OMs, cycling, cakes and confusion Oh my Lord ;)

[SM34]

Agreed. I'm starting to feel that anger stage that i had read about that occurs when the lbs chase is over and the WAS starts showing interest.

So my W went to spend some time with her friends to get her mind of things. When she came home just now, I had a splitting headache.

She said down and asked me 'so is there anything you want to ask me, or want me to tell you about what happened? I told that my head is pounding and I can't really even get up off the couch.

She went and got me a pillow, a cover, headache medicine and a head tie to put pressure on my temples (great trick I taught her).

After she got me all set up on the couch, she said in a kissing butt type of voice... 'did you see my facebook post?'. I said what post? She said 'the one i just posted on your page. When I checked, it said happy early birthday. Its going to be a good one

I told her thanks and clicked like on the post and then tot back to laying down. Didnt say much else really.

Ten minutes later I hear her heavy breathing on the other couch and it turns out she fell asleep. She's so edhausted emotionally and physically that she fell asleep in the same clothes she had gone out in.
.
My anger coming on strong is normal right? As I feel some pursuit its bringing on feelings of me being second choice. She will have to work for it. I need proof that I'm not second. Is that wrong? .

To anyone reading this, please refer to my previous post ror the updated sitch.

[2stubborn2quit]

Your anger is completely justified. Bad news, you probably have to temper it like you had to with the desperate chasing of WAS.

Make no serious decisions. Take time to settle you emotions, have communication with your W and as you both heal, you'll see if she's sucking up as some sort of regret against the OM or if she's properly committing to the M…and you have to see if you still want R…Best of luck to you, this is a suck @$$ situation.

[Accuray]

W had her OM, and had you waiting on the shelf for her -- that was a VERY comfortable position. Now the OM is gone, and she feels VERY afraid of being alone. If she can keep you on the shelf, that's going to help her get through this so she will try extra hard to keep you in place until she feels you're where she wants you. Your challenge is to not mistake the rebound for a declaration that she wants you back and is willing to do the work.

At the same time, you don't want to frustrate her by just being inaccessible. I would continue to wait and see. If she keeps making overtures, I would tell her that you're willing to discuss working on your marriage together, but nothing is going to happen until you have that discussion. At that point you will stipulate your conditions. You might want to insist that she pursue IC, or MC together, or Retrovaille, and you might want to discuss a post-nup in case she cheats again that will stipulate what will happen from a custody and financial perspective.

Good luck! With OM gone you have a real chance of getting to piecing, but you want to make sure it's on reasonable terms.

Acc

[SM34]

Thanka accuray, your knowledge and wisdom has always been spot on. Please stay with me, and check in regularly. This is going to change by the hour I think.

So this morning she slept in. I took D3 on a drive in the car, picked up breakfast etc.

Got home. W came out and laid down on the couch. Ten minutes later she erupts into a sobbing frenzy. Honestly I was stunned. ....

Then she says "would you mind terribly giving me a hug?". I went over and hugged her and she cried and cried, and cried some more. D3 thought this was awesome! She climbed ontop of us and put her arms around both of us and made kissing noises and giggled uncontrollably.

I realized at that point that she had never seen us being affectionate to each other, and it hurt. I was holding back tears, not for my w or for my pain, but for D3. It [censored] to feel like you are not providing a healthy exanple of a good marriage. Perhaps we can show her how it works, in time.

After a long hug, I felt w mov her arms to wrap around both D3 and I. It was a nice moment. For about five minutes I felt like ny family was complete. Its a good feeling.

I pulled away again and was chasing D3 around the house. When we passed W again, she was smiling. I was deliberatly putting on a display of the fun we could all have. I want her to think hard, feel the pain she put is through. Not in a vengeful way, but in a loving way. I want her to fall in love with no just me, buy HER family, OUR family.

Later while we played together witb D3, she told me thank yiu for tthe hug I really needed that. I said, of course.

Its hard now. I'm holding back on a lot of anger that I need to release. Not on her, somehow. Any suggstions? My thoughts are....

I didn't have anyone to hug me when you pulled the rug from under my feet...

I didn't have anyone to look after D3 while I moped around. And she was D2 back then, and before any of the special school program she is in now that has taught her to focus. She was out of control and I took care of her on my own, after the bomb, while I had to bare the pain of her being wth OM.

I didn't have someone to run to. I don't have family in our town. She has already had several vists from her mom to talk and to hug and cry. I did this, ALONE. More alone than she could ever imagine.

But I'm working through these feelings. She needs time to process the devastatiomn she caused, and I need time to overcome the anger and resentment. I am working on it. Hard. And fast. There is no time for bad feelings. We have a family to rebuild.

Thanks for being here for me everyone. I truely feel honored and blessed to have you all.

[2stubborn2quit]

It's like you lived my life there. Similar thing. I had no friends, no life, no activities, no one to talk to while I was in shock from the BD but she had her life, her network of friends she prepped to help her...she was out drinking with her friends who "took her out to make her feel better" while I was left alone with the kids to stew in the S#** by myself.

You have no reason to feel bad about your anger, it's normal and you need to ride it out. Just do it by hitting the gym extra hard or something like that...maybe talk to a friend you trust, talk smack about her with a safe person who understands...you can even post your rants here, no one's going to judge you.

Congrats on the healing, as difficult as it is.

[Crimson]

Hey SM - I still tag along on your deal here from time to time. You have made a real amount of progress from when you initially showed up here. Good for you and your family!

You seem to be in an interesting position now - but accuray is quite right - try not to be the rebound if your w is struggling not to be alone. OM seems to be fading fast but you don't want to be a bridge to whatever is next. She has proved that she is capable of doing it once - and as my father once (wisely) told me, once you do the wrong thing once it is much, much easier to do a second time. Wait for her head to stop spinning - and when it does, if she is still there, lovingly suggest you both get help to get things back on track.

With regard to your anger - I totally get it. You, at a bare minimum, want her to acknowledge what your feelings were and what you went through. When my XW came back this past spring for a little while I think I pushed too hard for that. It's not going to come when you want, if at all. You really, really, really have to forgive. Or work at forgiveness - and it is hard, hard, hard work to move past what you experienced. I, too, was left with a little one (he was 16 months at the time) and I was a walking zombie both physically and emotionally trying to take care of him. I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted her to acknowledge that when she came back - it was an unreasonable expectation considering where we were.

Hang in there.

Crimson

[SM34]

Thanks guys. OM ia definetly out of the picture. She blew up his world apprently...talked to the girl he cheated on/with, as well as OMs mother. Told her about her sons cheating an std and everything.

W told me to block OM number from my phone because he will call me to start some sh!t. I told her I bet you he won't call me. People like that are cowards. No calls yet and its been 48 hours.

She just had another meltdown with more I'm sorries and sobbing. I still haven't responded. I smile, genuinely but no mention of the apologies being enough. Let her stew in it for a while.

I have an issue for new years. Last year i stayed home while D3 slept. Watched fireworks on tv on my own and she wenr to stay with OM. It also happens to be my birthday at midnight so its a biiig deal...

I promised myseld a year ago that i would never again let that happen. So I had plans with some friends for this year. Nothing extravagant, just going to a house party...

So i think you all seee the problem already. We spent 13 new years/birthday together and one apart. I can't be that jerk and leave her to spend it alone. What do I do?

[2stubborn2quit]

ummmm....yes you can be that guy who made plans and goes out with his friends...she can spend time with her D and watch the fireworks or she can join you if she feels up to it.

[sandi2]

By the way, I am absolutely terrified of STDs. That has kept me in line my whole life!! The thought of cobtracting something makes m sick to my stomach...

So in all honesty I'm not sure what I wiuld do if sex became an option. My DB coach thought I needed to suck it up and prove my desire for her if I want her to see it is there.. of ciurse she said only if I was comfortable with the STD angle.

Well, I'm glad you didn't follow that advice!

So, she has been yanked out of the fairy tale with a big bite of reality and she's upset. She should be! It's sad to think it took getting a STD to do it. Frankly, I think she takes it for granted that the M is back on. You have stood waiting in the wings, hoping the A would end, so naturally she sees you as option B now. Why wouldn't she?

I don't think you know exactly what you want. It may take a few days before you'll be able to think clearly. After all, this has been rather shocking for you also, even though you knew it could happen. You were unprepared to know how to deal with it.
It's normal to have anger and resentment, and she even knows you should feel that way.

I hardly think your M will resume to a state of perfect happiness without professional help. Finding the right counselor is difficult, but you both need it. Both of you need to deal with "why" she had an A in the first place. IMO, she needs to hear about your anger and resentment of all she's put you through.

I am not suggesting that you set about a plan of punishment, but at the same time, I do not believe you should eagerly make it all a piece of cake for her either. The very idea that she brings a STD home and asks you for a hug! If it were not for the test results, she would be spending New Year's with OM. Just stay focused here. You have a shot (if you want it) at having a better MR with her. But if you welcome her back into your arms without any discussions or requirements from her, then she will never respect or desire you as a H. That's just my opinion.

I believe forgiveness is a must, if you intend to continue staying together. Forgiveness for past hurts has to be a continual act. You may discover that it's not as easy to keep forgiving day after day......every time those thoughts pop into your mind, b/c things happen to trigger memories (as you already know). That is another reason you need professional guidance in how to proceed. Your M deserves to be healthy and most couples need help in areas such as this.

I don't think you need to focus on showing her how much fun it can be staying M to you. There was a time and place for doing that, but now is not the time. You have entered into a different phase. Most of the work of reconciling should be her responsibility, but you will have a part.

I think you went so long trying to woe her back and show her what a good H you were....that now you aren't sure what to do so you fall back into that pattern. You are still worried about your next move. I guess I'm trying to say that she needs this time to be repentant and if you cut it short by trying to make it too easy for her....you aren't doing her any favors, and certainly not your M. She got caught and if she hadn't she would still be in the A. So nothing has been worked out. She has cried a lot b/c she's faced with circumstances of her A, and she has said she's sorry b/c she knows she did you wrong. But so much more needs to be done. Has she expressed shame? I think she is very angry at OM, but is she ashamed of her actions? I just see a cheater who is anger at getting a does of her own medicine, and feeling pretty sorry for herself.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not suggesting you kick her while she's down. I'm not suggesting you kick her at all. I am saying she needs time of feeling sorry and ashamed for what she has done......which is different from feeling sorry for herself.

I am suggesting that you not get into a hurry about anything. If you aren't ready to express forgiveness, tell her you have a lot to consider before you tell her anything. If she asks about your feelings, tell her the same thing....you have a lot to consider before answering.

I personally think that a WAW who gets caught in an A needs to wonder if her H will take her back so easily. She already took you for granted and disrespected you, so in order for her to get over this A and have a healthy R with you, she needs to want to be your W b/c she knows she loves you and doesn't want to look at another man. That is why she must do the necessary work and pursuit. It's kind of like hard labor before birth. It's not easy and not pleasant, but it is sure worth it.

Give yourself some time to think about all of this.

[SM34]

Sandi those are wise words! I've seen and read similar posts from you written to other lbs husbands. And I've thought the same this whole journey. That first I needed to get her to want our marriage, but at that point she needs to prove it..

She has wanted out so many times in our marriage. She always had a nagging feeling that since I was her first, she never shopped around.

I also know from her friends that she was telling them she had her doubts about marrying me. And during the A she had confirmed in her mind that I was the wrong guy for her.

There is also something else that I think will be one of my conditions before we put our rings back on. She never changed her last name to mine!! Our daughter amd I have my last name and she doesn't. This has always been something that bothered me but I never put my foot down.
She as an only child and so she thinks she is carrying her dads last name to keep it alive. Even her dad thought that was ridiculous and wanted her to change it. She has male cousins who will keep the name alive, and so I think I need to keep that as a condition. To show good faith amd a committment to being a part of our family.

Honestly the last name is a sore spot for me. I'm middle eastern and that old skool streak is strong. Not into the new age keep my maiden name, or hyphenate our last name. She is my wife and needs to have the same last name. I am in no way supprting what I am about to say, but I say it as an illustration of how far I have strayed from my background in order to make her happy....women become a part of their husbands family and are no lonher tied to their family of origin. That is how it is on our culture...

I bent so far for her that she lost respect for me. So sandi you are right. I need to stand firm and demand a show of respect and commitment...or the marriage is a no go

This is the least I have ever been emotionally invested in this marriage. Its a chance to correct the respect factor and the balance of power. Take it or leave it.