I think I can stop this.... can you help me?

[Fitz]

Today I confirmed that W went to meet with a divorce lawyer. I also know that she has been looking for housing to rent over the past week. Does it usually happen this fast?

Some days I feel like she is thinking about wanting to give it another shot, but then stuff like this happens to show how serious she is!

[2chiquitos]

I remember a thread posted as fast train to divorceville or something like that. Goes to show you that you're not alone. And yes it can be this fast.

Fitz, remember, this is her journey. Allow her to continue on her journey. If this is the path she wants to take then move aside. DB is about you working on yourself so that you can be a better partner, father, son, etc.

Take care of yourself and if you are, DON'T SNOOP!!

[Fitz]

I admit that I have snooped and I know I need to stop that. When this all started I thought in my head that the only reason we could possibly be going through this was because there was an OM, so I looked for evidence. I found none and realized it was all happening because of the day to day problems we were having.

I have cut out the snooping lately. But I will come home and see that she has divorce papers, or notes from talking with a divorce lawyer, sitting right on the desk. It's almost as if she wants me to see them. If that is the case then I find that rather cruel on her part to rub my face in it.

I have been trying my best to detach. Most days I feel as though I am doing a good job. But then I feel like she starts to pursue me. She will email me random things daily, and her emails always start with "hey babe". She will question everything that I do. She will cook dinner (which she has never done) and insist that we eat together. Must just be part of the cat and mouse game to make sure that she is keeping me interested just in case.

[Fitz]

One thing that she said to me last night, she asked if I had spoken to a lawyer yet. I said no why would I. Then she went on to tell me that she doesn't care to get divorced, that it is too much of a hassle. I just responded by saying then what are our options, live together in misery or separate? She said she'd prefer to separate but wasn't sure what I wanted. I said that I thought I made myself clear when we talked 2 weeks ago? And she said that she hasn't ruled out us staying together.

It's things like this that drive me crazy! She seems to be saying this exact same thing on a daily basis. I don't take the bait but feel like she wants to talk about it, wants me to beg. I don't know, I just find this to be the hardest part for me lately.

[JuneReN]

So you need to get off the rollercoaster. They will say one thing then immediately change their mind.

They will forget they said x and say y instead.

This is perfectly script. The challenge is for you to become the best Fritz possible. GAL, 180.

Make us a list of things to improve about you

[ccZ28]

Fitz,

We seem to be in similiar situations, in that, We have been married a similiar amount of time, and both have young children.

I feel for you man. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

I'm currently in the same stage as you, W wants (is basically separated) her space. I'm doing my best to detach, and GAL, and have also been noticing that my w is slightly pursuing.

Some advice from Accuray. He said to KNOW that this kind of behavior will happen. To expect it, and know how to face it. I know this isn't easy to deal with, but you have to put a face on. You have to pretend that everything is ok. (cry later... in the car if you must, that's what I had to do this morning)


I'm rooting for you man. Keep up the good work.

[Fitz]

Some advice from Accuray. He said to KNOW that this kind of behavior will happen. To expect it, and know how to face it. I know this isn't easy to deal with, but you have to put a face on. You have to pretend that everything is ok. (cry later... in the car if you must, that's what I had to do this morning)

Thanks cc. I read your thread too and I wish you the best as well. I am now expecting this type of behavior, and I am learning how to deal with it better. Keep my happiness level up no matter what. It definately is tough when W changes back to being interested and offers that glimmer of hope. I think with Thanksgiving last week, it really affected me more than I thought it would. I had been making some good progress with my DBing for a few weeks up to that point and was starting to feel better, but us not being together that day, and me being with my son while she was alone, I just felt awful. I try to just tell myself that it was her choice for it to be that way

[Fitz]

So you need to get off the rollercoaster. They will say one thing then immediately change their mind.

They will forget they said x and say y instead.

This is perfectly script. The challenge is for you to become the best Fritz possible. GAL, 180.

Make us a list of things to improve about you

Thanks for the reply kate. I realize that I have to become the best guy possible. I'm still slightly in the denial/shock phase so it all needs to start with me getting my head straight. I need to accept that my marriage is over and that it was not my choice. I need to play the hand I was dealt. Speand time without my wife. GAL which will include spending more 1 on 1 time with my son, going to the gym 3 mornings a week, making plans with friends and family on the weekends to get out of the house. I need to get off of the rollercoaster and keep my mood happy regardless of her ups and downs. Let her walk away and don't question where she is or what she is doing or how she is feeling.
The list could go on and on but that is my start, I have to try to stick to these things and take it one day at a time

[Fitz]

It just happened again. W called me on her break. She just wanted to let me know that she wasn't planning on "blindsiding" me. She said that whatever happens she wants to work together. I told her that was good. She went on to tell me that this was her breaking point and that she didnt know what she wanted to do. I agreed and told her that we both need more time to think it through. She told me once again that she still loved me and wished we could have a future together. I just told her that I understood and that if she felt like she had to leave then I wouldn't stop her. She told me to stop leaving all of the decisions up to her. I just replied that this was not my idea and I had already let her know what I wanted. She asked if That was still what I want (stay together), and I said of course, I took a vow and I'm invested and committed to my family, but I'm also trying to work on myself at the same time. She told me how impossible it would be to work this out, and how we have tried so many times and gotten the same results. I just told her that sometimes you get a wake-up call and that you learn from your past failure, and anything is possible if 2 people want it. She went on to talk more doubt and negativity. I was sorry that I had gotten in this conversation with her, but at the same time there has been some tension between us the past day or so, so someting needed to be said. She went on about how she just doesnt know, and I told her that we should just take some time to think about it.

I do feel like she was pursuing me a little, but I also expected this and tried to stay off of her rollercoaster the best that I could.

One of her big points that she was trying to get across to me was that she wanted me to like her friends and hang out with them more and not have a problem with her going out with them. I tild her that I have always gone out with them when I was invited and I have always gotten along great with them. I told her over the past 3 weeks she has gone out with them about 5 times and I havent said anything to her negatively about it.

I think another problem may be that she has badmouthed me so much to her friends that she would have a hard time going back to them now and telling them that she has decided to give it another try with me. But that is not my problem, it is hers

[MrBond]

Stop trying to mindread her. You don't know why she's doing what she's doing any more than she is. You have to stop agreeing to what she's saying and start doing what you want to do for a change.

"She said that whatever happens she wants to work together."

When she says stuff like this, you should say that while that's what she wants, you're still deciding what to do for yourself.