Your missing the point, she doesn't WANT to work/talk/save the marriage, she's done.
DR isn't about saving your marriage, its about saving yourself, if it saves the marriage, that's just a bonus. Its about giving you the tools to understand why you got there in the first place.
The problem is, in her mind she spent quite a bit of time giving you hints or telling you your marriage was in trouble, you didn't respond.
Now that you are putting in the work, your upset she doesn't see the effort. See the paradox? Your now angry at lack of effort, but fail to realize she went thru that stage already and is passed all of those steps. Everything you think your doing is just an attempt to get her back. she knows that, she knows you better than you think she does.
Why would she want to go back to the same old habits, cause you say your changing? you haven't been at it long enough to change for real, but I understand this feels real to you now. I'm not saying your not making changes, but right now we tend to change cause we think we're in a dire situation, and this is going to fix things, we understand we're losing our spouse.
Give it all more time, your trying too hard to make it happen now. This isn't going to happen on YOUR timeline.
I thought DR was about saving marriages because it says that on the cover of the book.
I am reading it and other things to help myself. It isn't just to get her back. If she does come back I know that I'll have to keep up on things and the changes I have done and am committed to. No doubt. These are lifelong changes regardless.
I haven't told her anything about it, or made promises, begged, tried to reason or use logic. She wanted time and space I gave it to her. I've respected her decisions and she knows where I stand.
The text this morning was initiated by her. I've been keeping with no contact. I was wondering why she initiated and what's going on with her. I can't ask. May never know.
It's all on her time. I'm confused because one day it's, "i don't think I can do this. I may want a divorce." Weeks later, "I'm not sure we can stay married."
Well, I replied back and I know I shouldn't have. She just wanted to know how I was and how everything was going here. I told her me and everything is great. She replied, after some minutes, that's awesome and she's glad I'm doing good. I said you too and that ended our texting.
Mutual friends (married couple) called a few times yesterday morning seeing how I was doing. I was out and have been sick so I haven't talked to them in four days. I thought part of W texting was because they haven't heard from me. Our mutual friends showed up not long after. My W and the W of this couple are good friends. I know they still talk but that's all I know. And that she is upset with my W about our situation and her decisions (leaving, affair). After I deactivated my fb account this friend made a comment about being one of my fb stalkers, Wth. I let it go but she wanted to know why I deleted my account. Anyway...
It seems like a guilt issue to me, anything to keep me hanging on too in a way. Idk. It's making me sick and exhausted.
I can't expose the affair. This guy doesn't use his real name on fb, Twitter, or anything. He has a daughter and he's 10 years older than my W. I don't know if he has SO. A friend told me this info and I asked him not to. It doesn't do me any good.
While being in bed sick I've made some decisions and come to some conclusions. W is going to continue avoiding me and everything that has to do with me, our pets, and belongings here. She will send her mom and the family friend to get her stuff and car. They are coming out here after Christmas. I suspect this will happen then. If so, and this is the path and action W is taking, I will then sort and box everything else and put it in storage.
I was trying not to add this info but it is relevant and I should've. I work for her parents. Our house and job are through a company they own. After last call with W she said I can stay here and I still have my job. That's great and I'm thankful to my in laws for that. But I think that's a guilt thing with my W. Plus it keeps me here if and when things fall through with the affair. So my plan there is to stay till there is action on the divorce paperwork. If she goes through with it I think I need to quit and move. As much as I love my job and in laws I'll have to.
I'm close to my in laws but it will be hard on me emotionally and mentally if I stay here. I have no other job prospects and nowhere to go but I think it is what I'll have to do. The issue here is that I will have to let them know ahead of time. They have been really good to us and helped is so much. This job was for us to save money and have a nest egg. So I have to let them know something before the papers are filed. They will be sad but understanding.
Well, she text today asking me to mail a folder with her birth certificate and other paperwork to her. She needs it to retest for her driver's license there in her home state. I suspect too so she can file for divorce.
I've researched that she has to prove residency for 90 days -but I also found 6 months so idk. And filing can be granted anywhere from 60 days to 6 months. Idk I do not want this.
We have no real assets. Her car is hers and mine is mine. They're both on one insurance policy with both our names on it. One tv and a DVD player is hers before we were married. Movies and books are pretty cut and dry. Knick knacks and collectables are mostly things we bought together since we were dating but somethings we each had before marriage. Idk what she would want or throw out. Since she hasn't worked it's down to my income and tax return since married.
This is making me sick thinking about it and typing it.
She needs to go to a dentist, toothache. She is super broke and feels like such a loser. She is doing good so she is happy. She just needs to get her stuff together.
I have not replied. Don't plan to. She texts every few days or so. Wth?
I'm not going to put any money into her account or send any.
"Well, I replied back and I know I shouldn't have."
No you don't or else you wouldn't have done it and argued with people who said not to reply.
"It seems like a guilt issue to me, anything to keep me hanging on too in a way. Idk.:
You're mindreading.
"It's making me sick and exhausted."
No. YOU are making yourself sick and exhausted. You wouldn't be bothered by all this if you just let it go.
"I can't expose the affair. This guy doesn't use his real name on fb, Twitter, or anything. He has a daughter and he's 10 years older than my W. I don't know if he has SO. A friend told me this info and I asked him not to. It doesn't do me any good."
Exposing isn't going to help. I mean she left anyway so it's not like no one is going to find out.
"While being in bed sick I've made some decisions and come to some conclusions."
You mean guesses and assumptions.
"W is going to continue avoiding me and everything that has to do with me, our pets, and belongings here. She will send her mom and the family friend to get her stuff and car. They are coming out here after Christmas. I suspect this will happen then. If so, and this is the path and action W is taking, I will then sort and box everything else and put it in storage.
I was trying not to add this info but it is relevant and I should've. I work for her parents. Our house and job are through a company they own. After last call with W she said I can stay here and I still have my job. That's great and I'm thankful to my in laws for that. But I think that's a guilt thing with my W. Plus it keeps me here if and when things fall through with the affair. So my plan there is to stay till there is action on the divorce paperwork. If she goes through with it I think I need to quit and move. As much as I love my job and in laws I'll have to.
I'm close to my in laws but it will be hard on me emotionally and mentally if I stay here. I have no other job prospects and nowhere to go but I think it is what I'll have to do. The issue here is that I will have to let them know ahead of time. They have been really good to us and helped is so much. This job was for us to save money and have a nest egg. So I have to let them know something before the papers are filed. They will be sad but understanding."
There's alot of mindreading. You're guess alot of things here. All this will do is consume your attention.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
