Thanks for the reply. My husband has not been officialy diagnosed with PTSD, but I have been doing some research and I think he has many of the symptoms. He has been talking to a chaplain but not a professional. Alot of guys in the military are afraid that a diagnosis will go on their record. It's frustrating. Christmas Eve was great. He came over, spent family time, watched movies. It was almost like a family again. He stayed the night and helped put out gifts for kids. It all went bad after present opening on Christmas Day. While he was making breakfast I checked our phone account and saw where he texted possible other woman on xmas Eve. I know Im not supposed to say anything but I couldn't help it. We argued and he left. Spent the rest of Christmas with my kids, alone and devastated. I had a complete breakdown....begging him to come home, etc. He then left to go to California for 2 weeks to see family and "friends". He is still there now. Trying to go dark but texted Happy New Year on New Years Eve. No response. He did call home and speak with kids, but not me. It's so hard to be erased from someone's life. Its like we never existed. Trying to go dark again and see what happens when he comes back. Our youngest sons birthday is coming up. Still hoping for things to work out.
Hi All, I’m new here, I’ve been reading for a couple of weeks now (including first chapters of DB and DR) and while I am starting to GAL and try to emotionally distance myself from my WAW, I’m really struggling to keep it together at times for the sake of trying to, for lack of a better way to put it, convince my WAW I am someone they want to be with. Little about my story, I’ve been M for 4, T for 5.5; but we knew each other well before then as friends. We have a D2 and we are living overseas away from family and friends. We are doing so for WAWs career, and I was up for the adventure anyway so we upped sticks and moved across the world. If only we knew what an impact the isolation of being overseas with no friends or family would have. After being away for about 4 months, WAW fell pregnant with our D. It was deliberate, after much back-and-forth conversation about whether it was a good idea. In retrospect, of course, we can see now that the addition of a child to an already difficult situation was just a recipe for disaster. Of course that’s not to say that I don’t love my D with all my heart, but reality is reality.
Things started to go awry almost immediately after D arrived. We were struggling with money, and had been for quite some time. This was a bugbear for both of us, because one of the reasons we had moved overseas was for the adventure of living in another city; but now we had no money, no time due to having a baby and no energy! We began to drift apart. WAW became depressed after D was born that I don’t think she has ever really broken out of, even 2 years on. She had been depressed before, and we had clashed because I had issues with panic attacks that were triggered by her frustration at being depressed. It was a mess. I tried my best to support WAW as much as I could at this time, giving her space to socialise and time to do the work that she was passionate about. In my efforts though, I simply dug myself a hole of depression that I fell into, while seeming like I was distancing myself from WAW.
WAW dropped the bombshell (it wasn’t a complete bombshell, but I was still heartbroken) about 6 months ago that she felt that we should separate. I, of course, being the people-pleaser that I am – went straight into beg and plead mode. Please don’t leave, we can make this work, we can fix things, we just need time together. The whole shebang. Naturally, I drove her away. WAW started taking drugs again and smoking, though only a couple of times (so she says). She became more depressed and hopeless about her situation, to the point where we took her to hospital to have her assessed, and she was diagnosed as bipolar. I went back to taking care of D2 on Friday evenings to allow WAW to relax with friends, and giving WAW the space and support she needed to work through her tough time. So, naturally, I made the same mistake twice in short succession.
About 4 months ago, WAW reiterated that she wanted to separate. We were heading home the next month, so we decided to wait until after that for her to actually move out. We had a couple of arguments while back home, partially fuelled by family interfering; partially because I think we were just exhausted with what we had become. We physically separated for the first time during that trip, and upon her return home – she moved out of the house with D2 into a new place 30 minutes away.
We drew up a separation agreement, and since we still love each other (ILYBIMILWY) we are still friendly with each other. We are scheduled to see each other once a week, but we tend to do it more as WAW tends to contact me daily for all sorts of things that could have frankly waited (ie. texted this morning to ask if I could look after D2 during a trip she is taking – though we are meeting tomorrow morning and she could have just mentioned it then). Christmas was a bit of a knock to the stomach as well, as I spent Xmas Day with WAW and some friends at her place. We had a couple of close family friends over, as well as D2 and me – plus one other guy from WAWs work who just hung around all day and had spent the previous night in my WAWs bedroom. So I’m pretty sure something is going on there, though I try not to get hung up on torturing myself about the details. I can handle a lot of the emotional detachment stuff at the moment, but the thought of her with another man right now just feels like razorblades in my stomach.
So now I am trying desperately to 180, to GAL and emotionally distance myself from my WAW. We are going to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow, which I am actually panicked about now because I think it is too early to bring this stuff up. But I didn’t realise that when I made the booking. WAW says she worries about me, and tells me not to be optimistic about us getting back together. She has bluntly told me that she doesn’t think we will ever get back together. I can’t help but reason to myself that if WAW was truly interested in getting happy, she would recognise that it would be a better ultimate situation back with our family rather than divorced with everything that goes with that. But you can’t reason in this situation I guess; its just a waste of time. So instead I am joining clubs to get out and meet people, I’ve seen a doctor about my depression and I’m exercising as much as I used to – which is a big thing for me to be able to keep doing.
I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is the fear that I have at distancing myself from my WAW, that she will never come back. That fear you get that they may end up preferring life without you. Which is crazy of course, because that could happen either way. But show me someone who is rational and straight thinking in this situation, and I’ll show you someone with a heart of ice.
Any support, thoughts, tips, or good distracting television series’ to watch would be greatly appreciated at this time.
I've been dealing with my husbands BD since last December 2012. It's been up and down ever since... But lately mainly down. I wish I had found this site & book back then.
He still lives with me & the kids, but has moved into the den "for space" in the last two months.
Need help. Mainly for myself. Very sad, and I know I've been pushing him away and going about his all wrong.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
november 1st... wife says we should separate. i had trouble accepting it and did the begging and pleading routine that did not help matters. she kept saying im so sorry.. you deserve someone who is into the things you like. i decided to move downstairs into the basement and to try and give her space. i ended up messing that up.. we got into an arguement and i moved out of the house so things would cool down .. fast forward to the current situation.. wife is in love with her boss. who is married ( but just about to separate from his wife) she told me she is in love with this guy.. .. so i moved back into the house and she moved out to a friends place.. i have our daughters.. she claims she will never live with me again and only wants to be friends. she comes over every morning to drop the girls off at school and every evening to read them a book.. i love my wife with all my heart and its killing me to know she has feeelings for another man... uh.... help?????? me 34 w 33 d 6 d 3 together 14 yrs m 8yrs
Hi, I'm wondering how long my posts will be in moderation?
I started somethings for me today and it was good!
Since one of my husbands complaints is that I am super negative, I have put some positive things in place. FOR ME.
I started journaling anything that was positive in a day. So, I can look back in difficult times and see at a glance, my week was not all bad. Can be little things, like the sunny day - or it can be something major. I am trying to find the positive light in all scenarios.
Second, this morning, instead of starting the day off scrolling through my iphone... I began with reading, and then a morning meditation. Let me tell you, I felt absolutely AMAZING, confident and positive. It was just a 5 minute thing - but it made a huge difference. I felt calmer and more grounded.
So much so that when my husband asked what I was doing, and I later told him - he had a negative reaction. It I just let it bounce off me and go on. It did not drag me into a pit of uncertainty, despair, need to justify etc I was really proud of myself.
Got my Divorce remedy book today - so started that as we'll.
Hope my posts show up soon - would love feedback.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
I'm updating on this thread again because my into thread hasn't been approved! Hope I pop up soon! Need support and want to tell more details of my story. Don't remember what I wrote on the first thread.
Just had a nice afternoon out with H. Lunch out, and grocery shopping while the kids stayed home. We had easy conversation and it was fun. No tension and he was open to the idea of getting on antidepressants - which he definitely needs. He has anger issues, and can sink low into a funk and has family history. He's been on them before.
Anyway, we were almost home and he was complaining about something. I lightheartedly said "don't be so negative" jokingly - because he always says I'm so negative...
Well, then he launched into a attack on me. I quickly shut up and didn't engage. Unlike me to back down. In years past, that would have turned into a full on fight. So we were riding along in the car, I was quiet and about 10 mins in he said "so you are just going to sit over there and stew???" I said, "No, I'm not stewing. I'm fine. But you just lashed out at me for no reason and I'm not interested in being the brunt of it."
That shut up him up. I was hoping for an apology - he regularly lashes out and then apologizes.
I didn't get one... So we got home and he had to run a few errands. I told him to go ahead and go in a normal tone, and said I would unload the groceries. I just wanted him out of the house at that point so he wouldn't sit there, stew himself, anger more and continue to convince himself that he's in a horrible situation.
Anyway...
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
this is my first post. i discovered michelle's books and this site in late November. my husband moved out 5/26/13. i don't know where to begin. we were married in Feb 2010. Very happy and in love. He's very passive though and a people pleaser. Always does what his family wants, what I wants, his boss wants. Tries to make everyone happy. I've always been crazy about him, but I was at times picky/hard to please/easily upset. I'd never say a bad word or yell, but I'd get easily disappointed if he was late or if something bothered me. I may have cried or gotten quiet and upset for a half hour or so and then I'd usually be over it. If I'd ask him if I bothered him or I'd tried to apologize he'd say oh it's ok no problem and he'd act like it didn't bother him.
I went to therapy in October 2012 to work on how I get disappointed and I had asked him to come to therapy with me last winter, just to tell the therapist what things bothered him. He finally came out with a bunch of examples of how this bothered him or that time I got upset about that bothered him. It was hard to hear how I had hurt him and tough because he'd never told me, but I was also glad we were finally getting this stuff out so that it wouldn't keep going on like this.
One day last January 2013, he told me his brother asked him if we'd buy his parents plane tickets here to visit from their country. I tried to discuss it with my husband since we'd been saving up to buy a house, but he took it like my wanting to discuss it meant that I didn't want to buy their tickets. He couldn't talk about it at all though because now I see how much he felt like he was in the middle between me and his family and he couldn't please us all. I simply wanted to discuss it and I didn't like that his brother could just tell us what we're doing/buying. Some of that is cultural, but I just wanted to discuss it. The more silent he'd be, the more I'd get upset and then he said his brother asked if he'd drive three hours back to pick them up at the airport in the middle of winter. One night I did yell at him just to get a rise out of him I guess but it just made him cry and feel hurt/scared of me. I wish I hadn't said anything, but I got upset because we hadn't even talked about his brother's other request. We had never really fought before and he didn't know how to handle a "conflict" and so he just shut down. A month later when his parents came, his family didn't stop asking me "what's wrong with him? is there something at work? he's not happy..." I felt like he and I hadn't had a chance to resolve this between us privately, so I didn't feel comfortable talking to his family about it. Two weeks after his parents were here, he ended up in the hospital for a week with blood in urine and bad kidney pain. The doctors said it may have been a blood vessel that had burst. There was no permanent damage, but the family was convinced that he was sick because of "stress" since the doctors never found any other cause and so they were all convinced that it was "stress" because he was unhappy in his marriage. I was so hurt by this. Yes, I often got picky or upset or nagging for small things, but it wasn't all the time and I was such a loving wife too.
His mom told him some untrue, hurtful things when he was in the hospital. Told him I didn't translate/tell her everything the doctor had told me. That simply was not true. Also, one night he stayed at his brother's house and I stayed at home. They took him to the Emergency room in the middle of the night and the next morning I called him to see how he felt while I was on my way to work. He said he was ok. I called again at my break and he told me he was in the ER again and had been there all night and they were about to do an angiogram on his kidney. I left work and went straight to the hospital. I couldn't believe his family never told me he was there all day. I can't imagine how mad they would've been at me if I hadn't told them he was there. When I got to the hospital, I saw his mom and I asked her where he was. She told me they had taken him already and I started to cry. I think I was exhausted and worried about him and sad I didn't get to see him or be there with him before this procedure. I then called my mom and and friend and I found a doc to speak with. My brother in law's wife was also there at the time and I told them I was going to go find the building they were bringing him to after the procedure. When I left, my sis in law texted me and told me we shouldn't cry in front of my husband. I was so hurt. H wasn't even there and it was the only time in a week of this i had cried and I had watched him mom cry all week and had always tried to comfort her. Later when the doc called me, I told my sis in law and mom everything he said and my sis in law said do you want to call h's brother to tell him and I said i'm kind of tired, do you want to call and she said ok. then i went to call my mom and a friend back. when i came back in room, mother in law yelled at me for not calling h's brother. I was shocked. She said i thought you were too tired to talk on the phone, so why were you on the phone and you couldn't even call his brother. his brother was so worried today that he cried. i was speechless. his brother cried? but i got in trouble with her for crying -at least his brother knew he was in the hospital. I was at work with no idea!
Long story- next day my dad came for a few days because I felt so alone there. my h's family was all mad at me and cold towards me because they said I didn't tell her everything the doctor said and I didn't "greet his mom" when I walked into the ER. My h was mad at me and stayed with brother for a week after getting out of hospital. When he came home, I tried not to say anything about his family, but then he brought it up and said it was my fault. I got upset and said I feel like they didn't respect me. H moved out a month later and the mother and father stayed in the country to "take care" of my husband. He said it wasn't going to work and that he was scared of me and that he wasn't happy, felt I was too needy and controlling and that it shouldn't be this hard. My husband didn't work for a month and barely spoke to me. I did some undivorcebusting friendly behavior. Called him crying, went to the hosptial for antidepressants, called h's friend since h wasn't talking to me. His mom was literally by his side for months. I did give him space, and only saw each other a few times in the fall. One time we saw each other, I was able to be a bit more calm and detached but the other two times, I was more anxious and clingy and did all the wrong things. He called me in Oct before taking a trip with his family and said dont wait for him and that he was tired of thinking for months so it was over. I asked do you want a divorce and he said yes.
So in late november I contacted him. I really thought it was over and he looked less angry at me. He said he had gotten family pressure and said it was always hard for him to disappoint me and said he could never disappoint his mom either. Once I sensed that he was unsure, I kind of pounced and was overly optimistic and cheerleadering instead of just validating. He acted confused and cried a lot. I said what do you want me to do- he said i want you to be independent. I said if we are going to try, then we need to see each other, spend time together and I know I came on too strong. I said do you want me to contact you and he said i dont know, no i will contact you. Then I found Michelle's books right after that and was able to back off again. I did text him and say I'm sorry for talking too much last time and he said no that I did listen to him more the last time. I then asked him last week out of the blue to go to a concert with me and he said he didn't feel like it, but then wrote oh didn't you go to your family's for christmas. I said i was on my way there. I thought it was a good baby step that he even wondered what I was doing. I'm just scared to do anything now. But I haven't seen him since november and haven't asked him much since then. I may ask him to meet for coffee or soemthing. he got some mail here and i told him and he said just keep it until i'll get it.....very vague.
i know i have to chill out and i've travelled and i'm doing a lot of yoga and doing other fun things/trying to have fun and work on myself and just do some things differently. But I do want to just get a tiny read on him. i know my mistake is to bring up relationship talks or to look for a big answer from him, but very hard to not act disappointed- but that's what he's so scared of is to disappoint me-that's what he didn't like about our relationship was his fear of disappointing me so now I have to even watch my facial expressions when I see him or the tone of my voice so that I dont show my disappointment. So hard!!
Thanks for reading all this if you got this far!! Yes, one of my "problems" is that I talk/write too much. Any suggestions on how to work on that or any other feedback would be welcomed!
I have talked to a DB coach and he suggested just going dark a bit or if I do contact H, just to keep it light.
I’m a longtime lurker, but first time poster. I am in need of some advice. I’ve been married 14 years and have three daughters (12,11,9). In September 2012, I had the bomb dropped on me that the marriage was dead and what was the point continuing on. She is a classic WAW who was not getting her emotional needs met. I will post more details on our background separately, but in short, I was crushed. Luckily, I discovered Divorce Busting and this forum. I’ve made great strides personally and feel like I’ve stopped the bleeding in our relationship. We continue to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. We get along great as parents and friends, but all forms of affection have ceased.
I feel like my wife is very confused about what she wants, which is to be expected. I think she loves me as a person and a father. She doesn’t want to hurt the family, but she’s not feeling romantic feelings for me. What advice can anyone give me to help bridge that gap in our relationship?
I'm struggling with small things like touching her back because I don't want it to come off as pursuing. However, one of my major mistakes in our relationship was not showing her enough affection. It's just tough to determine the next steps...
Me: 42 W: 39 M: 14 years T: 16 years D12 D11 D9 ILYBINILWY 09/14/12 Living Together In Limbo
I have been reading and reading and can't find any other stories similar to mine. Hopefully someone can offer advice for my sitch!
H told me he was unhappy 8/13. said he's "numb". I owned the complaints he had and started IC immediately and started changes . Things got better, but I intercepted a text to one of his friends that he was leaving me soon 12/13. He admitted his plan, ILYBNILWY speech, etc.
The next day he starts questioning his decision. A LOT of crying, wanted me to tell him what to do. I stayed relatively calm, told him he needed to decide for himself. He left to live with a friend the next day.
Saw him several days before Christmas, a lot of crying each time. He spent Christmas and New Years with his parents in FL. He came back last weekend and we had a 3 hour talk. This is the gist:
He has hope for US. Loves me more than he has ever loved another woman. We agreed to start having fun again- he called it dating, I did not.
We are still separated. I got the Post office notification that he changed his address today. I saw him yesterday and he told me he loved me.
WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO?????? Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
