HARDENED HEART CONTINUES 6 - 7 MONTHS OF REFLECTI

[2old]

So I received my mail from my stbx today. Nothing more than the letter she emailed me about was sent and as a side note her return address was her sons. She has had her own place now for 6 months yet she continues to hide her address from me. She knows very well I am not about to go knocking on her door some 500 miles away. It simply amazes me that she feels she has to hide her addy from me. It's completely ridiculous and somewhere in her mind she has to know this.

Something I was told by her daughter is rather surprising/shocking to me. Wife's daughter and her husband with two children are having a rough time right now and are being evicted from their home just days before Christmas. Yup, it's unreal but true. So they asked her mother my WAW if her and the 2 kids could come stay with her for a few weeks while daughters husband gets things straightened out. Unbelievably WAW told her daughter NO. That she would pray for a miracle for them.

Her daughter is 1400 miles from her, these are her grandchildren and WAW tells her daughter no with excuses. Stuff like not enough food to be able to feed them etc etc. Oh yes, I have been helping them where I can but to have your own mother deny you is sad and unreal. Daughter told me WAW had quit her job recently as again she couldn't get along with the other employees. This is definately something she has a problem with. This is like the 5th job she has quit since I have been with her because she cant get along with others.

So her son has taken a pay cut and having his company to pay her. She apparently watches the twin granddaughters a couple times of week. Her daughter loves her mother (my WAW) and they get along great. But at this time of need her Mother and well to do Brother are turning their backs on them. I am at a loss to figure out what is happening.

I did not want or need to know all this about WAW but with family in trouble and reaching out it's only natural to hear about whats going on. For WAW to turn her back on her own daughter and grand children is wayyy beyond belief. Now that I have been informed about all this, I swear for the life of me I can't figure out WAW. AS she prepares to fly to her other son's family for Christmas she is leaving her daughters family behind pure and simple.

At this point, I am relieved that I have not had to deal with WAW. I plan to keep it that way!

[AnotherStander]

I have seen similar situations to what you're describing, and often the person/ people being evicted have done it to themselves through wreckless spending, failure to plan for the future and poor work ethic. Then when it's time to suffer the consequences, suddenly they want to run home to the parent or parents they've been treating like crap for years and mooch off of them until they can "get back on their feet". Many of these parents do take them back and discover that they can't get rid of them after that. Then they're faced with the awful decision of having to legally evict their own offspring, or let them stay indefinitely and eat away at whatever meager income they may have.

Letting your grown kids move back home is almost always a lose-lose scenario. If I were you I would just stay out of all that drama and not criticize your W for her choice in the matter because it may very well be the right choice for her AND for her D.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with AS I've got a friend who's had her daughter and her family to stay. They've been there a year now with no signs of moving anytime soon. My friend is a good Christian woman who never moans or complains about them, but I bet she would like her house back to herself one day

[Cadet]

Do I need to tell you the 4 pillars of a MLC as written by Jim Conway

Spouse, Job, Body and God.

Sounds like she is just following the script.

And hiding the address, YUP she learned it from all the others that behave like a teenager or 4 year old kid.
Why should that surprise you?

You are doing fine 2old.
Keep working on YOUR new path in life,
what is it going to look like?
(You dont need an answer to this right now it is just something to think about)

[2old]

"I have seen similar situations to what you're describing, and often the person/ people being evicted have done it to themselves through wreckless spending, failure to plan for the future and poor work ethic."

That is very astute to pick up on this AS. You are correct in the way the kids have hurt themselves financially with their wreckless/careless spending habits. Unfortunately or not, I tend to have a heart when it comes to descent people especially family hurting. Whether caused by them or not, when children are involved it tends to be painful to see or hear about. Especially this time of year.

It's very hard to stay out of this kind of drama. I'm sure you can understand that. Additional drama very recently for them is a hospital stay and a vehicle repo. I cant stand seeing people hurting in this way. You are right though, they need to learn but at what cost I guess is my point.

I am trying to not be critical of my WAW regarding this matter. But given how I knew her in the recent past, this current treatment of her daughter and grandchildren appears to be the "new her". IMHO, it's not the normal way you deal with loved one's. But as I fully understand things today we are not talking about the same person I once knew.

With that said, personally, yup I am doing great Cadet, thanks. I am indeed working on a new path in life and it feels good to be doing so. What it will eventually look like I cant be sure as yet. I do know however, as I continue working on me and learning it is and will be a whole lot better than where I came from.

[AnotherStander]

It is really a difficult position to be placed in, because you WANT to help them, especially if it's family. And not helping them may mean they're placed into an even worse situation. But at the same time, people often have to hit rock bottom before they wake up and get their sh... er, "stuff" together. I've been that person (too many times) that helped someone that was in "desperate" need (losing house or apartment) only to discover them using the money to buy cigarettes, booze or to get a manicure. You think I'm kidding? Nooooo. I've also seen it work the other way where those people "in need" were refused help everywhere they turned and finally looked in the mirror and realized THAT is the only person that can truly get them unstuck. It's kind of like DB'ing in that respect, DB'ing is all about working on ourselves because we're broken and in the end no one else can fix us.

So I'm totally sympathetic having been there myself, but I've also been the hand that feeds that's been bitten more times than I care to recount, LOL! So that's my perspective for what it's worth

[hotwheelsaust]

Congratulations 2old on the new improved you. You are sounding very upbeat and well and truly on the way to a new and improved you.
I also can see both sides with regards to the W's daughter, yours and AS, both have good and bad points.
I suppose the best is, you can be supportive with talking/validating and concern, while not being close enough to be in a position to be asked to help with accom.

[2old]

Thought I would update things here as it's been quite sometime since the last one...Had a nice visit from WAS' family this past weekend. Her daughter's family came to see me and of course the mountains. But just the idea the kids wanted to see me was awesome.

I have had NO contact with WAS. She has made no attempt to contact me thru the holidays other than getting me a letter she recieved back in mid december. I did forward to her here recently a tax related email. I did not say anything just simply forwarded to her. Again, no response or even a Thank you. A few months ago this would of crushed me but no more.

Sandi, you made sense to me when you had said "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you". How logical is that? VERY....Maybe I have learned to finally accept that it doesn't matter why or the way she left (without saying anything).

What I do know is I did not deserve the way she did it. And that is a fact. After 9 months since her departure, I am beginning to wonder if I should indeed file for divorce myself. The way it was left back in August was that she would "get back to me" on the matter of her filing for divorce. To date there has been nothing no movement no anything.

I am really not sure what to do. Her daughter tells me there has been no OM. I think it would be easier for me to move forward and file myself if there was. If I wait what am I waiting for? Is there any reason I shouldn't file? These are difficult questions to answer.

[hotwheelsaust]

Very difficult questions to answer 2old. We are in similar boats and on similar waves, what to do?
Sandi's comment is so matter of fact, but still hard for us to take: "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you" and maybe that is what the WAS thinks.
I agree with you, this is not what we deserve with regards to the way our WAS did this. We deserve better.....full stop.
Should you file or not? That is a question only you can answer. My question back is, what is the good and bad of filing or not filing?
What will it do for you in life, if you filed? Would it still be the same if you didn't file?
In my opinion, the filing is the final chance/hope. I know others say it is just paperwork, but to me, there is nothing more left. So 2old are you ready to do that? Will it make you feel better? Will it improve your life by doing it?
Speaking for myself, I would agree with whatever you chose.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi 2old Unless you have another woman and you want to marry her, there's no need to file for D. It costs a lot of money and have you got that much to fork out? In the UK if no-one's filed after 5 years then the M is nil and void anyway. I'm not sure the ins and outs of it, it's just what I've been told.