Barrybran I - I cheated; Wife wants to separate

[swoop]

Personally, I would NOT change your living situation during the Holidays. The kids will be damaged PLENTY by all of this, regardless of the outcome of your marriage. At least put aside this portion of your process and place the kids in the role of "most important". Suck it up, buttercup! Put on your happy face, and don't put those kids in any more stress! It will be psychologically damaging to them, possibly more so than it is to the adults in your sitch.

Keep your position of DBing in order! Read Sandi's rules, and live them. I wish I would have started realizing that sooner, in my own stich. Detach, do not pursue, do not fight, be your best, etc. YOU will be the only one that will be fighting for your marriage. W is already in the other camp. It is YOUR actions and growth that will work to bring her back. Focus on yourself and your short comings, and please place those kids on a pedestal.

[lovethehub]

I agree with Cadet. It is only a couple of weeks away and his horrible timing for the children to learn their parents are separating.

Every situation is different but I will share mine..

I was the cheater in my M after years of what sounds like your experience. It wasn't the answer but seemed like it at the time. I also did exactly what you are doing now...justified my behavior by what my H had done during those years. I don't mean that your wife shouldn't have treated you better, that you shouldn't have made it to the point where it felt like the only answer - unfortunately that happens to a lot of people because the pain and loneliness are real and we don't have better R skills.

What I mean is, if you say "I know I shouldn't have done it but she.....", you really aren't accepting responsibility for your role. It wasn't until I really took the time to look at my own actions and was able to sincerely apologize to my H, without ANY justification whatsoever, that things began to move forward. That apology consisted of true insights into how I had made him feel, the hurt I had caused, etc. Even after that, it still took several months before we truly began to reconcile.

Also, I am not sure if I am reading your post correctly but it sounds like this is the second time you cheated on her. Is that correct? Prior to your M and recently? If so, that changes everything and will be incredibly difficult (but not impossible) to earn back her trust and desire to rebuild your M.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for all of your words. I am definitely putting the kids first. They don't know what is happening between my wife and I but they know mum hasn't been around as much (still living together but she is living her own life).

The first time we broke up I have no idea why. There was no infidelity; my wife just wanted her own space. I was very needy then so I think after all the letdowns in her life she had become very independent and she wasn't used to having someone throw themselves at her.

The cheating occurred on/off over a six month period through a series of conversations with several women onlin and a picture exchange with an old female friend. We spoke about it once (after my wife called me out) and it never came up again as I got a six month contract for a job on the other side of the country (hindsight is a b*tch...) and we went about our own lives keeping up with each other through Facebook/text/Skype. It didn't come up either of the two times we saw each other face to face in that period so I naively thought everything was fine until a month ago.

[Barrybran]

My wife borrowed my computer tonight to look for Christmas lights and I knew full well she could have seen my history, including my threads and the threads I've read here. I acted 'as if' and I have nothing to hide but when I got my computer back my cookies had been removed. I have decided to 'let go' of any thoughts about what she could have been doing but I have read that it's better to keep DB to yourself.

I was wondering if I should change my password here (pretty easy for her to guess) or continue acting 'as if' and wait until she brings something up about this site?

[Cadet]

YUP!

[Barrybran]

I got a nice surprise this morning. I think my wife checked back into this site after my post last night because she left for work early and texted me she knew about this site and she was just checking up on me last night. She also mentioned that she still doesn't trust me but I know this will be a long road. I told her I understood why she still doesn't trust me and thanked her for her understanding that this site is an outlet for me and she said she wouldn't check up on this site again for that very reason.

Probably backwards logic but I'm glad she checked up on what I've been doing.

[MrBond]

You shouldn't be.

Change your info if you can.

[Barrybran]

I meant that I'm glad she's been checking what I've been doing on my computer in general, not just this site. I would rather have this site to myself but my indiscretions occurred on my computer so I feel that she needs to see what I've been up to on my computer/email/Facebook. I don't want to give her reasons to have less trust in me.

[MrBond]

You're looking at it the wrong way. Instead of her checking to see if you're "cheating" on her online, she should have instead talked to you about what concerns you have about the M.

Right now it sounds like she's been able to get whatever she wanted without actually listening to your needs. Rather than seeing who you're talking to online, she should be trying to find out WHAT you are talking about online.

[Barrybran]

Oh ok. I thought the premise of her being "done" meant that she wouldn't care/talk about my feelings/actions for some time. Thanks for giving me something to think about.