Sinking into a dark place

[Mimi00]

You've gotten great responses....I want to piggy back on the suggestion to read "5 love languages. Your wife says she doesn't even think about sex....I'm not expert, but I think if her LL was being "spoken" it would cause her to think about it more often. For example if her LL is touch....you walking by her in the kitchen and slightly brushing against her naturall may cause the thought to pop up. Or if "acts of service" is her LL, then maybe you every once in a while giving her a day to spend alone/or out and about maybe getting a massage you set up for ber while you're taking care of the kids, clean the house and make dinner while make her want to "thank you" when she walks in the door.

But before you even get to that point though....I truly believe respect is tied to attraction. What are some things that may have caused her to lose respect/attraction to you? What can you do to get that respect/attraction back?
Some times it can be a weight gain....some times it can be that you went through a period of depression that changes the way she sees you...sometimes its simple behaviors that we don't always realize can be unattractive over time.

So i suggest taking the time to really think back on your relationship and what part you may have played in why your marriage has come to this...then come up with some 180 changes that will benefit you and hopefully also result in positives for your marriage as well.

[SM34]

I think mimi has hit the nail on the head! You need to examine the respect factor because...

Women cannot feel attraction for a man they do not respect.

Speaking from expeience, and in my sitch, a woman's respect for her husband is usually based around your ability to PROVIDE.

it may not be that a wife needs a lot of money, but financial SECURITY and maturity on the husbands part.

I'm not sure if you have any financial issues or if your wife may feel you are not financially responsible or anything along those lines.

But believe it or not, setting up a trust fund for the kids, or a retirement fund for you and her, or simply examing your bills and finding places to lower expenses (without touching her FUN budget) can be EXTREMELY attractive and dmands respect. Its the way women are programed, they look at a secure future as something a strong alpha male provides.

Do you have any financial issues?

[Aaron Taylor]

SM34 great points... I like those ideas.

In the beginning of our marriage we did, but now we live w/o debt (except our home) and I've done my best (sometimes working 3 jobs) to help her fulfill her calling to stay home with the kids.

She hasn't worked outside the home for over 18 years. I love that! It's a dream we share.

Trust funds, retirement are lacking so I may start to focus on those things.

Like I said earlier....to help her feel at ease with our finances, she doesn't have anything to do with them. I pay everything... took her on a 2 week vacation to a tropical island....sending her overseas in a couple months with my son....bought her a new car (used I paid for in cash) bought her a jawbone (for all you exercise lovers) etc...

Not making excuses, but financially, we are in the best place we've ever been in our history together.

I hope people understand that I'm not asking for the "act of sex" every day. I'm just asking for affection primarily. Her to greet me when I come home with a kiss...a hug... hold my hand....tell me you miss me and you thought about me. It's almost non-existent.

I know this sounds prideful and arrogant but I honestly don't mean for it to be. Honestly, I have been the one to openly be willing to change everything she's asked me to change in the last 10 years.

From taking care of my teeth(which I didn't realize was infected) so I can understand how disturbing that was for a season. But I'm good now and have been for several years.

Since I have unsightly hair on my back, I believe that she finally got up the nerve to tell me it grosses her out and asked me to wear a t-shirt to bed from now on (this was 8 years ago or so).

To work out with me, plant flowers with me, be at home more, I actually love shopping (i know I'm weird) so we do that together, tried date nights more frequently.... NOTHING!

Again...she says: "Deal with it, it's the way I am and I can't help it."

So, we continue to go from argument to argument over a few months and end up in the same spot.

I know I'm not attractive, but I really try with what I have. I shower every day. Shave, can "fix" my hair because I'm bald, I have a belly which isn't pleasant, I'm overweight but not in an obese sickly way.

Since she started going to the gym, I believe she's seen men who look nothing like me and I just gross her out.

It's just depressing. I'm going to just focus on being a dad and find other joys in life that hopefully satisfy that desire.

[AnotherStander]

You've gotten some great advice here. When I read your first post my initial thoughts were similar to Melissa's. Men tend to see "great sex" as the physical act of sex- doing this position and that position and having this many climaxes, etc. But women don't respond as much to the physical act as they do the emotional connection. They need the emotional connection first, THEN the physical part becomes enjoyable. It sounds to me like you are strictly focusing on the physical part and the emotional connection is not there. As long as the emotional connection isn't there, your W is never going to enjoy the physical part. I think that may be why her attitude is just to get it over with.

I know I'm disgusting and she tells me: "you were big when I married you, it doesn't bother me"

It sounds like you've got pretty low self-esteem. I seriously doubt you're "disgusting", the vast majority of the population (at least here in America) is very overweight. There's a big difference between being overweight and being a disgusting slob. An overweight person that dresses and grooms nicely and carries themselves with confidence can be just as attractive as anyone else. When some here mentioned that you should lose weight and get a makeover, it's as much for you as it is for your W. You need to do things to make you feel better about you, to build up your self-esteem and confidence. That will in turn make you more attractive.

I honestly believe that she's disgusted by me and it's hard for her to even come near me because of it.

I think you're disgusted with yourself and that in turn is making you less attractive to her. So get busy doing things to make YOU love YOU again :)Don't look at losing 70 pounds as your goal, make your goal to lose 5. Then when you get there, celebrate! Then set a new goal to lose another 5. For each little bit you lose you will look and feel better and your self-esteem will grow.

[MrBond]

"I know I'm disgusting and she tells me: "you were big when I married you, it doesn't bother me"

You know you have alot of self-loathing for yourself going on.

"I'm bald and have hair on my back.... a makeover won't help that."

There are other ways to improve your appearance. You're not even trying. You'd rather spend the time explaining our disgusting you look and how gross you are, etc. Geez if that's how you see yourself, why would your W want to have sex with you?

" I really thought love was more than appearance."

Let's be honest here. People are visual creatures. You're not talking about love. You're talking about sex. Your W loves you but doesn't want to have sex with you. You can love your children and relatives but you don't have sex with them. Same thing.

Start manning up and start somewhere rather than complaining why you can't. It takes the same amount of effort.

[Aaron Taylor]

Look MrBond... I thought this was a place I could "complain" but I guess not.

Those are all things SHE HAS SAID ABOUT ME ALREADY... I didn't think I was that bad until SHE let me know it.

I realize the love/sex thing. The thing is, sex isn't about the physical part. That's the icing on the cake... the cake to me is what it does for me emotionally. It makes me feel closer to her and gives me the feeling she actually desires me.

Why that is? I don't know. I wish I could change it.

Anyway...

[Aaron Taylor]

AnotherStander,

Thanks.. I agree.. there is some great advice and I'm going to do what I can.

I've asked her time and time again, (realizing that emotional connection is key) and she's told me some things... I've done them. Then she thinks of new ones... I've done those... then new ones. I guarantee if I have this discussion with her, and I probably will, it's going to be something different.

I am working out and losing weight.. I'm getting there.. for me.

[Fartiltre]

Aaron,

Sorry to meet you here!

I haven't got that much to ad to all of the above, but do put on new glasses and read Bonds post once again - this time through your Ws eyes!
Bond hits hard but he is usually spot on!
Process his words!

All the best!

F

[PatientMan]

So, here I sit, knowing I'm fat, but have been working out WITH her (to build our time together and similar interest) and I've lost some weight. I make all the money for our home. I am home every single night of the week by 5PM to do homework with kids or hang out with her or go shopping etc.. whatever she wants. I've taken her to a tropical island, bought her a car, written her notes, tried dating and it is getting worse...

...What am I doing wrong?

It's getting worse because you admit you're doing the same things over and over again that haven't worked. That doesn't make much sense.

Read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay. ASAP. It describes your problems to a "T" and how you can address them.

-PM

[Mimi00]

You can complain here....but what were trying to help you do is make progress. You saying you're "disgusting" here...so I imagine you probablynhave down talked your self in front of your wife as well.....and I believe that was MrBonds point; Get out of the mode of negative self talk and lets help you do soemthing different.

You have several posts focused on your wifes last complaints and have yet to say what you need to do for you and list some changes and goals. You skipped over my questions asking you about any 180 changes so I assume it was ignored or you haven't thought of any yet?

Have you read DB or DR? If not you may want to start there.

If your wife complained and you made changes...were you cinsistent with those changes, or did you quit after the first time it didn't seem to work?
If you made the changes and they stuck over time and she still comes up with new excuses of what she doesn't like....then the problem may be deeper. Agai. I suggest looking at the issue of respect......do you think your wife respects you 100%? If not...why?

Then you need to take your focus off the negatives and put them on the positive changes you want to make, so that you can be a better man for you...also hows your social life? Do you have hobby's and freinds? Start GALing for you..not just bc your wife has complained she wants to go out more..... go out and invite her along...if she doesn't accept go with out her and make her wonder what you're doing...at some point she may begin to invite herself b/c she wants to get in on the fun.