Exposure

[hotwheelsaust]

Thank you 25 that was beautifully written. Maybe I should explain myself better than what I did. I do agree fully with you, that the WAS probably doesn't get to ride the wave. It more the view of what it seems like, especially at the beginning of the sitch. It seems that the WAS, is the happy person, the one who has "moved" on so to speak, the one who doesn't sit at home wondering what happened, what went wrong. They mostly don't do all the work about how can I fix/repair/be better my marriage. It does seem that the WAS, doesn't care about the bills they have left, the house, the kids (sometimes). And that is what I was more writing about.
What I do agree about, is yes, the LBS is the one who improves, who can hold their head high, knowing they did everything possible to fix their marriage. The LBS is the one who doesn't feel guilty down the track or who won't regret things.

So humbly, I apologise, because my comment could of and should of have been more thoughful about what I was trying to get across. What we see and believe at the time, is not necessarily what the WAS is going through.

[RockJC]

//No one really cares what she did and how much it may have hurt me.//

That is what really shocked me about this whole thing. Culturally, this has become completely acceptable. My values are different and I didn't realize how many people were completely OK with this.

[hotwheelsaust]

It's funny how the values of people you respected and admired can change overnight, or maybe they simply didn't have those values we thought they did.

[25yearsmlc]

It's funny how the values of people you respected and admired can change overnight, or maybe they simply didn't have those values we thought they did.

hard to tell which it is. A lot of folks are cowards and would rather be sick than confront a person or raise an issue of moral concern.

I myself had maybe 4 conversations in 32 yeears to others who are ruining their marriages.

IF they are having an A, chances are they do not want MY advice...

[SM34]

25, that was all very well written! Not sure if i came across as supporting shaming thr WAS, but let me clarify that I don't.

My father in law still doesn't know what's going on. He will be the one who will shame my wife the most when he finds ou, yet I don't want to be the one to tell him. He went through this same thing when my mother in law left him and this will be a painful reminder that more should have been done to teach my wife at an earlier age that what happened between her parents was unacceptable.

Just like to comment on family and friends not seeming to care...

I think us LBS will always feel that family of the WAS could have done more, could have said more, could have had stronger boundaries. I for one feel that if my daughter ever chose to cheat on her husband i would tell her in no uncertain terms that its unacceptable. I would make it clear that if she continued she would lose me, and I would follow through if need be. So why don't more parents and siblings do this?

Well, consider this, even though it is only one example of why...

My mother in law seems to be burying her head in the sand. But, I know from her husband telling me that she has gone into massive turmoil. She has actually increased her therapy sessions and her dr has bumped up dosages of anti depressants.

She is battling her own demons brougt on by this crisis. Itis a painful reminder of her own cheating, her own abandonment of her family, her own marriage to her OM which has been turbulent, her own feelings that she was a bad role model for her daughter, etc etc...

She just wants to pretend this is not happening because its too painful for her. She does not have the strength and courage to face it.

So, one reason some family may not do as much as us LBS think they should, might be because its too painful. It hits too close to home for many people. Perhaps they have cheated or they have been cheated on. It remins of the saying....

Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.

I think my father in law is more without sin than the rest of her family. He will surely cast not just the first stone, but the biggest most damaging one. Which is why my wife hasn't told him.

So consider that some family members may be hiding their own truths. And they may believe they are not without sin.

What bothers me about this is that my mother in law doesnt see that actually because of her experience she actually is in a very good position to influence my wife..

Imagine a conversation between the two of them about how MIL regrets what she did, or how much therapy she still needs even 20 years later, or how her new marriage is not the fairy tale she thought it woild be, or how she conteplated suicide at one point in he life because of the damage she has done (she told me this but wife doesn't know). But I understand why she can't say these things to my wife....

It would be an admission of guilt, it would ve a slap in the face for my wife to hear that the pain and torment she went through over her parents divorce was unwarranted. That the childhood she had could havr been better. It would negate all those 'reasons' that my wife and MIL have regurgitated for years as to why she HAD to leave my FIL. It would jeopardize the evil husband picture tha they have painted in regards to my FIL.

Funny that I have always considered that FIL is one of the most gentle, caring, and honorable person I have met. Yet his exwife and daughter paint a very different picture of him. I never understood why until I found myself here..

They have rewritten his history to justify the actions of MIL.

So I think some family pretends all is fine in the world because its theur defense mechanism to peotect them from theur own demons.

Few have the strength and courage to out their loved ones for their behavior. The world ha changed from those times.

[SM34]

25, you have some very important points you made regarding my sitch. Pls look out for my new thread soon. I'm gathering my thoughts on how to move forward in my life and planning a new thread to get some insight from allof the wonderful ppeople here...

My sutuation has become extremely complicated with new developments regarding my daughter. She has been diagnosed with a disorder that put her emotional health as main priority. Anyway this is not th place to discuss this so pls look me up in about a week or so. Would LOVE your input on how to proceed.

Thanks evryone. Very good points made on this thread!!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm going to cross thru the parts of this that are mind reading and OR projection on your end. It's useless and you have been told this so many times I can't imagine why it has not sunk in yet.

25, that was all very well written! Not sure if i came across as supporting shaming thr WAS, but let me clarify that I don't.

My father in law still doesn't know what's going on. He will be the one who will shame my wife the most when he finds ou, yet I don't want to be the one to tell him. He went through this same thing when my mother in law left him and this will be a painful reminder that more should have been done to teach my wife at an earlier age that what happened between her parents was unacceptable.

Just like to comment on family and friends not seeming to care...

I think us LBS will always feel that family of the WAS could have done more, could have said more, could have had stronger boundaries. I for one feel that if my daughter ever chose to cheat on her husband i would tell her in no uncertain terms that its unacceptable. I would make it clear that if she continued she would lose me, and I would follow through if need be. So why don't more parents and siblings do this?



So, as a FATHER, you would disown your d for doing something in HER marriage, that you find unacceptable but which you as a h, are tolerating??? And what about YOU setting some boundaries in your marriage? Why would her parents do that for you?

To WHOM is her behavior unacceptable? You seem to think it's unacceptable to the world and you want the world (her family, friends, anyone but YOU) to speak to that.

But it's really only YOUR job to set AND enforce boundaries in your m, isn't it?


As for why more families don't do this, (thank God) I think it's b/c most people don't see things as black and white as you PRETEND to....b/c if you really were sure of it being all wrong or all right, you'd have left this marriage.




Well, consider this, even though it is only one example of why...

My mother in law seems to be burying her head in the sand.

Your MIL is burying HER head in the sand? See anything ironic here?


But, I know from her husband telling me that she has gone into massive turmoil. She has actually increased her therapy sessions and her dr has bumped up dosages of anti depressants.

She is battling her own demons brougt on by this crisis. Itis a painful reminder of her own cheating, her own abandonment of her family, her own marriage to her OM which has been turbulent, her own feelings that she was a bad role model for her daughter, etc etc...

She just wants to pretend this is not happening because its too painful for her.

^^mind reading and projection...and the next sentence (below) is an amazingly strange thing for YOU to say. THink about the hypocrisy of it.



She does not have the strength and courage to face it.

Oh the irony...

So, one reason some family may not do as much as us LBS think they should, might be because its too painful. It hits too close to home for many people. Perhaps they have cheated or they have been cheated on. It remins of the saying....

Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.

I think my father in law is more without sin than the rest of her family. He will surely cast not just the first stone, but the biggest most damaging one. Which is why my wife hasn't told him.

So consider that some family members may be hiding their own truths. And they may believe they are not without sin.

What bothers me about this is that my mother in law doesnt see that actually because of her experience she actually is in a very good position to influence my wife..

Imagine a conversation between the two of them about how MIL regrets what she did, or how much therapy she still needs even 20 years later, or how her new marriage is not the fairy tale she thought it woild be, or how she conteplated suicide at one point in he life because of the damage she has done (she told me this but wife doesn't know). But I understand why she can't say these things to my wife....

It would be an admission of guilt, it would ve a slap in the face for my wife to hear that the pain and torment she went through over her parents divorce was unwarranted. That the childhood she had could havr been better. It would negate all those 'reasons' that my wife and MIL have regurgitated for years as to why she HAD to leave my FIL. It would jeopardize the evil husband picture tha they have painted in regards to my FIL.

Funny that I have always considered that FIL is one of the most gentle, caring, and honorable person I have met. Yet his exwife and daughter paint a very different picture of him. I never understood why until I found myself here..

They have rewritten his history to justify the actions of MIL.


Since you were not there to witness any of this history that you accuse them of revising, maybe you are NOT the bellweather of truth here. Maybe they do know something you don't know. Maybe??

And the projections and mind reading are counter productive b/c it keeps you enmeshed in things that are IRRELEVANT and stop you from making real progress.



So I think some family pretends all is fine in the world because its theur defense mechanism to peotect them from theur own demons.

Few have the strength and courage to out their loved ones for their behavior. The world ha changed from those times.

When is the last time YOU confronted your w about the behavior you find so unacceptable that you WISH others would say something to her?

[SM34]

25, I appreciate your comments. The stuff I wrote that you consider mind reading, might be just that. I was writing this as it pertains to exposure since that is the topic being discussed. It was not meant to be with regards to my peronal sitch, but more of a general discussion of what MIGHT be happening when family doesn't step in the way us lbs FEEL in our not so strong, not so loving moments.

You have valid points though. I'm not going to deny that. Just that this was kind of supoosed to help the folks who ae wondering why family has done nothing see that perhaps there are unknown reasons, more so than me actually moaning about my mother in law not doing anything .

I was trying to keep my personal story off this thread and focus on expsure and what may or may not be happening in WAS, LBS And family minds.

Ill fill you in on my sitch soon, on ny own thread.

[SM34]

Oh and yes, I would absolutely punish my daugter if she did the same to her husband. Engaging in the destructive behavior is vastly different to temporarily tolerating it (with boundaries). Also lets not forget why. I'm trying to save our marriage so m y daughter can have a stable life, so she can break the cycle that my wife could not. And of course I still hab some love for my wife.

Had we not had children, this would have been over a looooong time ago. I have to live with the outcome of this, and be able to look my daughter in the eye and say I tried everything.

[SM34]

Happy thankgivings everyone!!!!

The only exposing allowed today is exposing the turkey while it is naked

Have fun everyone. Spend time with your kids, your parents, your friends. Watch football. Do the things you have always done, with or without your other half.

Be thankful for what you have. There are many millions of people here and around the world that would give their left arm to be as lucky as you. Dont foget that...ever!