My MLCer wants to return home now. 1 year have passed since bomb drop. She regrets everything she did, she can't forgive herself for the things that she did. She is quite depressed. Crying and saying that she will harm herself. Asking for help. She doesn't know what to do.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
My MLCer wants to return home now. 1 year have passed since bomb drop. She regrets everything she did, she can't forgive herself for the things that she did. She is quite depressed. Crying and saying that she will harm herself. Asking for help. She doesn't know what to do.
Can you give us any more information?
Did she have an OM? Did she break up with him?
Sounds like she is frantically trying to keep from hitting bottom.
What do you want to do?
Are there children? Your age, her age, there age?
IMHO you dont want to RESCUE her but on the other hand I would be open to listening to her. How detached are you?
(Sorry for my English) Before writing the whole story i want to write a few words. After the bomb drop, I read lots of articles about midlife crisis. Also i learned lots of things from DB forums. I insisted not to detach. But 6 months after bomb drop, especially when the OM was in the picture, it was very difficult to live with such a pain. I could do nothing to prevent what she was doing. So i started anti-depressants and tried to detach. After that, i was able to live my life normally. Although there are some times when i am feeling bad, i am generally fine now. In my opinion and experience, if someone really has midlife crisis, soon or late, she will regret what she has done. Not every people having an affair should be diagnosed as having midlife crisis. I think, most important criteria someone is having midlife crisis is confusion. My mlcer was always saying that she was confused. Now the story; Together 12 years, married 10 years, two kids : 8 & 9, Ex-wife : 35 , Me : 37 What she said and did so far : DECEMBER 2012 -“I want to leave everything behind, even the kids, and run away. Is it all? Is it life? I don’t want to die like this. There should be more.” -“I am becoming selfish. I feel like I am lost. I think I will loose my mind.” -“Don’t you see me? i am unhappy. I will live a more satisfying life. This life is unsuccessful. I lost ten years. I wish I were not married with you.” *She left the house. Started to live alone in a different house. She was coming to house to see the kids. She was sometimes very angry with me. Sometimes we were like good friends. She started to go to gym. She changed her eating habits. FEBRUARY 2013 * After being a house wife for ten years, she started a new job. She was very happy with her new job. Her salary was fine so she changed her apartment, also got loan from bank and spent for new furniture. Her mood was high. APRIL 2013 * After 2 months she started her new job, excitement with the job started to diminish. Her mood was low. Since her mood was low she started to insist on divorcing. - “I have to divorce. I don’t know why exactly. I have such a feeling that we should divorce. I can’t explain this feeling. I am not sure but I hope divorce will make me relax.” MAY 2013 * We got divorced. After a few weeks I asked her if divorce worked ? - “At first it made me relax, but now it doesn’t have the same effect. It didn’t work” - “If some guy is interested in me I will feel very well. I need something like this. My life is gray now. I have to do something to color it.” * OM is in the picture. - “The guy I met is only my friend” * I was quite sure that what she said was correct. She only wanted to be a friend with him. But she couldn’t succeed. The relationship went to different direction. * She left her job because her company was having financial problems. She couldn’t get her salary. She started to have financial problems. She was low. She called me one day. - “You were right. The things I changed so far are not working. Sorry. I am very sorry. In the future I want to be together with you. But I can’t do this right now.” JUNE – JULY 2013 * The relationship with the OM deepened. Her mood was high. I think the love feeling was keeping her high. AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 2013 - “I will marry with him, because I found what I have been searching for. I am very happy now. I will live the remaining of my life with him.” OCTOBER 2013 * She was very confused. She was not absolutely sure about marrying. NOVEMBER 2013 * She married with OM. She told all her friends that she was the happiest person because she found her soulmate. * After a few weeks, we talked on the phone. She was very very low and crying. - “I messed up everything. I am actually behaving like I am happy. But I am not. I am wearing a happiness mask. Nothing I changed in my life worked so far. Is there a possibility we can be together again?” - “How did I do this to you? To my kids? I am nothing. I want to die. I can’t forgive myself. Please help. What should I do? I will harm myself. ” * She came to see me. She was crying.
In my opinion and experience, if someone really has midlife crisis, soon or late, she will regret what she has done. Not every people having an affair should be diagnosed as having midlife crisis. I think, most important criteria someone is having midlife crisis is confusion. My mlcer was always saying that she was confused.
Totally agree with what you wrote and your English is not that bad.
Why not? What if we want to help our MLC'er who messed up their entire life, or maybe even be with them again. Please explain.
Rescuing and FIXING are co-dependent behaviors and the MLC'er needs to work through their issues on their own, if they wanted help they would ask you for it and not push you away or try to divorce you.
Best way to help is to LET GO and stop pursuit. If this is meant to be then they will pursue us again in the future.
