Sinking into a dark place

[MrBond]

"Look MrBond... I thought this was a place I could "complain" but I guess not."

Of course you can complain. HOWEVER, what you are doing isn't complaining. It was you self depracating yourself. If you don't feel like you or anything is going to change, why are you here?

I have a feeling that you do think things can change, which is why you're on here. YOUR SUCCESS DEPENDS ON YOU!

"Those are all things SHE HAS SAID ABOUT ME ALREADY... I didn't think I was that bad until SHE let me know it."

You made it sound as if YOU were saying you were disgusting. So which is it? Disgusting is a very strong word. Either way, you can do something about it.

"I realize the love/sex thing. The thing is, sex isn't about the physical part. That's the icing on the cake... the cake to me is what it does for me emotionally. It makes me feel closer to her and gives me the feeling she actually desires me."

That's your problem. You are so dependent on her that you don't have any self esteem. It's your confidence that will make you attractive. Confidence in your abilities, confidence in your path, CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

"Why that is? I don't know. I wish I could change it. "

Because something probably happened to you that made you afraid of being alone or you felt that you had to please people or feel accepted by them. Who knows?

The bottom line is that you CAN change it. But it doesn't sound like you want to. Again, so what do you want to do? Fail or succeed? Do you want to feel the way you do right now? If not, then you can also CHOOSE to NOT to feel that way. It's all a choice.

Even the working out. Do it for YOU. NOT to satisfy your W. You don't live for her, you live for yourself. Once you do that, she will follow.

[jp787]

Aaron,

When I would feel challenged or pushed on this board, I would get angry, sometimes run and hide.

After a while I started to notice that everyone here had my best interest at heart, they cared about me, they didn't leave or give up.

That is when I started to realize that some of the things that were said or asked and got under my skin, were in face the very things that I was afraid of. Things that I needed to look at with an open mind.

Some of the people on here who seemed to p!ss me off the most also make me look into myself, they are some of the people I respect the most.

Just sayin

[Accuray]

AT,

One other thing to consider: each time you jump through one of W's hoops you devalue yourself, and that makes you less attractive.

Try to get out of the mode of working to win her approval, that will not take you where you want to go.

Acc

[AnotherStander]

Those are all things SHE HAS SAID ABOUT ME ALREADY... I didn't think I was that bad until SHE let me know it

Can you please clarify this? Because here is what you've posted up to this point about it:

I've been overweight since before we met and I know I'm not that attractive. She says that isn't it but I have to wonder.

I know I'm disgusting and she tells me: "you were big when I married you, it doesn't bother me"

So, here I sit, knowing I'm fat

I know I'm disgusting

I know I'm not attractive..

I believe she's seen men who look nothing like me and I just gross her out.

What you've posted makes it sound like your size is not an issue to your W, and in fact the only negative thing you've mentioned her saying about you is she doesn't like the back hair, so you started wearing a shirt to bed. But then you refer to yourself as fat, unattractive and disgusting. So what you've posted so far makes it sound like she's fine with how you look, but YOU are not. It's an important distinction because if this is all in your head then it's a self-esteem issue and we're making suggestions based on that.

Read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay. ASAP. It describes your problems to a "T" and how you can address them.

I want to second this suggestion. A lot of the things you've mentioned in trying to "fix" this (helping kids with homework, going shopping with W, writing her notes, doing "whatever she wants") is all very beta behavior. Beta behavior makes women feel comfortable, but alpha behavior is what they find attractive. Your negative view of yourself is very beta as well. The book PM suggested goes deep into alpha versus beta behavior and what you can do to get your alpha back.

[melissag]

AT, I agree with the others about your W not respecting you. Telling you things like, "get over it" are just proof of that. She either doesn't understand or doesn't care that you are drowning in this M. Continuing to complain to her, accept a M that is miserable for you, jump through every hoop she sets up for you, and feel crappy about yourself for it . . . none of those things are helping you, and they are making her disrespect you more. I remember almost wishing that I would suspect my H was having an A, because that might make me be more interested in him. (No judgment here, please, just trying to help the OP.)

The big thing that sticks out to me (remember, I have been your W before) is that there needs to be a BIG change in your M. I mean big. Not, I used mouthwash this morning. But something that really makes your W rethink things or see you in a different view. It is obvious to me that nothing you have done in the past has done any good whatsoever. You need to acknowledge that, first of all. Then you need to do something different. (And you don't TELL HER you are doing something different, or why, you just do it.)

Here on this board we always talk about GAL . . . it will make you feel better, and perhaps will have the added benefit of making your W more interested in you. Go to the gym WITHOUT YOUR W. Make friends there. Go have drinks with them. Get in touch with old friends, new friends, whatever. Visit them. What are your hobbies? Go do them. Find new hobbies. Do new types of exercise. Go on a trip without your W for a few days. Have your own life that doesn't revolve around your W and her wishes (real or perceived). I am not saying be a jerk, but, to be blunt, quit being so whipped. Have some self respect. If you GAL, you will have a lot more self respect, self confidence, and happiness from within.

I can tell you from experience, that the WORST kind of pressure is when you know that your H is completely dependent on you for his happiness. My H would tell me how unhappy he was bc of the lack of sex, and the way he made it sound was kind of like how you are making it sound. It came across to me as kind of pathetic. Like, he had no self worth without me wanting to have sex with him, and he couldn't possibly be happy if I didn't make him happy. This put a HUGE burden on me, and I refused to take it. I thought, "well, what if someday I have cancer, and I am too sick to have sex? Or I am paralyzed in an accident? Is he going to leave me because I will be good for nothing then?"

You cannot allow sex with your wife to be the basis of your happiness or self worth.

I am not saying that any of my thoughts that I am sharing with you here were good thoughts or even remotely acceptable in a M. I am not defending your W in any way. In fact, I wish I could smack her upside the head, because that's what I wish someone had done to me, before my H did it. I am just trying to help you understand how she may be thinking. Right or wrong, it is what it is, and reality is what you have to deal with.

Right now you are in a very stuck place. And she is obviously not going to get you unstuck. So instead of looking to her to solve the problem (which will only backfire because it will put more pressure on her), YOU need to take steps to make changes in your M. And that starts with changes in you.

[3boymom]

AT - I read through your posts and I see that you talk a lot about what changes you think that your wife would like to see. What do YOU want to change about yourself?

Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to get in shape? Do you want to change your physical appearance?

You also say a few times that you cant make certain changes to your appearance. If you don't like the hair on your back, there are ways to remove it. It may not be fun, but people do it all the time. Heck, I hate getting my eyebrows and lip waxed but I do it because it makes ME feel good. And when I feel good about myself, other people will take notice.

[jp787]

AT, I agree with the others about your W not respecting you. Telling you things like, "get over it" are just proof of that. She either doesn't understand or doesn't care that you are drowning in this M. Continuing to complain to her, accept a M that is miserable for you, jump through every hoop she sets up for you, and feel crappy about yourself for it . . . none of those things are helping you, and they are making her disrespect you more. I remember almost wishing that I would suspect my H was having an A, because that might make me be more interested in him. (No judgment here, please, just trying to help the OP.)

The big thing that sticks out to me (remember, I have been your W before) is that there needs to be a BIG change in your M. I mean big. Not, I used mouthwash this morning. But something that really makes your W rethink things or see you in a different view. It is obvious to me that nothing you have done in the past has done any good whatsoever. You need to acknowledge that, first of all. Then you need to do something different. (And you don't TELL HER you are doing something different, or why, you just do it.)

Here on this board we always talk about GAL . . . it will make you feel better, and perhaps will have the added benefit of making your W more interested in you. Go to the gym WITHOUT YOUR W. Make friends there. Go have drinks with them. Get in touch with old friends, new friends, whatever. Visit them. What are your hobbies? Go do them. Find new hobbies. Do new types of exercise. Go on a trip without your W for a few days. Have your own life that doesn't revolve around your W and her wishes (real or perceived). I am not saying be a jerk, but, to be blunt, quit being so whipped. Have some self respect. If you GAL, you will have a lot more self respect, self confidence, and happiness from within.

I can tell you from experience, that the WORST kind of pressure is when you know that your H is completely dependent on you for his happiness. My H would tell me how unhappy he was bc of the lack of sex, and the way he made it sound was kind of like how you are making it sound. It came across to me as kind of pathetic. Like, he had no self worth without me wanting to have sex with him, and he couldn't possibly be happy if I didn't make him happy. This put a HUGE burden on me, and I refused to take it. I thought, "well, what if someday I have cancer, and I am too sick to have sex? Or I am paralyzed in an accident? Is he going to leave me because I will be good for nothing then?"

You cannot allow sex with your wife to be the basis of your happiness or self worth.

I am not saying that any of my thoughts that I am sharing with you here were good thoughts or even remotely acceptable in a M. I am not defending your W in any way. In fact, I wish I could smack her upside the head, because that's what I wish someone had done to me, before my H did it. I am just trying to help you understand how she may be thinking. Right or wrong, it is what it is, and reality is what you have to deal with.

Right now you are in a very stuck place. And she is obviously not going to get you unstuck. So instead of looking to her to solve the problem (which will only backfire because it will put more pressure on her), YOU need to take steps to make changes in your M. And that starts with changes in you.

Thank you so much for this post

[Aaron Taylor]

AnotherStander

What I was trying to point out was that I wasn't "healthy" when we got married. For the majority of our marriage, NEITHER of us would be in the "healthy" category.

about 5 years ago she became a health-nut and lost some weight and is not what I would consider "healthy". I was active the first 5-6 years of our marriage but still overweight. Then, primarily being at a desk, I wasn't active which only made it worse.

I was trying to point out that she has told me it doesn't matter to her but then she's called me fat before, asked me to cover myself up etc... If she's not attractive to me, it is what it is and like I said, I have a trainer and it will take time.

My fear is that this will not make a difference. She will come up with something else after I get in shape and look better. That's what has happened the last 20 years.

do this... I do it...it changes for a season then goes back to or actually worse than what it was. Then repeats.

So, I'm NOT losing weight and getting in shape FOR HER, but FOR ME! I do want to get healthy....for me, for my kids and to be around longer.

For 10-12 years, it's been me. All I'm saying is could it be possible it's her? And if it is, if she loved me, why wouldn't she go to the DR to try to see if everything is ok?

Instead, she just settles and says, this is me, I'm not you and don't try to make me you.

So.. this is where I am.

Mellissag, thanks for your response as well. I hear you and am trying some new things. She's worth it and I love her dearly.

To me, if she came down with cancer or was in a car wreck, this would be different. IMO-those are things she can't help. This, I believe she can help IF SHE WANTED TO but I believe she just doesn't want to help it. Having sex maybe on average 2 times per quarter is NOT normal.

It's not so much "self-worth" type of need as it is an actual human being who is supposed to be my wife to DESIRE me. Why is that so hard?

With DESIRE comes CONNECTION. With CONNECTION comes security...security gives birth to self-confidence & self-worth in my opinion. Happiness? No, I can't rely on her for happiness and wouldn't. That's a choice.

3boyzmom, jp787... thanks for replying. I appreciate it.

I talked to a therapist today... I liked him...now I'm going to see if she would go see him on her own and see if this works.

pray for us please.

[Accuray]

I talked to a therapist today... I liked him...now I'm going to see if she would go see him on her own and see if this works.

I really wouldn't do that. By suggesting she go see a therapist you are implying that she is somehow broken or deficient and in need of help. You're making it about her and it's about you.

Acc

[PatientMan]

pray for us please.

Will do.

Read that book I suggested. It will very likely shock you.

-PM