MrBond and the others are spot on about MC being a bad idea right now. You mentioned being married 20 years and seeing it work many times, sure it works when BOTH spouses are willing to work on things but it NEVER works when one spouse is a WAS. What you need to understand is a WAS situation is different than anything you've been exposed to before. What works in saving a troubled marriage does NOT work with a WAS because the marriage isn't troubled, it is OVER. read DR, you're not trying to save your M, it's already done. You're trying to attract your W back to a NEW relationship and marriage.
Just to piggyback what AS is saying here, your marriage is very likely over and MC would not only NOT be useful, it would actually be one of the line items on your W's list that she can check off and say "tried that...didn't work."
MC can actually reenforce the WAS desire to leave and divorce.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I'm not sure his wife is a WAS -- it's more of a sex starved marriage situation. She's not really complaining, she's not threatening, she's still willing to have sex with him, she has just reached a point of low desire and he resents her for that, which is understandable. This is the type of situation where MC can help IMO because it doesn't sound like she is checked out.
If his goal in MC is to show her she's wrong and she needs to change then he probably will have a WAS situation eventually but I don't think he is there yet.
Here's my issue with MMSLP: if you actually read it carefully it's a fine bit of input for self help, but it is not fact, it's not proven, and it does not suit every relationship. It's definitely not written for a WAS situation. My issue is not the book, but people who read it and interpret it as a cure all -- to the man with a hammer everything looks like a nail.
It's not reasonable to expect your spouse to lust after you over the course of a 20 year marriage -- passion will come and go over and over again.
With MMSLP the message risks being interpreted as "you're not a good enough man -- you're too beta and that is bad." Now take someone whose self esteem has already crashed and hand them that message. 3 months of hitting the gym and chest thumping behavior is not going to turn a lifelong introvert into a player with incredible game, and if the takeaway is that you are therefore inadequate I don't buy it.
Everyone owes it to themselves to be the best person they can be -- after that you need to be with someone who appreciates who you are and the good qualities you have. If you have to remake yourself into a macho man to get the sex you want with your current partner I think you're going down a cheese less tunnel.
I respect anyone who thinks differently, just my two cents
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
aaron, This really is a great place with great people (no kool-aid)
I hope you are doing well.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey everyone... I appreciate ALL ( I honestly mean that) ALL of the responses here.
I'm incredibly busy and do not get a chance to respond as often as I like to.
For everyone who is saying that I'm not taking the advice, that's not true.
I am taking the advice, I have only been on this forum for a little over a week, I haven't even had a chance to order the books yet much less read them. I plan to and will do whatever I can to make the marriage better. I just got here...give me some time to process this and get the books ordered etc.
And to be crystal clear. My W WANTED C as well. She's brought it up on several occasions. I'm NOT saying that MC is going to be the end all to be all, I am saying that I want to try whatever I can to help our marriage. If this is what we BOTH want to try. Heck it may not work at all. But IMO, both of us trying to work on OUR marriage is far better than ONE of us working on it.
We go Wednesday and I will keep you guys posted. We are constantly looking to adjust schedules and spend more time talking to each other about our situation.
Most of the newcomers here are in a situation where their spouse has already checked out of the marriage and often is engaged in an affair, so that's where a lot of the advice is coming from -- an assumption that your spouse is "done" and you are trying to save your marriage.
Since that's not the case with you at this point, you may get more targeted advice in the "Sex Starved Marriage" forum, as that is really the core of the issue you initially posted about.
--Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Aaron, I am glad you are back! I think it is great that your W wants MC, and I truly hope it works out for you! I think that it would be great for you to read DR, which actually was written for someone in your situation - where the M is in bad shape, but nobody is yet out the door. I think it would give you ideas of some things to implement even while you are going to MC.
As far as MC goes, make sure you have a solutions oriented, pro-M counselor. My H and I went to MC, and though we begged her for homework, or something to actually DO, she didn't give it to us, and on top of that never really addressed our issues or asked us the hard questions. I honestly wish that I had read DR at that point instead of wasting the $$ on MC. (I'm not saying that your MC will be a waste of money, just saying that not all Cs are created equal.)
Also I think that some of the folks here are trying to explain that while it's great that your W is willing to go to MC, you CAN effect change in your relationship on your own. And I'm not sure why (in addition to working on things with your W), you wouldn't want to.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
