I originally posted in the other duplicate thread....reposting here!
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. The first time she said she was unhappy was about 9 years ago....we worked on things...got better. About 3.5 years ago she had an EA with an ex boyfriend.....more counseling.....got better.
Now she has had bariatric surgery, lost 100 pounds, and finally finished school and got a job as a teacher. So a lot of change for her this last year. Now, she feels 'like she is mentally disconnected from the marriage', that in her mind it is over.
We have been discussing difficulties for the past two months, celibate, and the above statement was from last night. So when i asked her 'what are we going to do now', she stated she was 'OK with the living arrangement'. I have read divorce busting in full and I paid for the download of Michele's couples class from the 90's (based on the way she is dressed smile ). Asking my wife if it was time to watch another segment of the video is when she claimed 'i feel disconnected from the marriage'...eg, why bother.
So it has been amicable so far, no pleading, no rationalizing why we should stay together. Again, after last night's discussion i stated 'well, i am going to continue to work on myself and even if things dont work out, i will still be a better person at the end'. I did admit that i have been in a rut the past few years and i can see that her changing and my not, could be a source of friction.
So now what? Financially there is going to be no one moving out anytime soon. But I am married, not interested in having a room mate whom i also have children with! How to detach without being a prick when we live in the same house?
Frustration abounds! So Burning Heart you are not alone.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
She's tried calling the last five days. I haven't answered but then it's a text. Two were about my grandmother. The second one about her was more heartfelt.
And she wanted to know a good time to call because we need to talk. She asked that everyday. When I called back no answer. Kinda just wanted to get it over with. I told her I'd let her know. I've left it alone. I know if I don't let her know she will try to call again. It's confusing. Thats why I wanted NC.
When do you plan to finish reading it? Or are you just putting it off?
"If there is OM and it's a confession and to tell me it's over then well..."
A confession for what? You said that you weren't the greatest H and so there was another guy who picked up the slack. Sounds like you're condemning her for something that you helped cause.
"I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.
I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. She feels lonely and extremely hurt."
If she was so lonely and hurt, it's understandable why she's with another guy who values her.
What have YOU done to change your behaviors?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When I do NC or 180 it seems to make a difference. For both. I fall back when she contacts me. Today has been no contact at all. It hurts me.
I have read some today and will continue to.
I work fulltime and have to go home to our house, our life, our pets, our plans, our everything, what was our future.....
Pets are depressed too. It's really hard to do.
I did plenty to push her away. But did plenty of other duties. When things were great they were great. The past few months have been the worst. Stress I carry. Child talk and deciding to. Family and friend issues for both of us. It wasn't all relationship hurdles. We have a long history.
Went out, had a few beers with a friend. Distracted somewhat. We did talk about problems with myself, and his, and what we need to do to make our lives better, how we are going to change. A lot of things we talked about we in general ways but could be applied to a marriage-that's what he's doing and him personal. So my eyes are opening more. I did feel a bit more relaxed. I have taken small steps but really trying to be consistant and make changes be lifelong.
This morning I feel ok. But she should be here. It snowed again and we should be running through it, having coffee, and cuddling up with a movie like we always did.
Been having dreams about her and us. Is that normal?
