ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

Job,

I was wondering about what you said about the H's that push their stay at home wives to go get a job. Do any of them reconcile?

[tigerlily78]

Ooo. I am curious about this too. Although mine has since backpedaled on the request and now says, "You don't have to get a job if you don't want to." (So, he is going to ride off into the sunset with OW and continue indefinitely to cover all my basic living expenses? Something about that plan just doesn't seem right)

[reachingHigher]

I was wondering .... about the H's that push their stay at home wives to go get a job. Do any of them reconcile?

Mine did

[job]

Ambivalent,
Of course some of those stay at home moms/wives and their MLCing spouses reconcile. You have to remember MLC is not about you and what you are doing, but about him and what he needs to get through his crisis. You could be a knockout model and very wealthy and he would still be out there having a crisis. You could be Betty Crocker and June Cleaver all rolled up into one and he would still have a crisis. If he didn't have the crisis while married to you, he would have had it while being involved w/someone else. He could also have been a monk and still had a crisis. The crisis is all about him and issues that need to be resolved from his past. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

As for stay at home moms and wives, we have had some reconcile. In fact, you've been posting to one that has remained here while reconciling and she's done an excellent job of sharing her journey and that is reaching higher.

[Ambivalent]

The reason I asked is because finances and the pressure of being in the negative, is a HUGE stressor.

But then I ask myself, then why spend what he did on the clothes, and spend the money on the foldable tail trailer?

I know he can expense dinners and lunches due to his job. So why the pressure?

I know this sounds odd, but at times I feel as if he is doing this to force me to act. To force a change.

I was already going to school , it was about working towards a career that could actually help contribute to easing our situation.

When he didn't have one this Summer he wasn't pressuring me about it. So this pressure now, when he has a better paying job confuses me.

I'm just trying to understand.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm going to tell you exactly what I see going on here and I'm not going to sugar coat what I'm thinking and it's probably going to upset you so, please keep in mind, I've been around a very long time and have seen quite a few things in my day on this forum and others that I am a member of. Okay?

1. He moved out and moved approximately 2 hours away.
2. Most of his communications are by text. Correct?
3. Comes over w/a hunting buddy and you discover receipts and Viagra in his vehicle.
4. He continues to complain about expenses and speaks of you getting a job.
5. Advises you to get a checking account in your name (only).
6. Continues to complain about expenses and your lack of employment.

What I am seeing here is a man who is calmly cutting the ties w/you one step at a time. He is trying to gently get you to a place where he can just walk away and not feel quite as guilty about it. I have to give him credit, he's being very sly w/his actions and quite frankly, I hope that I am wrong, but I don't think so.

The pressure is on to get you situated w/employment so that he doesn't have to fork over his money to pay your living expenses. That's why there is so much pressure on right now. It's not about what he's spending on himself, but on what he's spending on you and the family. He's entering the very selfish mode and doesn't want to share his money w/you and the sooner you get a permanent job and making money, the sooner he will start advising you to pay certain bills, etc.

Ambivalent, I know you don't want to believe what I'm saying, but you need to get your head out of the sand and start thinking about how to protect yourself financially. It's time to think about seeking out some legal advice on your situation. I've sat here and read each and every posting that you have made and I see the pattern and yes, my thoughts on where he's at in his crisis are right on the target...he's still in the early stages of replay and I can tell you, it's going to get worse before it gets better. You need to listen to what I'm telling you...need to see a lawyer or go on the internet and see what the state laws are for separation/divorce are and learn about your benefits. You do realize because he's established his living arrangements in Maryland he could fiel for divorce in my state?

Ambivalent, it's time to start educating your self on separation/divorce laws. Even if it doesn't come to this, you still need to know what your rights are. I'm sorry if I have upset you, but honestly, it's time to start focusing on your financial situation and what could happen if he goes into full blown replay and you are left w/little or no funds each month.

[AJM]

Ambiv, re-read that post that Job posted. That is a very succinct and illustrative way to put it. But in the end, the "stressor" happened long ago. Stress is self-induced (if you think about it).

Re-read Job's posting. If it was about you, then changing who you are would have brought him back, right? It's not though and somewhere in there you know that....


AJ

[Whiterose]

Hi Ambiv

We're here with you. Read job's message slowly, she cares for you and wants to see you protected.

It's not about us, hard for us to grasp because they make it about us, but it's them.
Sending you big hugs

[Ambivalent]

1. He moved out and moved approximately 2 hours away.

He originally moved in with a friend in a room. The first five months. He was offered this place for free, and it is not as " frat house " as where he first stayed. It is quiet.

Most of his communications are by text. Correct?

No, he calls from the car, texts, and e-mails

Comes over w/a hunting buddy and you discover receipts and Viagra in his vehicle.

Yes! I snooped. He is a pig pen, throws things and doesn't clean up. It made it easy, this is same old behavior. I dug to find the V. No I'm not proud, but needed answers after the receipt.

Advises you to get a checking account in your name (only).

This is nothing really new, it was something we did with the girls and allows for budgeting. We never had a budget and I agreed to be on board with one.

Continues to complain about expenses and your lack of employment.

This has been an issue since Spring of '12. That is why I researched what I wanted to be/do. I was concerned about our future as he.

The pressure is on to get you situated w/employment so that he doesn't have to fork over his money to pay your living expenses. That's why there is so much pressure on right now. It's not about what he's spending on himself, but on what he's spending on you and the family. He's entering the very selfish mode and doesn't want to share his money w/you and the sooner you get a permanent job and making money, the sooner he will start advising you to pay certain bills, etc.

This is spot on, and he has been very upfront on this.

This is what I have wanted to be able to do. I have concurred that I wanted to contribute financially and towards our future. It isn't new, it is following through

This past August I had a plan. I would take in kids for daycare. I had figured out how much I could charge, how many would be the max. It would have brought in a good amount per month. I could still go to school and contribute. He still discouraged my idea. I even mentioned getting a boarder or two.

He thought that I should stick to the venue for which I was schooling. I thought that it was better that I brought more money in than what a receptionist would draw, and I would have more flexibility and no gas or wardrobe costs!

He wanted to dump the house, yet he knows that I want to keep it. I want to keep it because it is under and to get rid of it at a loss creates more challenges.

Both of our credit is shot. I can not find a place with the dogs, and our credit.

Now I am concerned, that is what I meant about the creepy feeling I've had. If he were as sly as you suppose, I do not believe he would let me know his salary, base and commission.

His work paperwork comes to our home. I open the mail, and he doesn't object. I see what his pay is, what the 401K is, the investments, the insurance, life and health. I have tax records.

He is open about finances, and come Jan, after commission is evaluating the move back to VA.

He doesn't want to stay in MD.

We have also discussed how much I would get in A, 80,000. before taxes. We have a list of the expenses of the house, the bills, and living expenses. We did this at BD

All of this has been open and discussed. I am a child of divorce and paid close attention. I remember my father wanting my mother to find a man and get married, so he wouldn't have to pay alimony. My H. has not suggested I date or move on. He still insists he is not "dating". What he is doing is "meeting" people. OKaaaaay. I'm not naïve , yet I'm not saying he is in a relationship either.

The money pressures are VERY real. He has been juggling bills for 3 years now.

I'm not burying my head, I believe he is trying to gain control of the bills and his life. We discussed his desire to be about him, and not all about me and the girls. He felt he has put us first all the time. When it came to money, and those decisions, he perceived us as being first.

He does want to position himself better. What I can make in income, will not affect the outcome of alimony. It would still be the same, for the amount I make in the beginning would be pittance compared to his salary.

I have seen what my rights are, and know what to expect as for financial compensation. I know our years in marriage allow me to collect certain "things". He has also technically abandoned the marriage and marital home. If I were him, I would not have left the home, for this very reason. He does do things for me, and has always been giving and generous. I do know there is love there, and he does not deny it.

I will go see some attorney's and I will consider very seriously what you have written. It has always been in the back of my mind. Probably because MY father was very devious, I have a cynical view. It is hard separating my father's behaviors and perception from what I'm going through.

I do believe my H. is not evil nor malicious. I believe he is living under one Helluva lot of stress. He could blame me and spew, but has not. He does see that decisions HE made has contributed and even caused much of what is occurring.

Thanks so much Job, I know it wasn't easy to write what you did. I do hear you, and I will educate myself even more.

[Ambivalent]

I do get it's not about me. He has said this from the very beginning. I also know my changes will not "bring" him home. The ones I've mad ARE for me.

I am just a VERY curious person, and want to know as much as I can. Yes the good with the bad.

And I do see the pattern of getting myself up and working. He is a manager and he knows how to motivate, manipulate, and structure.

I am aware of what could be, and what may be, and also mind reading. I do have to tread carefully.

For to be frank, if I get a separation agreement,I would be getting approx. x amount of dollars. I would have to pay all the bills here, and it would be way more than what I'm currently living on. So it truly benefits him currently, that it stay the way it is. On the other hand, he can write off alimony on his taxes. He still owes back taxes and is under either way.

My getting a job, will not have an effect on my alimony. It won't be enough to really change that area. However , he would like to see me at least bring in a grand a month. Twelve a year, doesn't help him in the legal area, but it does in our bills area...

Anyhoo, either way, I'm going to seek counsel and educate myself.