I think I can stop this.... can you help me?

[JuneReN]

Sorry Fitz...autocorrect on your name lmao!!

I like the list of things you are doing.

Try not to get drawn into the conversations too much. They can change their minds at warp speed right now. My H constantly speaks of our future together and my life on my own all in one breath. I actually told him to stop making plans that involved us.

Decide what you want to do. If you say you need time as well, then time it is. The time and space we allot for the WAS is for the LBS as well. One day,you will find you are breathing again.

[Fitz]

Last night W told me she has been thinking a lot about what I said and she thinks I might be right. Here we go again! I just tried to remind myself that more than likely she's back on her roller coaster. She wanted to talk when she got home she said, but when she actually came home we didn't talk. I made myself available in case she wanted to say anything to me but she didn't.

This morning I was leaving for work and she was mad as a hornet. I had decided that I was going to start driving my car again (usually I drove her old car and she drove my newer car). She was yelling at me wanting to know why all of a sudden I want to take that car, and saying she has a bunch of stuff in there etc and she wishes I'd stop switching cars. I just said is it really that big of a deal? If you need to get anything out of the car you can go ahead.

I had a holiday party at my work this evening so I was an hour or so late getting home. I didn't hear from W all day. But then she texted me and wrote "tell your lawyer... Ooops I mean your coworkers that I said hi.

So she seems a little paranoid that I am out meeting divorce lawyers. Man, I feel kinda bad for her she definitely is going through something in her head here big time. I don't really get it but I'm just going to keep trying to work on myself and let her do it say what she wants.

[Fitz]

Lat night was a rought one. Probably the worst night we have had since this started.

W and I started talking about money. The conversation led to her telling me that I should be the one to move out. Then it went on with her telling me that we will have 50/50 custody of our son.

I tried to keep my cool and kept telling her to stop making decisions for me about anything, that I can worry about myself.

She told me once again that she was done with this marriage, that every other aspect of her life makes her happy, and it is the marriage that makes her so miserable. I snapped a little, told her where the door was and that she could leave any time she wanted to. I told her that I was done also and wasn't going to play this game with her anymore and let her leave my life in limbo while she tries to figure this out.

I don't know if I see this getting better at this point. Could last night have been the final straw for her? SHe really let me have it. Or should this be expected as part of the process?

I said a lot of things in the heat of the moment that I'm not so sure that I ahould have

[Fitz]

I didn't hear from W all day today, didn't really expect to.

She came home from work at around 9, said to me very angrily "how was our sons teacher conference that you scheduled when you knew I couldn't go"?

She is just plain angry. Looking for things to be upset about. After she said that she walked away and went to bed, I didn't try to say anything to her I just left her alone.

[2thepoint]

Fitz I would not worry about your W's outbursts. I know it is hard to ignore but you have to disengage emotionally from her right now. She is confused and looking for justification for her decision to ditch you and the marriage. Don't give it to her. Stick to your guns on not moving out. Keep your cool but set boundaries. Tell her something like, "I'm happy to talk to you about whatever, but if you are going to scream and be ugly, then the conversation will end.". And hold to that!

You really do need to keep your cool. She is provoking you because she needs to be certain that you are the cause of all her unhappiness. Don't fall for it. Show her a happy and content Fitz as much as possible. Oh, and if you haven't yet consulted a lawyer, do so soon.

[Fitz]

Thanks for the advice. I took a few days to kind of cool off and regroup. Since Friday W has really started warming up to me, but for some reason I am just not buying into it.

On Friday night I was making dinner and she asked if I was making it for both of us. I told her sure, help yourself. She made a comment along the lines of "I know you hate me", to which I didnt respond. Later on that night I was in the basement doing some stuff and she came down several times to check on me and see what I was doing.

On Saturday she came with me to my family Xmas party. On the way to the party she was talking alot about the future... together. SHe was asking what I want for Xmas, she was asking me if I was talking to other women, she was hugging me, asking what my plans for tomorrow were and if I wanted to spend the day decorating the house and then make a nice dinner together. She ended the night by telling me that she really misses me.

Then on Sunday it was more of the same. Her hugging, telling me she misses me, asking if I will sleep in the bed with her etc.

These past few days have been really good, but for me they do not erase the nightmare of the past month. I am almost expecting things to get bad again and for her rollercoaster to continue.

I will continue with the DBing and GAL and following the 37 rules, I am feeling better and seeing progress. My question to others is how do you know when her actions are no longer part of the rollercoaster and when it is time to try again? I do not want to miss the opportunity if it is presenting itself, but at the same time I am hesitant to believe it?

[AnotherStander]

I am almost expecting things to get bad again and for her rollercoaster to continue.

Well you're certainly seeing some good signs from her, but you are right to be cautious.

I will continue with the DBing and GAL and following the 37 rules, I am feeling better and seeing progress. My question to others is how do you know when her actions are no longer part of the rollercoaster and when it is time to try again?

When she says she is committed to working on the M. If/ when she says that, then tell her what your boundaries are for reconciling. One should be that she is to break off all contact with any OM. I don't know if there is an OM or not, I see you mentioned in your first post that there was an old BF she was in contact with, if she's still in contact it has got to stop even if she says they're just friends. Another boundary might be that she needs to agree to MC, it sounds like you didn't have much luck in MC before but that could be because A) you had a poor C and/ or B) your W wasn't committed to it. There are some tips in DR in how to find a good solutions-based MC. Also see if Retrouvaille is available in your area, it is a fantastic program that will give you excellent communication tools. MrBond usually suggests that the LBS encourage the WAS to set up MC or RetroV and I think that's a good idea because it shows if they're really committed or not.

I do not want to miss the opportunity if it is presenting itself, but at the same time I am hesitant to believe it?

I'm skeptical too, it seems far too soon for your W to come out of the fog. But perhaps she's not a full-blown WAS but was just angry over her belief that you were having an A (even though you weren't) and was lashing out over it. Regardless, don't try to "go back to normal". Clearly the M wasn't working, so when she's willing to try, you've got to change the dynamics and build a NEW relationship with her.

[Fitz]

I don't think that there is any OM in the picture. I think that what she did in the past was more for revenge for what she thought that I had done.

I believe she is a full-blown WAS. But I also think that she suffers from depression as well and takes all of her problems out on me since I am closest to her.

Prior to BD on 11/14 (W wants D), there were several grenades thrown my way over the course of the previous 6 months (her threatening D), which were always diffused after a few days. what happened on 11/14 with BD was when I opened my eyes that things needed to change.

Her actions are still showing that she is having a change of heart. I came home last night from work and she greeted me with a big hug and told me that she is glad I am home and she missed me. But still nothing has been said concerning us separating (she went from wanting D to S).

Her actions are now showing me one thing, but I have admitted that I have snooped through her emails (which I stopped doing) and saw that she was emailing looking for an apartment. She also told me the other day that she has consulted with a lawyer to see what her rights were, and she told me that the question that she had for the lawyer was if she leaves the house would that be considered her abandoning her child.

For the past few days I have been receptive to her change in attitude without going overboard. I hug her back when she hugs me, I have been conversating with her when she talks to me, but I have not been initiating anything and have not been showering her with the I love yous and I miss yous that she has. I am very skeptical here as to what she is thinking/feeling and if she has some type of motive behind all of this

[AnotherStander]

Her actions are still showing that she is having a change of heart. I came home last night from work and she greeted me with a big hug and told me that she is glad I am home and she missed me. But still nothing has been said concerning us separating (she went from wanting D to S).

I read back through your posts and I don't think she's having a change of heart at all. It reminds me a lot of my sitch just before W left.

Her actions are now showing me one thing, but I have admitted that I have snooped through her emails (which I stopped doing) and saw that she was emailing looking for an apartment.

My W did something similar- once she started looking for her own place she really cranked up the charm. By all appearances it seemed like we were doing better together than we had in months. But on the few times I asked her about her search she made it clear it was still full steam ahead with S.

She also told me the other day that she has consulted with a lawyer to see what her rights were, and she told me that the question that she had for the lawyer was if she leaves the house would that be considered her abandoning her child.

My W did the exact same thing before leaving for the same reason.

I am very skeptical here as to what she is thinking/feeling and if she has some type of motive behind all of this

There's probably no motive, if she's like my W she probably just sees the "light and the end of the tunnel" (solidifying her plans to leave) and feels like the pressure is being lifted since she'll be out soon.

[Fitz]

Thanks for the feedback A.S. Your answers above describe exactly how I have been feeling, I was just having trouble putting it into words.

I do not want to put any pressure on her that is the reason that I will not bring the M up and will instead just wait to see if she says anything.

I just don't understand why all of the sudden affection if she still plans on leaving. I understand keeping the peace and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but the things she is saying and all the affection are going overboard on her end if this is her plan.

Another thing that I havent mentioned is that my W has no one to talk to. She does not have many close friends and her family is emotionally cold. She goes to IC once a week, and they just increased her depression meds the other day. I feel like I am her only real friend