on the edge Pt 3

[dingo]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2414607&page=1

So I am supposed to meet my wife out for a drink/dinner later tonight. I am not sure that I am ready for this but do want to have a positive interaction. We havent spoken since Friday evening which was somewhat positive. She started her new job today which means she is no longer working with the OM. Its too bad this didn't happen a few months ago when she was living at home but nothing to be done about that now....

[jp787]

Dingo -

I would go back to your last thread and read the advice given there. You really need to start doing this for you.

[labug]

If you go, make it short and sweet and drink something like soda with a twist. You need to be in control of you.

Short and sweet.

[Breakdown]

What bug said....double.

[dingo]

i think i will try to limit talk to how her first day at work went and leave it at that. I am pretty nervous about even going but I have to face it sometime.

[melissag]

Don't be nervous. Go in with an open mind and trust that you can handle whatever comes up. Make sure you read the 37 rules, and review your 180s before you go. Keep your goal in mind, and if you aren't sure, check to make sure that whatever you are going to say or do is consistent with the rules, the 180s and your goals!

[dingo]

Well - i took the opportunity to do a little 180 and give myself time to get more prepared before meeting up with her again. She called and said that her friend had called wanting to do yoga after work and if it would be ok to meet up later in the week. I said sure, have fun and let me know when you want to get together.

I would have loved to see her but I think i meed more time to build some resolve.

[dingo]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I know that I have been very stubborn in taking the advice given here. I do recognize that its the right thing to do and the only thing to do to save myself and save my marriage but I find it sooo difficult at times. I need to show some willpower myself and just try to get through the first few days to get some momentum going.

Melissa - your description of the tantrum phase fits me perfectly. I do want this to end now. I have not been anything remotely close to patient. I keep thinking that this event or that event will be the trigger that suddenly makes everything real for her and she will relent. But she hasn't. I keep reading 'this is a marathon, not a sprint' and ignore it - hoping that my situation will be different. Well its not and I need to accept that.

I know that my wife is right and we need this separation. I know that we need to clear the bad air and tension that exists between us - in both directions - and somehow each get a new perspective on each other. I just find it so g-damn hard to do.

Its not the GALing part. I think I am pretty good on that. The problem is that most of the activities I do, I would normally have done with her and/or most of the things I am into, she would also be into. As an example, the other day I started rock climbing again and knew that she would have loved to be doing it too. I used to go to the gym with her so its a little strange to be going by myself.

Anyway - will continue with more later. Have to go to a meeting at work

[melissag]

Hi Dingo. Nobody on this board will tell you that DBing is easy. It is exhausting, and painful, and difficult. But you have to believe that it is worth it. Not just for your M, which may or may not be restored, but for YOU.

I know the feeling of not being patient. I was sure that my H would change his mind within a few weeks. But you just have to remember that it took the WAS a LONG time to make this decision. I see this from time to time when I remember something that, in retrospect, was a sign that this was coming - for example, about 3 months before BD, I sent H a link that was making the rounds on FB about things to do to have a great marriage. I told him I thought that we could both implement some of those things. He totally shot me down. So now that I think about it, he was probably already on his way to BD at that point. Anyway, there is a LOT of inertia going the wrong way here, so it's not going to be easy to turn things around. I think once you accept that, you will gain a little bit of peace.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but I think that as LBSs, especially at the beginning, we tend to make things worse on ourselves. Being impatient and being desperate for immediate answers definitely makes things worse. (I am not completely to the acceptance phase on this either, but I am a lot better than I was even a few weeks ago.)

I know that my wife is right and we need this separation. I know that we need to clear the bad air and tension that exists between us - in both directions - and somehow each get a new perspective on each other. I just find it so g-damn hard to do.

Yep. You know what my DB coach once said? Imagine you find out today that your W is gong to have an epiphany and decide she wants to move home let's say, 67 days from now.

What are you going to do during those 67 days?

And why wouldn't you do this now?

[dingo]

So here's the second half of yesterday's update. We did end up meeting for coffee yesterday morning before work. I was pleasant, she was pleasant and I think it went pretty well. She had taken her wedding ring off but I didn't ask about it. She did mention that she had talked about me and my family with her new office mates and I just listened.

I didn't really have much that I wanted to say so I just joked a bit and left it alone. As we were leaving, she again asked me to give her some space to 'figure her [censored] out.' I told her that I would but she needed to honor it too. We really have not been good about giving each other space - one of us always calls. She gave me a hug and kiss again and told me she loved me and that was that.

A couple of hours later she called and said she had stopped by the house to pick up some long underwear. It was cold and snowy here yesterday and she had to do some work outside. While she was at the house, she noticed that I had bought a new pair of skis and some new rock climbing gear. These are activities that I was very involved in before I met her but because of our financial situation, we never did together. She complained that she wanted to go do those things and was pissed that now I wanted to do them.

That kind of caused an epiphany for me. I was able to buy those things because I no longer felt her financial burdens. She had a lot of debt, an apartment that she was upside down in and renting and a car that has almost 200k miles on it and a year still to go on the loan that needs some major repairs. I realized that I was the only one that ever felt burdened by these situations - she never felt any stress over them. By contrast, I have zero debt, manage my assets responsibly and plan for the future.

I am rambling but the point of all this is that the LBS seems to always be left feeling that they failed, that they were somehow inadequate and that someone else is better suited to meet our spouses needs that we were. I realized that her inability to manage herself financially was the root of all our problems. It led to a lot of stress between us, led to arguments about when we should have a child and a whole host of other things. I look back on it now and understand that I did what I felt was right and responsible and if that means that I was a bad H in her eyes, so be it.