Barrybran I - I cheated; Wife wants to separate

[swoop]

Don't even consider rationalizing the WAS's thought process. Even she probably doesn't know what is going through her mind!

My W still has our wedding and family pictures up on her Facebook, right along side the albums with OM and all of her new friends. Normal, rational thinking is what the WAS is NOT....haha

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

It's amazing what a difference two weeks can make. I'm only at the start of my journey and my wife with hers but the knowledge I've picked up here in such a short time of reading people's stories is amazing. I've tried to read people's stories in full rather than skimming so I can get an understanding of how they felt at the beginning of their journeys and their attached insecurities up to now where many people feel more confident and happy with themselves, regardless of what their future holds. Every situation has given me hope and helped me to think about what I'm doing right and wrong.

The biggest change I have made so far is to drop all relationship talk. When I arrived home in November after six months working away my wife was incredibly cold and distant. She'd barely talk to me and often didn't even acknowledge my presence in a room. She was also incredibly busy at work so I put it all down to her work stress. Once I dropped the relationship talk it seemed like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. She still had a lot of pressure at work and is always tired after work but her mood has improved greatly. She speaks to me often, she asks my opinions on things and we've got along great. She seems happier. As I said earlier, it's only the beginning so she still sleeps in another room and even hid behind the door as I got her a towel this morning but she's more open to my input and conversation than the first two weeks I was home.

The hardest part I've found so far is the fact that I'm doing this for myself rather than for "us". Ever since I started dating my wife I've always put her and the kids first; it's what you do. It feels unnatural to put me first instead. Don't get me wrong, I understand why it's important to put me first but it's something for me to get used to.

Finally, the biggest discovery I've made about myself is that I have programmed myself to disagree with my wife. I was shocked when I figured this out. I'm so used to disagreeing and arguing with her that I now default to the opposite of what she thinks rather than having a yin/yang, find middle ground approach. It's something I definitely need to work on. We're both very stubborn people but now that I'm aware of this I feel confident that I can process and respond to what she is saying rather than allowing the mouth to get in before the brain.

I know my journey is embryonic; I am just two weeks into something that took me six months to heal last time and will likely take longer this time. I want my wife back. As I've read though, baby steps and patience. Thanks to everyone who has posted as while you may not have posted on my thread I have probably read your post on someone else's thread and it's made me think.

Back to housework/reading :-)

[Barrybran]

Gotta love parents. My wife just went out to help a friend with something and my Dad told me my wife wants a holiday (something she mentioned on Facebook and in person but not to me) and that I should suggest it to her. Without giving this stuff away to them I tried to explain to him that I don't know what she wants and that while she needs a holiday after the Christmas/New Year rush at work is over that my wife isn't the holidaying type. Our only holidays have been for "reasons": honeymoon, see family/friends; never to unwind with the kids and I. Plus, despite her many friends she's a homebody.

Needless to say I'll be waiting for my wife to bring the idea up to me. I know where I'll suggest if she does but from what I've learned here I'll just keep the good vibes rolling and wait for my cue.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

It's been a pretty interesting 24 hours for me. Nothing remarkable of note with my wife: she still seems happier and we're getting along fine. I went Christmas shopping today with my wife an family and it was pretty successful. I had a chance to validate my wife's frustration at not being able to find something but messed it up by first missing the opportunity and then by tripping over my words. It's enlightening to know when opportunities are coming up now as opposed to flying blind before. I know I'll get one right soon.

The interesting parts of my day occurred last night and this morning. My wife went out with friends and I stayed home reading threads while playing games. I have been reading about getting a life and detachment and wondering how to fit those into my life other than joining the gym. I have no job, no job prospects, no friends and being a small town there's not much to do. I've been somewhat of a homebody since I've been here and I've been fine with that. My kids and house keep me plenty busy so I've not had to worry about getting a life before now.

In one of the threads that I read it mentioned about getting a life not specifically meaning meeting new people or getting out of the house. I came to understand that that's what I had to do but with my limitations it wasn't particularly appealing. The thread that I read though was about doing things for you regardless of location and people involved. They mentioned even doing things around the house: gardening, fixing things, hobbies, reading... whatever you could throw yourself into that wasn't going to rely on your spouse or get in their way. It was for you. I felt pretty good about that as I've done a fair bit of that lately. I've left my wife alone and just got on with mine. Sure, I could use some fun but right now I have enough to tide me over.

The second interesting thing came this morning when I thought about my grandparents. My grandma passed in 2009 and my grandpa just six weeks ago but they typified the type of relationship I've read about here, that is, loving and caring for your spouse without depending on them. My grandma did have mobility problems and my grandpa picked up a lot of the slack but he did it out of love rather than purely necessity. Grandma was a strong woman and knew she could get our help instead of my grandpa's. They had their own interests: grandma with playing cards online, knitting and her tv shows, grandpa with his gardening, housekeeping, dogs and other things he pottered around with outside. They loved each other and had their fights but they had their own lives within their own home, coming together when they were eating, resting or going out rather than dropping their own lives for the other. It was a revelation of sorts for me as my parents are very codependent and always have been. My wife will never be codependent and I know deep down I would like to achieve a relationship like that of my grandparents where my wife and I love each other wholly and unconditionally but we have our own lives under one roof. It certainly gives me something to think about and work towards.

[lovethehub]

Hi, just want you to know someone else is here, listening!

[swoop]

You sound like you're doing well, Barrybran.

[Barrybran]

Thank you LTH. I am doing well, SP. Early days and far from where I want to be but feeling good armed with new info.

[Barrybran]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice for me. Today is my wife's late Dad's birthday whom she was very close to. She rarely talks about her Dad even though I know she thinks about him on days like today. She is still very busy at work and has kept herself distracted by that but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on whether I could/should say anything in future. The moment is gone today but I'd like to be there for her for situations like this but as I said, she doesn't let on that it affects her and I don't want to cross any unwanted lines.

[swoop]

How did you respond to his birthday in the past? Also, did you know her father? Were you close?

[labug]

Would you be doing it as a genuine expression or trying to make points?

If you can do it without expectation, do it.

But if there's a hint of anything else, don't, because then it becomes for and about you, not her.