6th Aug.2013 H and OW split up and H moved out from OW's house 21th Oct.2013 H now lives in a flat alone
H 34 Me 33 son 5 Together 10 Married 6 Since my dad died, i feel like life is too short. My head is going to explode. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I just want to be happy.
hello every one who see this post, I have been struggling to understand what is going on with my wife of 25 years. December of 2012 my wife left me, said that she loved me but not as a husband any more. we have been at odds with each other for a little bit, because of the pressure on a job I had out of town. it was a job that was supposed to last six months and turned into three years. anyway after she left she came back after a couple of weeks and we stayed together until the end of august 2013. at which time she left out of the blue again. this time she moved to a different town with a new boy friend and has been gone every since. while we were together for that short time she had two affairs that she admitted too and was making like she was sorry and wanted to move forward, one month later she is gone moved out and living with another man in the town she moved to.that was the end of august 2013 she said at that time she was filing for a divorce and as before she loved me but not as a husband. now as of November 2013 she left that man and is as of now dating two men she meet on craigslist, which seems to be where she finds all the men she has been dating. as far as I know right now by her admission its around six different men since she left. I guess I'm trying to figure out if this is a mid life crisis or a walk away spouse. I have read a lot of posts, but don't have enough experience to call it what it is, so I was hoping I could strike up a conversation with some vets who have put time in to help me get through this. there is more if any one is interested in chiming in.
