GM, Some marriages should not be saved. You can only beat your head against a wall for so long.
Being a single parent is hard. A little anger after the betrayal of infidelity is understandable. What do people expect? I do hope you are able to find someone new and start experiencing Joy in life again.
I talk regularly with my uncle who went through this 40 years ago. He is 70 and is remarried to a wonderful woman. He empathizes with everything we are feeling and assures me that the feelings fade with time. He tells me that I will look back at this and praise God for giving me the opportunity to be truly loved.
Of course from where I sit, this is hard to see. But, I trust in his wisdom and the promises of God.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Maybe in 30 years, we will be able to come back here and give people hope about what their future holds.
not sure it is a relationship we are having... he visits the house.. we have dinner, walk the dog... chat a bit- all very tense then he leaves after one night. Nothing elze...but it is a contact,, he sees what he is losing.. or used to have... I won't consider any more while he is seeing someone else...but as his complaint with me is I am too controlling telling him what to do at this stage.. well that would be good bye.Believe me I think about it, it makes me hurt and sad and angry and scream like a banshee at times but I can live with myself and what I am doing. If it works.. then we can have the hard conversations...if it doesn't well I tell myself I did the best I could..and more fool him.
Gabbysmom, ok maybe its not anger that you harbor. Maybe that's just how you are
Back to the exposure. I would also like to add that most of the counselors who advocate exposure only recommend that you tell ONE person. That person should be someone that your wayward looks up to.
So in a sense if this is what you all are referring to as exposure, then maybe i agree more. But the nucleur type where you go around telling literally everyone is probably not a good idea.
Anyone else agree? To those who exposed, did you tell one person or many? How did it work out?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I wanted to tell everyone.. I wanted him to be as unhappy as me but I also felt like we could rebuild. I could not see us rebuilding on the base of his hurt and anger.. so sure I have swallowed my pride. I believe his sister might suspect... but we have agreed that we don't talk about our marriage
If it is clear that we are over then I would tell the people who care about me why so they can look after me.. I would be loathe to tell the children. Thet want to be able to love both parents and seeing that one parent hS made the other really unhappy puts them in a bad place J am not saying I am right. Just my view...
I thought I might add my two cents worth here. I kinda did both: I didn't expose the affair, but tried to discuss it with family and friends in regards to helping me fix or repair our marriage, it was mostly my worries I talked about. I didn't say anything to the W about my worries or thoughts, but just kept what little discussions we had as upbeat as possible. In the last two weeks, I have discovered that the W has told her mum she is in a relationship with the OW (yes other woman) and stated this talking to a friend. So as far as I know, the W has told the mum and a friend. So much for me being made out as being the big bad person in the marriage, as there is a good chance this affair started even before BD. So it's been going on for over 13 monhts. My topic if interested: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2404278&page=1
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I could easily expose the A, but I have not. I think h knows this and sadly it is my calling card.Not that I am holding it over his head. I have not said once I would use this info against him. His A is with an underling a work. A big NO-NO. Our D process has started. h filed. h wants to 'move on' I would like to tell a(female) coworker of h who I think he respects to please speak to him. Not one of his male friends have called h on his behavior. Too many people take the attitude of "not my business".
I feel h has had 0 consequences.
I gain nothing by exposing the A Am I too nice to h? yes,
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I would say it depends on what you are trying to achieve, and at what cost you are willing to pay to achieve it.
There are those who are willing to keep things quiet and allow their spouse the time and spouse to see if they make the right choice. And if not, the lbs moves on.
And then there are those who have a need be right, even if it destroys the bridges back to the marriage.
This is a false choice, and by no means the only two options. Regardless of what one believes about some of the most passive or the most aggressive DBing (or other) strategies, I would hesitate to characterize those that are advocating them as only doing them out of "the need to be right."
Loualea, I really feel for you. There is no easy answer. Based on the situation you are describing, I cannot see what would be gained in exposing the affair.
Exposure would make reconciliation very difficult if not impossible, and that is clearly what you want. Don't do it!
I do, however, wish I communicated my standards to my W more directly and clearer. I thought DBing was about empathy and understanding you're spouse. I thought it was about forgiveness. It is about these things, but in my case, I confused them with tolerance. I see absolutely no reason for anyone to tolerate, or ignore an affair.
When you're H asks "When should I come home". The answer should be straight forward and direct:
"Not until the affair ends and you are serious about repairing this marriage. I will not tolerate having a relationship with someone involved in an affair"
I know how thought this can be. You don't want to believe the person you love is treating you this way, or would honestly choose a fragile new shallow relationship over you're deep mature relationship. You hope that they will see how understanding you are being and reciprocate that understanding.
This is not the reality. Right now they are thinking only of themselves. They are convinced that there is no future with you. They see no value in you as a person. They are mentally doing everything they can to justify their behavior by devaluing you. This is the reality.
You cannot have a relationship with someone in this frame of mind. You need to establish firm clear boundary's, communicate them and enforce them.
If I had done this up front, my marriage probably would still have failed. But, it would have moved in that direction sooner, and I would have saved myself a tremendous amount of heartache.
Again, I feel for you. And regardless of what you do, don't be too hard on yourself. You are not driving this bus.
Gabbysmom, ok maybe its not anger that you harbor. Maybe that's just how you are
Back to the exposure. I would also like to add that most of the counselors who advocate exposure only recommend that you tell ONE person. That person should be someone that your wayward looks up to.
So in a sense if this is what you all are referring to as exposure, then maybe i agree more. But the nucleur type where you go around telling literally everyone is probably not a good idea.
Anyone else agree? To those who exposed, did you tell one person or many? How did it work out?
Since you asked . . .
First of all, when I read about exposure, I read a LOT of different ways of doing it. It's not true that "most" recommend exposing only to ONE person, nor do most recommend 360-degree shout-it-from-FB-and-the-rooftops. MOST authors and therapists that I read that recommended it said you should do it to a CLOSE circle of family, key influencer friends, and the other spouse (who has a right to know).
In my own case, it worked and we're happily reconciled today 6 years later. But if I had it to do over again, I would have exposed to a somewhat smaller circle of people (specifically, I would have kept my own parents and siblings and a few not-that-close friends out of it).
That said, it's certainly not DB or MWD's teaching.
