Hello all. I have been reading here for quite some time, learned that a lot of peoples stories mirror my own. Basic background...wife told me in May of this year the ILYBNILWY stuff, need space, yada, yada, moved out in June. I remained in the home with my stepson who refused to go with her. We also have an 8 yr old S that we share time with, week with her, week with me. She was having an affair, (imagine that) and started doing a partying with her sister she moved in with her. None while she had our son but pass out drunk on weeks she didn't have him. So I filed for custody of my son as I did not trust her enough to think that may not occur while he was there. Today I dropped that custody case as I feel it creates major tension with my immediate family. We have been talking and spending more time together. She says she only wants me, now realizes that I am what she wants, and wants us to go slow. Heard that about half a dozen times since May so don't put much faith in it as she seems to be in that pattern. Refuses to cut off ties with the ON because our kids play together and she says she can be friends and that is all for the kids sake. Also still contacts other men she has dated since she left and says they are only friends. Ok, heard all of these stories about we are just friends before, gut instinct tells me to run, however her big issue during our marriage was I wasn't attentive enough, didn't make her feel like number one priority, and wasn't there when she needed me. So I have been paying attention but have told her I just don't think we can move forward as a couple with these friend relationships still existing. I have took the time to attempt to stand in her shoes and see what she its talking about, but I find myself thinking this is just a way for her to have the best of both worlds. She even said that is why she tried to hide the affair originally. I told her now that the custody case was dropped she had no reason to pretend to be nice or want a relationship.
I suppose a paragraph would be nice huh? Some more background, met in 2000, married in 02, she had a son whom I have raised like my own that is now 17 and basically does not want a relationship with her. We had a son that is now 8 and thinks the works of his mom and dad. We worked odd hours early on so we didn't require a baby sitter and so we could get her thru college. She started work full time in 09, went crazy with our finances after she stated earning more, I didn't discover we owed what felt like everybody until Feb 2012 when I attempted to take out a loan and got quite a surprise. Her grandmother passed summer of last year, very traumatic trip back home for her as she has some deep rooted issues that were buried instead of addressed from there. I did not attend the trip to her hometown as we had a wake locally and did not realize she would have basically a nervous breakdown there. I can never forgive myself for that one, I just never saw it coming as she is a very strong individual. She attempted suicide later that year, had to keep my sons from seeing that as it was in our home. She told me she was trying to get my attention that she wanted more affection from me. I said that was not the best way at attempting that. Started her affair January of this year, got put on Paxil and Xanex March of this year.
Now in November she shows no intention of moving home, says she wants to be married but in two separate households, lost her job but does not ask me for money. Wants to be friends with the AP. I have tried NC, but she still calls or texts everyday with something concerning our boys. We are both doing IC for approx 3 months. We have taken vacations together and dated some. I tell her if she is not committed please do not do this to or sons as it will crush them again.
I have been giving her space, truly listening to her, thinking about what her needs are that I wasn't meeting and correcting them for this or the next relationship, have did several 180's that she has noticed, read divorce remedy, 5LL's to see where I went wrong. I do realize I an to blame for half of marital issues, but her affair was a decision.
My question is where do you draw the line and say enough is enough. You don't want to break ties with AP completly because kids play together and you don't wasn't to disrupt him but I can't feet her to understand the pain and lack of trust it creates for me. Not sure if she doesn't or if she does then maybe she does not care. Wants us to spend holidays together with all if her family. Makes absolutely no rationale to me. At the end of my town here and need some help.
Sorry for the book I wrote but had to give some catchup info.
Any replies would be most appreciative.
Thanks to those who have posted on this forum as I have read lots here.
I am glad you found us. There are several issues you are dealing with, including mental health problems. If you call me I can suggest a DB coach that would be superb in helping you figure out the best path you should be taking, not only for yourself, but your kids and wife as well. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
wife told me in May of this year the ILYBNILWY stuff, need space, yada, yada, moved out in June.
Hello and welcome to the forums! Your sitch I'm sure feels like FOREVER to you, but it's actually still fairly new. You're 5 months since S. But please understand, it can take a WAS a year or more after S before they start emerging from the fog. I get a sense from your post that you just want to call things done and move on because you're not seeing any progress, but IMO it's too soon for that. You have to show the WAS many, many months of consistent, changed behavior before they'll start to believe that you really have changed and that it's not just a trick to lure them back. The WAS's greatest fear in reconciling is that things will revert back to the way they were. They don't want THAT marriage, and neither should you. Your goal is a NEW marriage, a better marriage.
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She says she only wants me, now realizes that I am what she wants, and wants us to go slow. Heard that about half a dozen times since May so don't put much faith in it as she seems to be in that pattern.
If she is really committed to the M, then she will be willing to participate in MC. And GOOD counseling is a critical part of getting things back on track. If she doesn't want MC, then she's a WAS and what she's telling you is just lip service.
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My question is where do you draw the line and say enough is enough. You don't want to break ties with AP completly because kids play together
Is AP "affair partner"? If so then she MUST break it off with him before you can work on the M. Again, if she's not willing to break it off then she's not committed to the M and you've got to go into DB'ing mode unless and until she is ready.
Yes you are correct it feels like forever but I know months don't compare to the rest of my life if this turns around.
We started out in MC, but all we did was argue and point blame so I suggested we do IC for a while so we wouldn't be in an environment where we argued and nothing nothing was coming out concerning our individual issues. We have both been going independently approx 3 months. For the time she says she feels ok talking with the counselor about her as well as our problems because there is no history between her and the counselor. My wife will then tell me about some of the things they discuss. My goal for us is to be able to attend MC again once she feels she is ready. She knows that there are some very emotional issues from her past prior to me that she has buried for years, but unfortunately it affected our marriage. I am proud of her for opening up to someone about them because we both understand until that wedge is removed we can't have a better marriage. I have urged her to get help for years but she had not went, so this is a positive for her as a person, and hopefully I will reap the benefits as well. I also go weekly but sometimes I feel I gain more by reading about others who have walked the walk before me. One thing that has caused us a road block is communication, she does not like to discuss problems or concerns due to it being confrontation so she tucks them away and moves on like they do not exist. Prior to this year I would let that drive me nuts and try to get her to talk, makes her uncomfortable and I don't get results. I have learned it us better to let her open up, listen, and then reply. I have only asked that at the point she starts feeling uncomfortable to tell me she is and I will end the conversation then.
Yes AP is her affair partner. To her she says she can remain platonic because his kid and our kid play together and she doesn't want the kids relationship to be affected. I can sort of understand that as I do not want our son to suffer any more damage than necessary, but I feel that is leaving the door open for more problems later. I explain that it is very difficult for me to move forward with our relationship and regain trust when he is still in any sort of contact with her.
Thanks for the forum you have here. It had helped me to understand that I wasn't the only one going thru this.
Welcome to the boards. People here are great. Sorry you find yourself in this position. I think that with depressed spouses, detaching and GALing are especially important.
Good luck.
s4tk
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
Confused. Sorry you find yourself here. You made a wise choice in posting. I began posting a couple of weeks ago. For me just having a place to get it all out of my head did wonders for my PMA. You will also get wonderful advice. Implement the DB recommendations and go easy on yourself as it is a long process.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
My question is where do you draw the line and say enough is enough. You don't want to break ties with AP completly because kids play together and you don't wasn't to disrupt him but I can't feet her to understand the pain and lack of trust it creates for me. Not sure if she doesn't or if she does then maybe she does not care. Wants us to spend holidays together with all if her family. Makes absolutely no rationale to me. At the end of my town here and need some help.
You need to decide what your personal boundaries are in this MR. If a third party in the M is a deal breaker, then you need to decide what you will do in response if it continues. Boundaries are to protect you and what you value the most. Boundaries are not used in order to control the other person.
She cannot remain friends with a man she has had an A with, nor can she have any ties/connects with him (such as her kids playing with his). She has already shown how willing she is to put her A above her own child, and this malarkey she's telling you is nothing but WAW garbage. Of course it's not logical or rational, b/c she's not thinking logical. One of the first lessons you need to learn is that you cannot "deal" with her by trying to make her see things rationally. It is impossible. The WAW is all about "feelings". Her emotions will lead her and dictate what she does. That is one reason your talks do no good on her.
I maintain that most women will not have sexual love for two men at the same time. She may be fine remaining best of friends with her H, but doesn't want to end the A. I can't explain it all, (especially in one post), but it may help if you google PEA and see how all this hits her brain to feel the same as when she fell in love. It's very addictive to her and there is even withdrawal if it ends. Read about it to inform yourself with what you are dealing with here.
She has to end the A in order for the MR to succeed. Don't throw ultimatums at her, in hopes she'll do what you want b/c it doesn't work on a WAW. In fact, it will backfire. If you have expressed to her what you cannot live with, or live without, and what you would need to do if she continues contacting OM, you will need to stand behind what you've said. So, be careful what you say when you're angry.
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She attempted suicide later that year, had to keep my sons from seeing that as it was in our home. She told me she was trying to get my attention that she wanted more affection from me.
She would do that to her sons.....to get more affection???? If that is true, then she sounds unstable to care for a 8 yr old boy. I would be more concerned over her suicide attempts than the A (regarding child custody), but that is your business and private decision. I cannot imagine the strain it must place on you to worry about this.
Sometimes we may not know what to tell you to do in your stitch, but we usually can spot what doesn't work....b/c it's been tried too many times by thousands of LBH'S. Just don't feel you are getting beat up. There's a lot of support here and I hope you'll post every day possible, even a short one would keep us updated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
