I think I can stop this.... can you help me?

[Fitz]

Lesson learned from last night I guess. It was foolish of me to think that she might be coming around so quickly. Today she is back to being distant and disinterested.

She has asked me a few times if I am going out tonight, and made comments like"wow you've gone out every Saturday for the past month huh?". Not sure what she is insinuating.

But other than that I'm not getting any attention. Back to practicing my DBing. Today could be a long day.

I have a question for others out there. Is it possible that she wants me to chase her, she wants me to talk to her? I'm not going to, but in the past that is what I always did and what she always expected. But sometimes I wonder if by not doing that am I making things worse? Sometimes I think that my "new" reactions to the situation are causing her reactions. Like maybe that is the reason she is being so distant, because I'm not making myself available to her as I have in the past. Just kinda confused right now...

[2thepoint]

I have a question for others out there. Is it possible that she wants me to chase her, she wants me to talk to her? I'm not going to, but in the past that is what I always did and what she always expected. But sometimes I wonder if by not doing that am I making things worse? Sometimes I think that my "new" reactions to the situation are causing her reactions. Like maybe that is the reason she is being so distant, because I'm not making myself available to her as I have in the past. Just kinda confused right now...

This is possible but then you'd be pursuing and she may push back and then how would you feel about that? See, it is kind of like a cat and mouse game right now. She sees you maybe drifting away some and wants to make sure you are still hanging around, so she tosses you a few crumbs to see if you'll bite.

I'd recommend you stick to what you are doing. You seem to be saying and doing all the right things, setting firm boundaries, validating, etc. So time will tell. Also, if you hope to make it work, continue setting those boundaries, but be careful not to shut any doors. What I mean by that is to avoid statements like "one more try". These things have a tendency of solidifying things in peoples minds and if you really hope to reconcile, you need to avoid that sort of thing.

Some of her statements sound like she is perhaps having second thoughts. Keep on your path. Stick to your boundaries and stay in the home. And see where things lead.

[adinva]

I think one thing you can be sure of is that what you did in the past has not worked.

[Fitz]

Thank you both for your input I appreciate it.

She had IC today, I didn't really ask how it went.

She did bring up our relationship again, she said she'd prefer to separate but isn't closing the door on trying again. Just said she wasn't ready to make a decision. She did come over and give me a hug also, and when I left the house to go grocery shopping she asked me if that was really where I was going, and if I was sure that I wasn't going to meet some girl. I just responded I'm a married man. It was one of those awkward days though, where we both tried our best to stay away from one another

One thing that I may have failed to mention was that when our problems originally began, she had said that she had her mind made up an separation was the only way that this marriage has a chance. I had told her at that time, before I was DBing, GAL, etc, that I would not separate and I would rather divorce and move on with my life if it came to that. I'm not sure I didn't blow this at the beginning by saying that. Since that time when she has mentioned separating I have just told her that is not what I want, I have not said that I'd rather divorce.

[2thepoint]

Fritz - I don't think it is uncommon for an emotional trauma like the death of a parent to trigger other crisis like that you are experiencing with your marriage. If your wife and her mother were close and now that person is gone, she may feel abandoned and doesn't trust that you can fill that void. She may also be feeling her own sense of mortality and need to go and LIVE LIFE!

You made comments previously about your lack of trust, by questioning where she is going and who she is talking to. Why is this a problem? Did something happen in the past to lead you to distrust her? The fact that she is doing the same to you, is that new or was the distrust mutual?

Marriage problems usually don't just crop up. There is usually an underlying cause and both parties are usually at fault. I've seen a lot of your comments about what you wife is doing, what she is saying, how she is behaving, etc. That is all good to know as it provides context. But I don't think you've shared much about the marital dynamics at play prior to the bomb. Or your role in getting to that point.

That is not to say that you have to necessarily tell us. But, it is an area that you need to explore within yourself. Because, if you want to right this ship, you have to understand where and how things went wrong. And, you have to make permanent adjustments to your own behavior if you have a hope of repairing your marriage.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, you seem to be doing and saying all the right things but I have to wonder if there isn't a part of you that wants out. I say this only because you seemed very quick to call it a day early after bomb day. Maybe I am misreading but that is how it comes across to me.

Anyway, these are all things you need to explore within yourself. Continue to DB, seek guidance from others, do your 180's but most importantly, work on yourself.

[Fitz]

2thepoint, thanks again for your reply, a lot of the stuff that you wrote really hits the nail on the head.

My wife and her mom were very close. It was a tough situation, her mom was only 53 and passed away about 5 weeks after her diagnosis. I was young when I lost my mom too, so I kinda knew how this was really going to affect my wife, the pain an grief that she was going to go through. Not that I knew exactly but I could understand. At that time I did the best that I could do as her husband and best friend. I was her shoulder to cry on. I listened. I talked to her. She would tell me what a great husband I was being and how much she appreciated how supportive and helpful I was while she was going through this. It broke my heart to see her so sad. I would do things at the time, like buy her flowers, plan a night away, spontaneous gifts etc, that at the time I thought would cheer her up. But I realized that regardless of how hard I tried that there was nothing I could do to help her get over the grief. All I could really do was be there for her when she needed me. It has been hard for her.

The distrust has always been there. Baggage from past relationships. There has never been any cheating.

The incident that caused our marital problems happened back in April. I spent the weekend with some old college friends who were in town. We had a great time. When we get together we have fun, and sometimes act like immature college guys, reliving our glory days. We play pranks on each other, and one of my friends thought that it would be funny to give my phone number to an escort service. At the time it was nothing more than a funny joke between friends. Nothing happened. But it was not so funny when my wife went looking through my cell phone bill and googled the phone number. I explained to her what happened. She didn't believe me. I did everything that she asked me to do to prove that I was telling her the truth. I called my friend with her listening in on the other end so she could hear him tell the story. I changed my cell phone number per her request. I let her put a GPS on my cell phone so that she knew exactly where I was at all times. But everything I did wasn't enough. I don't know what else I can do to right that situation?

We have had several big arguments since then, and every time that incident comes up. So I can confidently say that is how I contributed to this mess. The way that the arguments always go, she tells me she wants a divorce, and I pursue and tell her I love her until everything is ok again.

As far as me not being sure that I still want to be in the marriage, that is not the case. I just want all of the problems to stop. I'm trying a different approach here.

It's frustrating. I feel like I can't get through to her anymore.

[2thepoint]

The distrust has always been there. Baggage from past relationships.

Seems odd that distrust has "always been there." It's not an ideal way to begin a marriage. Although it sounds like you have done what you needed to do to try to remedy the situation, clearly the college prank may have severely damaged your already fragile marriage.

I apologize if I sound judgmental. That is really not my intent. However, if things don't work out, (and they may not) there is a significant learning opportunity here. Do you know what it is?

It's frustrating. I feel like I can't get through to her anymore.

OK, then stop trying to get through to her. It is fruitless at this point, so stop it. I think you mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has said you are controlling. Do you see how "getting through to her" is controlling by its very nature? Think about other areas in your day to day interactions that can also be viewed as controlling. Those are the 180's that really need your attention.

My wife had also said I was controlling. At first I couldn't see it. But after a lot of reflection I realized that even helping her make decisions without her asking was a form of control. She viewed it as me believing she was incapable of making her own decisions. And she resented it, deeply.

Fitz, the best thing you can do is work on you at this point. Dig deep, where you are most vulnerable, make that your focus. Stop trying to get through to your wife. She'll come around if and when she is ready and only on her terms, not yours.

I know the situation really stinks but it is your reality so you need to deal with it. I hope this makes sense.

Hang in there!

[Fitz]

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. There are several lessons learned throughout the course of the marriage and with the mistakes that I have made. From the trust, to the lack of communication. I could go on.

I know that I am not getting through to her and I am trying my hardest to stop trying to. I came see that it is not getting me anywhere and that she will come around when/if she is ready. I'm just trying to work on my patience, and tryin to focus on myself for now

[Fitz]

I had a good day today as far as trying to get the DBing back on track. I had a family party this morning, it had been planned for about 2 months so W was originally invited. I hadn't mentioned anything about it to her, not sure if she wanted to go or not. She ended up coming. It was about a 45 minute ride, we didn't talk much, I didn't initiate much conversation with her but was polite if she did.

At the party with my family things were good. At one point W asked me if they all know what is going on with us. I asked her why, does she feel like anyone is treating her any different? She said no but she just wanted to know. I told her that I talk to my sister sometimes, just to have someone to talk to. W said yes, she remembered that my sister had asked me if I could ever fall back in love with W and I had told her no. I asked her where she got that from, I had never said that. I just said that my sister is very non-judgemental, and she understands that relationships are tough and people have hard times every now and then. With that W gave me a hug.

When we arrived home we cleaned the house and just kind of hung around.

I felt more comfortable today not bringing up our marriage. I felt comfortable not asking her who called or texted her when her phone rang. I remembered what was written above, that what I have done in the past hasn't worked, so just stop.

I think that I am getting through the denial phase of thinking that this can't really be happening and will just go away. I was reading some other threads today and the one thing that I had seen people writing over and over again was to never underestimate the seriousness of a WAS. I get that now, and I won't.

[2thepoint]

I was reading some other threads today and the one thing that I had seen people writing over and over again was to never underestimate the seriousness of a WAS.

Right! Because, although the bomb seemed to come from out of left field and totally unexpected, the WAS has been plotting their escape for a very long time. And when they finally muster the courage to drop the bomb, in their mind, there is no turning back.

Good that you recognize this.