I think I can stop this.... can you help me?

[Fitz]

W went out last night. I asked nothing. When I got home today from work I got cornered into another conversation with her. I said as little as possible. She did mention that she has noticed changes in the way I behave lately. She asked about thanksgiving. We are invited to both family's. We had been planning on going to mine, and then to hers for Christmas. She told me that she wanted to go to her uncles for thanksgiving. I told her I wanted to stick to the original plan and take our son to my family's house. I didn't mention her coming or not. She asked if it would be weird if I showed up and she wasn't there. I just said no not at all, why would it be?
I kinda got another verbal thrashing as she led the conversation towards what is going on with us right now. I just said I have told you how I felt and haven't changed my mind. Then I had to listen to her go on for half an hour about how I could never change and I was an evil person. I didn't argue or defend myself.

[Fitz]

She also mentioned last night that she doesnt ever want to get divorced. That she would stay married for the rest of her life and not care, it's just a piece of paper to her. I said but yeah what about moving on with your life? She told me that she has no interest in meeting anyone new and the she has no plans to move on with anything.

She is upset about breaking up the family, she mentioned that. I just told her she shouldnt worry about that and that things would work out fine. She is constantly telling me that she doesnt want me to be alone. I told her not to wory about me at all, just worry about herself. I feel like these fears are her own, but she tries to project them onto me.

She mentioned last night when we spoke that we haven't even been talking lately, and she is curious as to what I am up to. Should I just keep her guessing, and not share much into with her? She mentioned that she wanted to start talking again. I don't know how I feel about that. Every time we talk the conversation goes where I don't want it to go. I feel like I'm not ready.

I can see that she truly is confused. I want her to be able to make this decision on her own. If we talk it will lead to more of me saying what can change, and that things can work. Part of me feels like she needs to hear that stuff from me. But I also know that it isnt the right thing to do.

[Fitz]

Today was the first day since this whole mess started that W didn't email me or call me...

[AnotherStander]

She also mentioned last night that she doesnt ever want to get divorced.

That's good, you've got plenty of time for your DB'ing.

She is upset about breaking up the family, she mentioned that. I just told her she shouldnt worry about that and that things would work out fine. She is constantly telling me that she doesnt want me to be alone. I told her not to wory about me at all, just worry about herself. I feel like these fears are her own, but she tries to project them onto me.

Your responses to her statements were good validation. Don't worry about whether she's projecting or whatever, don't try to figure out what she's doing. Remember Sandi's tip about not believing anything they say. The WAS is confused and in turmoil inside and a lot of conflicting statements will come from the WAS during that turmoil.

She mentioned last night when we spoke that we haven't even been talking lately, and she is curious as to what I am up to. Should I just keep her guessing, and not share much into with her?

It's OK to be mysterious, but don't lie and don't avoid. If she asks specific questions then answer them. Just don't offer the info up on your own.

She mentioned that she wanted to start talking again. I don't know how I feel about that. Every time we talk the conversation goes where I don't want it to go.

Let HER talk and YOU listen. Let her take the conversation wherever she wants to take it. Don't try to direct or control it, just be the greatest listener ever. Listen and validate. Makes lots of eye contact. Nod. Ask clarification questions. Don't agree/ disagree/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ explain/ defend. Just seek to understand, and say things like "I hear you saying X, Y, Z, how did that make you feel?" and "I understand why you feel that way".

If we talk it will lead to more of me saying what can change, and that things can work.

DON'T SAY THAT!! When you say things like that you're saying "your feelings don't matter, this is stuff that can be easily fixed." DON'T try to fix things! Just listen and validate. That's it. That's what she wants, she wants to be heard and understood.

Part of me feels like she needs to hear that stuff from me.

Remember Sandi's tip about showing the WAS ACTIONS. Words don't mean anything. Also remember that DB'ing is often counterintuitive, your mind is telling you to explain and reason but that is WRONG. It doesn't work.

[Fitz]

Thanks. Last night when she got home from work she asked if I had spoken to my family about Thanksgiving. I told her that I had, and I had told them that I was coming with my son and that I wasnt sure if W was coming with me. I told her that she is still more than welcome to come.

I don't know if I shot myself in the foot with what I said next. She asked me if I mentioned anything to my mother about the problems we were having. I told her yeah I had mentioned a little bit. She asked what my mother had said, and I told her that my mother told me I had to do what makes me happy, and she just asked me one simple question, Could I ever love my wife again.

W asked what I answered, I was very vague to her and I just said that was a question that I guess I'd really have to think about. She went off on a mini-tangent, saying that love wasn't the problem. Of course she still loved me, if she didnt then this wouldn't be so hard for her. It's hard either way, trying to fix the marriage, or leaving because she still loves me.

This morning when I got to work, like a fool I checked the phone bill online, and I noticed that she had called a divorce lawyer for the first time this morning. uh-oh

[Fitz]

Oh man I walked in the front door tonight and she was immediately on my case. She wanted to know who I was talking to on the phone and what about. I was vague with my answer but she went off on another tirade. This time instead of saying that she was confused about what she wants she came right out and told me that she didn't want this relationship anymore. I just said thanks for finally letting me know. She said that she wants to move but doesn't want to divorce, who knows if we will miss each other and want to get back together. I just responded that if that's what she wants it's fine with me. She started to go on about how she knows I want to stay together and she knows I don't want this. I just told her to stop assuming that she knows what I want, and that her behavior towards me is becoming unacceptable. I told her she was making me numb to this whole situation by the way she's acting.

Man, this is one of those days when I really do want to throw in the towel. I definitely have a WAW on my hands and I can see that there's nothing that I can do to change her mind. I've got to let her go and figure this out on her own. I have to continue to detach and GAL. I was doing so well with that last week but the past few days I have been slipping.

At this point, I don't even know of I want a wife who obviously wants out and doesn't want me back. I think the hardest part of all of this for me right now is losing my best friend

[Fitz]

Thanksgiving was a tough day. I took my son and went to my family's house. W called around 3 while I was there and asked if her makeup was in the car. I went and checked and told her that it was. She flipped out on me and said "great, now I can't go to my family's house even if I wanted to!! I hope you enjoy your holiday!!" I told her she had makeup at home and yes she could still go and to stop looking for reasons to get mad at me. And that's exactly what she was doing, looking for reasons to be mad at me.

I got home around 8 and carried my son in, he fell asleep on the ride home. She was sitting there eating a turkey dinner that her aunt had brought her. She hadn't gone out. I handed my son to her, she kissed him and told him she missed him today. Then she said I missed both of you guys today. I told her I missed her too.

She went to lay in the bed with our son so he could go to sleep. She had left her email open and I saw that she had emailed a realtor today saying that she was looking for a 2 bedroom house for her and her son soon.

Any tender moment that I thought I had had when she told me she missed me was gone, and it was right back to how it has been for the past 3 weeks.

I'm hurting. Does she feel the same way? How can she not?

That rule about believing nothing I hear and less than half of what I see is a good one. I try to always remember that one. But that email to the realtor sure did look believable to me.

[Fitz]

Day after Thanksgiving. I'm in the office today. Today is the first day in a few weeks where I am feeling extremely weak, like I want to talk to her tonight. I won't actually do it, I know it wouldn't do me any good, but that's just where my minds at.

I guess the holidays are tough. I didnt think I would feel this way after almost 2 weeks of starting to try to detach and GAL.

[KikiDoll]

Fitz,

This entire crazy rollercoaster ride is a terrible thing, isn't it!? My bomb was dropped about 13 months ago and the highs and lows are so hard.

I have made numerous 180s, PMA and working on detaching. H is still in house, but mentioned separation/divorce and is cool, workaholic. I empathise with you and all other LBS on here!

[Fitz]

Yes this roller coaster ride is terrible. It continued for me yesterday. I was at work and W called me and asked if I had plans for tonight. I told her I didn't. She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with her and our son, she said she thought I would be fun. I said sure, that sounds great.

When I got home from work our son was napping. She started talking to me, and she was all over the place with the things she was saying. First she asked why we couldn't just meet with a mediator instead of hiring lawyers. I just told her that I didn't care to meet with either. Then she asked me why I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I told her that I knew she had taken it and put it somewhere when I had taken it off one day, and I don't know where she put it. More talk from her about separating. She asked me why I wouldn't be the one to leave. I just told her that this wasn't my idea and I want to stay in my home. If she wants to leave that's her choice. More talk from her about how things have just gotten so awful between us, about how the trust was gone. She geared up a lot talking about how hard this whole year had been since she had lost her mother and then all of the issues that we had been having. I just listened and validated, although inside I wanted to argue and defend. She told me that she will never be the same person that she was. Told me she loves me and wishes we could have a future together but she didn't see any way that was possible.

Finally she asked me what my thoughts were. I tried to be as honest with her as I could without sounding like I was begging or chasing her. I just told her that I have unfinished emotional business with her and that I don't want to leave and then regret my decision without trying first. That I still believed in love and that I didn't see us so much as having several problems, but more like having one big problem that started 6 months ago that we never really got over. She asked me what I wanted to do and I told her that I wanted to give it one last shot.

Part of me felt like I got through to her a little. But part of me also felt like what I said went in one ear and out the other and that she didn't care to hear anything that I had to say.

The three of us went to dinner. We had a pleasant time, mostly just enjoying watching our son.

After dinner we came home and I have my son a bath and put him to bed. She had to go to her grandparents house down the street to help her grandmother get her grandfather into bed (he's disabled and confused). She was gone for about an hour, she had called me and told me that they were having trouble getting him to cooperate.

I was exhausted at that point but wanted to stay awake to see her when she got home. I felt like we may have been building a little bit today, we had talked and spent more time together than we had in the previous month combined, and I didn't want to fall asleep and miss anything just in case.
When she got home she was exhausted too. She told me about her grandparents, I just listened.

We got ready for sleep, she told me that it's ok if I sleep in the bed too (I've been on the couch for weeks now). I hugged her and told her that separated people don't sleep in the same bed. She just looked at me. I said I know this isn't going to be easy, and I know I'm not going to be just given back the husband privileges that I had, but I look forward to earning them.