Hello! I tried to post a couple of months ago and I am not sure what happened, but I had to re-register and here I am now! I have been reading many posts here and following along with some of the threads, and it has helped me so much already. Here is my sitch:
Let me start by saying I am boyfriend busting, not divorce busting so that is one reason that I didn't try to post again sooner. I am very confused how my relationship plays into all of this being that we are not even married. That is the problem that got me here, my pressuring my BF to get married...and I ended up pushing him right out the door! We have been together for four years, and lived together for two until Aug. 1 2013 when we moved apart.
Geez, it is hard to know where to start but I will try to sum it up.
We started out casual and fell madly in love. I was recently separated at the time and I thought it was just a rebound situation. It turned out that we were inseparable! So in love!
About a year into our relationship I decided that I needed a break because I was having thoughts of being free and single and since he was in between jobs and trying to figure out his career, I thought we may not be ready for a relationship. I was questioning it all and I broke up with him despite still being in love. This is my biggest regret but something I felt I had to do. He was devastated. I was very honest with him the whole time and we still saw each other, but I was pretty much doing my own thing. After about 6 months and when I realized he was actually moving on, I decided I had enough fun (didn't have that much anyway), I missed him terribly, and I knew I didn't want to lose him. He was amazing with my 2 girls, he loved us all so much. We decided to move in together and talked about getting married once our careers were on track. Madly in love again...living together was a dream.
Everything was great for the first 6 months. Then I lost my job. I found a new one and that didn't work out. Then I found another which went up in flames as well. Finally found a new job and it was good at first but it didn't end up being what I thought. Needless to say I was very financially stressed out, and BF pretty much acted like it was my problem. His career was still in limbo (he is trying to become a firefighter and works 2 jobs, one volunteering and the other didn't pay much). We were always strapped, but never blended finances. He moved into my place so just paid me rent and I took care of everything else. I became pretty depressed, which I know caused me to push him away. He was always so sweet and loving and supportive, until it came to finances. Everytime I told him how I was going down financially, he would say he didn't know how he could give me more money, and would get mad. I tried telling him that I didn't need ore money, just a plan! I just wanted him to help me decide if we should get a cheaper place (rent was a lot), or do some cutting back, etc. Basically wanted him to work as a team with me. This took such a toll on us, because I could not understand why he turned a blind eye when I was struggling.
As I was getting into my new job, I was playing catch up financially, my ex- MIL passed away. We were always very close, despite my split from her son, the father of my children. I was so sad and grieving and on top of the finances, I just lost it. I tried to get through to BF and got 5 Love Languages for us to read. He tried, but we didn't stick with it. I tried emailing him and asking for specifics from him, since I had read somewhere that men need specifics. That didn't work. I got so frustrated and I began telling him I wanted to break up. He said no, I was just depressed, stressed, etc. but never offered any solutions to the issues. I asked him to help me look for new places and he would just say that we couldn't afford to move. I was desperately trying to tell him that we couldn't afford to stay! Long story, but I ended up giving him an ultimatum...and we fought. Something that we never did, and cannot stand to do with each other. He really is the nicest, most loving person I know. I forced him to talk about our R and pushed so hard that he ended up saying that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to marry anyone, even me. I was extremely fragile and hurt at this point. I broke it off...and we decided to move out. I changed my mind after I was too late and he got a place with a roommate. Begin humiliation phase...begging, crying, apologizing, trying to fix. He was very distant. I ended up moving 1 1/2 hours away, to my moms. It has been four months. Sorry this is so long... When we parted he said it wasn't over he was just confused and that this would be the best thing for us to do. He said he was sick of me playing games and breaking up with him but he still loved me and "everything will work out". For the first 2 weeks I initiated texting only. He would always respond but never initiated. After two weeks he started to initiate, saying he missed me etc. We started to see each other and gradually chatting more. We see each other about once a week now, if possible (still plans mostly initiated by me), and we are making love and going on dates. The times we are together are wonderful, like old times, except that he is still somewhat guarded I can tell. I have been DBing, and I know that is what has been working...but I feel like we are in limbo now, and I had a big setback on Thanksgiving when he made plans without me and I was upset. He had avoided the topic and ignored me when I asked about it even though he knew I would not have my kids and could be with him. I was very sad, and he apologized the next day, twice, but I feel that caused him to back off a little bit. I haven't heard from him in a few days...and when I saw something he posted on instagram that I didn't like, I said something last night (very nicely) and I am worried it was another backslide. The problem for me is my insecurity. No matter how much contact and how great things go, I am still scared that we will not move back in together. Since the split, we have both gotten new jobs, mine starts next week. Things are looking up on all counts and I am moving back near him, but I know he won't be ready to move in and I am having such a hard time with the uncertainty. I have come here for some clarity, since I think I may be being irrational. I have issues from my marriage ( my husband up and left me out of the blue one day...which I now know wasn't out of the blue, but it was very traumatizing for me needless to say). I think this has trickled over into this relationship and I just want to fix everything and get my sweet, loving boyfriend back. I have so much guilt. I am scared I may lose him for good. Maybe this is what I get for breaking up with him the first time...and hurting him. I don't know. Help!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
I was told about 6 weeks ago (before Halloween) by my husband of 20 years that he did not want to spend the next 20 years with me and wanted to move out. Over the next 3 weeks, we had long talks into the night, lots of sex, but nothing would budge him. In the second 3 weeks since the bomb dropped, I decided that all the discussions were pushing him farther away, and decided to just touch him lovingly in bed and have nice discussions of our day and family in bed and at dinner. The strangest thing is that in all this time (the full 6 weeks since his announcement), he was kind and happy within the context of our family - nice to me, nice to the kids, played games all together, requested certain dinners which I made for him and he thanked me for, gave me kisses at the beginning and end of every day and acquiesced to going on 2 dates. But 2 days before Thanksgiving, he informed me that he got the keys to an apartment and was moving out 2 days after Thanksgiving. 2 nights before he moved out, he snuggled up to me and spooned me in bed. There has been no awkwardness or tenseness in our daily interactions in the home before he moved out: People would find hard to believe, but it's true.
We told the kids on Friday -Boy, 11, girl 8, they were devastated and so am I. He moved out on Saturday. I am so sad and oddly, even though one of the characteristics that has pushed him away from me is that I get angry and yell at him on occasion, I am not angry at him and am having the hardest time accepting this. I have been anxiety-ridden all the time the last 6 weeks. He says he has been feeling this for a long time - He is not in love with me anymore - but he never said anything! I just don't understand how the problems between us are not worth working on - they do not seem so deep compared to other couples'. Any help or support appreciated. Thank you.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
I'm Barrybran, 30yo male from country New South Wales in Australia. I'm married with three kids and I'm here because I was unfaithful to my wife (inappropriate online interactions) and she has recently decided to separate.
I have messed up big time but I do see a future with my wife. I understand that it will take time and patience and she may never come back but I would appreciate advice from anyone about my situation, particularly anyone who has cheated and successfully reconciled.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Hi, Scott here and my wife told be 7 weeks ago she was done and wanted a divorce. (we've been married 9 years and have 2 boys) I dont want to give up but she has already contacted an attorney and filled out initial paperwork, but has not filled yet.
The main reason she is done is because of my drinking but she also admits that she is blame as well, but does not want to try and fix our relationship
W states its too late and the Damage has already been done and her heart is hardend now.
I am new here also, but unfortunately not new to the heartache you describe! I just wanted to say, I am so sorry you are going through this and it will get better each day. I know it is so confusing.
What helped me the most early on was exercise. I would do yoga, hot yoga. It was (and still is) hard sometimes, and there are even times when I cry during class. The good thing is it doesn't matter because I am hot and sweaty and no one can tell. It is a great, healthy release...it will help a lot with your anxiety. Just make sure to drink lots of water!
Afterwards you will feel better too.
Just some thoughts and sending hope and hugs your way
Hang in there.
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Needing more: Thank you so much - it feels good to get a kind reply! And I will try yoga again - I do love it, but fell out of the habit. It was a difficult morning: children were emotional and I have an urge to share with husband, but am trying to heed advice to "go dark" or reduce contact. I will look for your posts already on board,
dx
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Hi, I am a 50 year old husband whose wife on sept 11 told him that we are not compatiably and loves me but doesnt want to live with me any more. we've been married for 22 years and have 3 children 15,19 and 21. I've done all the wrong things since that day. Now im at the desperation part. Told her to get it done.... and oh boy did she. The filing for divorce was done on the 22 of november and i just got informed on the 2 of December. Called her with the thanks of all the 33 restrianing order items. She said its just the normal doc paper stuff they file. How ever this morning i talked to her and she said she'd go to counseling with me. Lost and confused... Is this a tactic on her part or is it sincerely an attempt. The lies havent stopped throught the days since... I'm not sure what to think or do... Just go with it and hope for the best or play hard to get still?
Hi, Just had the worst week of my life. Have been going to Counselling every Tuesday for 5 weeks with W trying to get our 21 year marriage back on track, with have 4 boys.
I didn’t treated the counselling too seriously as I believed the problem lay with W, but wanted the outcome of a sex life back in our marriage as did W.
We definitely had/have relationship issues, in fact the “The Sex starved Marriage” reads a lot like our relationship.
So Counsellor suggested we try a night away, I had a business trip on a Friday so suggested to W to join me and we’d stay overnight. We had a great night out, bit too much alcohol and of course I pushed for sex. The sex wasn’t great for either of us so I got upset but kept it to myself.
A week later we are out on a Friday night after work with colleagues, yes we work together as well, a good night was being had by all. W made an innocent remark and I flew into a rage but kept it reasonably under control in front of our colleagues but W was in no doubt that I was angry.
Later at the end of the evening in the cab home I gave full vent to my resentment, spilling bile about lots of crap, calling W names, telling W she has a drinking problem and that she’s a sponge on me and my company.
Woke up Saturday morning and W was not in our bed, so resentment built up again, W had slept on the couch. Not satisfied with what I said on the cab ride home I decide I had to torture W even more, so I went for the jugular, I said I wanted a Divorce, W has to move out asap and that W is not getting access to the kids.
Of course W was completely shocked and stunned but I didn’t care, I let W stew all day. W took to her bed and when I went in to the room W had tears in her eyes which I viewed as success.
I slept on the couch and waited a whole 24 hours before saying to W that I might have been hasty, W thought about it for a few hours and said No she wants a divorce. I thought yea right, that’s going to happen, W will change her mind when we get to counselling on Tuesday.
Things were tense Sunday night and Monday but I thought come Tuesday Counselling session I can put this down as a “blow out” by me and that we’ll get back on track to W being the problem.
During the session we both explain some of what’s happened and W reiterates she wants a Divorce. Councillor does her best to try and smooth the situation but asks what we want to do next.
I say I want to fight for our marriage and W says she wants a divorce, then a discussion ensues about divorce, the kids need to be the focus etc. At this stage I'm thinking what’s going on here.
I have never see W so determined, W recalled all the time I’d been mean to her over the last 12 months. W was so focused on the decision she has made and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have finally push W too far. W is serious about this, the adrenaline flowed into my stomach, butterflies and an over powering desire to vomit came over me. I asked to be excused to go to the toilet and dry wrenched a few times.
Came back to the session to suggestions that I should leave the bed room to provide space between W and myself. Wasn't able to concentrate but more was said and a nightmare picture came into my head. More adrenaline flowed into my system and I couldn’t take anymore so I asked could I leave while choking back tears and said to W see you at home.
Drove around for a while, trying to decide if I should just get drunk to numb the sickness in my stomach or try and plead with W to keep trying.
Settled on having one large JD and coke while trying to reflect and then it hit me, what a “c***” I’ve been and have been for the last few years, probably the last 4 years.
I felt W was right she deserves happiness after all the crap I’ve put her through, I felt I don’t deserve W and that she has tried her best to keep us together.
Slept on the couch Tuesday night, couldn’t sleep, all the nightmare divorce scenarios are running through my head.
Couldn’t talk to W as I was a mess. Went to work Wednesday, couldn’t concentrate, still can’t talk to W. Lurch between feeling sick and wanting to cry. Sleep on the couch again, can’t sleep nightmare divorce scenarios running through my head again. Thinking I’ve absolutely blow it.
Thursday still can’t concentrate on work so start looking for sites to help with where I am, arrange a private session with our counsellor for tomorrow at 6 pm. Do a search for “getting back with your ex” and find this site. 1st site I found with a positive message to saving marriage. Read a few post and felt a positive vibe on the site.
Registered and staring reading chapter 1 of “The Divorce Remedy”, wow blew my mind. I don’t have to accept that the relationship is dead, I may have lost a battle but I intend to win the war.
I’ve order the book, express delivery it will be here on Saturday.
I will question the counsellor on her attitude to marriage and divorce but I don’t thing I have anything to worry about re the counsellor but better to be safe than sorry.
Feeling so much better already, I have a goal and a focus, fight for our relationship. I know I’ve been a miserable husband for the last 4 years but I now want to learn and change. I can’t wait for the book to arrive.
It won’t be an easy road I know but at long last I realise what I want more than anything, W, our kids and our beautiful home. Tears in my eye so I’ll sign off now.
Last edited by Virginia; 12/06/1302:28 PM.
Me 48, W 50 M 21, T 27 4 Boys 11 to 19. BD 01 Dec 13
Hello Everyone, I have had the most difficult year. My H and I have been together for 28 years and married for 24. H had an EA in 2003. We didn't seek any C at that time. I have had trust issues since then. At the beginning of this year, I felt my husband pulling away. I went into I need to catch him mode, as I was sure he was cheating on me. Anytime I read the signs to look for, H matched the list, he matches many things in the MLC area too. Well after several bad fights things continued to spiral out of control, H was very mean and fights got bad, never had happened before. H insists no A, and no concrete proof. H moved out 7/25/13, and was living in camper, H moved home 9/21/13, we live in the northern US, camper got cold. H continues to tell me he is not sure he wants to live another 30 years married to me and not being able to live with my distrust. H feels that he can not be his outgoing flirtious self being M to me. Since I get so jealous.
I have read several books and I understand my role in our problems. I am trying to change!! We had a good marriage! We did everything together and everyone thought we had a good R until this year. After H moved home we sleep in same bed but H has a wall around him and doesn't want to get hurt again. I have lost a couple pounds, feel great about myself, and I want to have a our relationship back. I find myself with no patience, and feeling rejected sexually and emotionally by spouse daily. We are very polite and getting along fairly well, when at home, as roommates. We lead a active social life and when we go out things go BAD!! So attempting to not go out together very much, which hurts since we did everything together.
H found out he has cancer 1 week after moving home, which has complicated the R. He caught the cancer early and its stage 0, and will complete radiation next week and hopefully will be feeling better by Christmas. The outcome is as good as one can hope for in regards to his cancer!!
I have tried to concentrate on me, but I work fulltime and go to school online taking 2 -3 classes per semester. Both Sons left home this year, another hard one. I know I need to concentrate on me and give him space and let him miss me. At this time H is keeping mental ledger of every offense I have made in the past 20+ years. The list is long, most things I don't remember!!! I have many personality flaws and H blames many things on me, which is hard on my poor self esteem. In the past year, being very scared, hurt and an emotional wreck. I have made many bad choices in public around others and have not kept things private. H has not shared any details with anyone. H no longer trusts me because I shared too much with others. When I have a problem I like to talk to others about it, ALOT! Two weeks ago, I made him a promise to not talk to anyone about us, trying to change:)
There is still talk of D. I want the R back, NOW!!! I need patience and my feeling get hurt so easily. I think if he let his wall down and forgave me and himself, we could get back to a great R. We have seen a MC a few times, whatever she suggested he didn't want anything to do with it. I continue to see my counselor. I have read 3 of DB books, I fall apart when I read of people waiting months and years for their spouse to want to be in the M again. I do not want to go that long without any affection, I am starved for affection.
ltdmtp, so sorry you find yourself here. Copy and paste this as a new topic in the Newcomers forum, and you will get a ton of great advice and support. Also make sure you keep posting so you can get off moderation!
Hang in there.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
