Back....again.

[Lll54]

And I don't know how to deal. He left for work tonight and gave me a big tight hug and a kiss but it felt meaningless. And the haze in his eyes and the sadness in his face told me so. I think be really wants out again and is too scared to say anything. So he is beating himself up on the inside.

[Lll54]

So he is out reffing tonight out of town but should be back at a decent time. I guarantee he has plans to go out and isn't gonna tell me and will just show up at 3am. What do I do? Ignore? Act as if?

[TrentC]

I think be really wants out again and is too scared to say anything. So he is beating himself up on the inside.

Stop trying to read his mind. You are so mired in these dysfunctional behavior patterns that I don't think you even realize you do it.

Why would he be too scared to say he wants out? He's said that he wants out before; he even moved out for a few months, if I remember correctly. So what would stop him now?

[Lll54]

So he was in an ok mood today. But cracked the odd comment. We had an extra firepit and we talked about giving it to friends for their new home. I asked today if he was doing that and he said he isn't sure. Maybe he will keep it for his "new place". I asked him to repeat and be said "ya! My new place with T" (our middle child). Obviously a joke...but really? Then later he asked if he should shave his head and leave his Movember stache. I told him no I hate him in a shaved head and he said " what do you care..." I told him I have to look at him everyday. He goes "I can fix that". I asked him if he is trying to tell me something with all these comments and he said no he would sit me down if he had something to say. But then he goes..."Hun, do you think we should be married?" OMG...it never ends!!! I said yes, I love you. Then I got angry and told him he did this to me and when be came home again he promised me he would never do this to me ever again so don't even talk like this anymore!" He said ya well that was before you went crazy again...He says all this in a somewhat joking not serious manner but at the same time does he mean it? We set up all our Xmas decorations today and he did the outside lights. He bought these special expensive lights secretly that I have wanted for a while and told me he wanted to surprise me with them. But couldn't.

I'm so confused

And ps. He came home at 5 am last night....normal of a husband/father of three? Told me he drove a bunch of people home from bar and then went and talked to his police buddy who was working. But there were no calls coming in so they sat and talked and he lost track of time. I dunno.

[TrentC]

I'm so confused

Because you refuse to do what you need to do, which is to let go of his chaos. You insist on continuing to scrutinize every single thing he says and does for the "real" meaning; you are the one making yourself miserable at this point, not him. You know how I keep saying that you can't fix him? The reverse is true as well.

And, you are doing exactly what you claim you don't want to do, which is to push him away. No one can live with that kind of pressure on them, let alone someone who is going through their own emotional crisis. I don't know if it's a midlife crisis, or some other form of depression—maybe some form of PTSD?—but he is barely holding himself together, and you insist on loading him down with your baggage as well.

[Lll54]

I don't understand what you mean about me loading him down with my baggage? I do think there is an emotional crisis going on. What man who is such a family guy dedicated to his wife and kids turns into a bar maniac. Going out till all hours of the morning.

I guess I just don't know how to handle that? Do I sit him down and talk to him about it? Do I act as if?

I'm just really puzzled as to what to do because he isn't leaving, he isn't talking about leaving (seriously). I think he jokes about it because he is a control freak and likes me under his power. But I'm lost as to how to react. What's right and what's wrong.

This is just so different than last time

And he goes through such up and downs. This morning he was affectionate with me and hugging and kissing and saying thank you every five minutes for everything I did.

I'm trying not to let it affect me and just keep on keepin on but I can't help but wonder what I should be saying or doing in these circumstances.

[TrentC]

Do I sit him down and talk to him about it?

Has anything happened in the past few months to give you the idea that talking to him about what is going on would work? Every time you do, he either says something that upsets, you get angry and lash out at him, or both.

I'm just really puzzled as to what to do because he isn't leaving, he isn't talking about leaving (seriously). I think he jokes about it because he is a control freak and likes me under his power. But I'm lost as to how to react. What's right and what's wrong.

I've been telling you for weeks: leave him alone. Give him space to deal with what he's going through. If you need to work on something, start with yourself. You keep looking for the "right" thing to say or do to make things better or make him happy, and that's not how life works.

I'm trying not to let it affect me and just keep on keepin on but I can't help but wonder what I should be saying or doing in these circumstances.

Go find another copy of The Divorce Remedy. SAY NOTHING. If he's seriously considering leaving you, then all you are doing right now by piling guilt and pressure on him is solidifying his resolve to leave.

[Lll54]

Ok. I'll say nothing.

We are both home tonight for the first time in a while so I'm pretty nervous.

[TrentC]

Why are you nervous?

[Lll54]

Nervous about his mood. This morning he was sweet and affectionate and nice. I'm just nervous to hang out with my own husband. Since this last week of terrible interaction we haven't been around each other much due to busy-ness in oir lives so it makes me nervous to spend the night with him.

And especially after the remarks he keeps cracking. I just don't know what to respond.