The dental and health insurance policies I haven't checked on yet but the auto insurance shouldn't be a problem. Honestly I was going to keep her on dental and health till things were done or she figured out what she really wants. I'd hate for anything to happen and she would need the insurance too. But just say they will be changed soon but for the time being she will remain on there.
I'm not supporting her by sending money or anything she requests. I just can't. And it messes with me because she knows me, she did always depend on me, and how I feel. Is she trying to use or manipulate? I thought maybe it was a test on her part to see if I was still there for her or something. Idk. She has to realize she can't depend on me especially in the situation we are now in.
She needs reality in her fantasy land. I was going to let her know these things and she what happens. In a nice not a-hole way but strong and to the point. I have to stand up for myself, not put up with mess, and be a man about it. I don't think she's expecting me to. It's a 180 and I can't continue to be a doormat, for anyone.
Whether or not she is keeping me as a backup after she does her thing idk. But I know she expects me to stay living and working here. Wth? And there's people to let her know any updates or news about me. Her parents and mutual friends here so I have to be careful what I do and say around them.
And she doesn't seem to be moving on anything and I don't get it. She was set on divorce a few weeks ago (told me she "wasn't sure we could stay married") but nothing is done. She lost her ID here a few weeks before she left. So no license or ID. She wanted me to send paperwork (birth certificate, marriage license) so she could get one. Why would I make this easier for her? She can go get a copy of what she needs but isn't. I thought the delay was a good thing for me.
From what I understand she needs to prove residency for 90 days before filing (back in her home state). I was hoping this window of time would be an opportunity for things to turn around. Now I'm not sure. And the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me about us or talk to anyone else about it doesn't look good.
I agree with what you said. In a sense one way or another the marriage you had is GONE. Either you'll keep going in a different direction or a new marriage will have to be built. If she doesn't do her work and /or you don't do your work, then the reconciliation you hope for is much less likely.
crazy days. sorry t hear you had this happen. I wish you luck. my wife has been gone since 12/5. Only having essential contact. fun times.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Yeah. I'm willing to start with a clean slate, work out our issues, and go forward. A lot of work but I'm willing. She isn't at this point in time. I hope she changes her mind but idk. Trying to be patient.
I do find it funny that you here about people complaining about a lack of real men who want to help and be good fathers and are capable, caring people. but there are many here. and there are people who just walk away from it, even though we ask then to stay and fight for it.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
That 'being a doormat or am i really being nice/helpful' is a tough line to find. Trust me, i certainly don't know where it is.....
I have brought up the book 'no more mister nice guy' before, have you heard of it BH? No one responded on whether they were familiar with it or whether it was considered bad to be used in conjunction with d'bing.
It conflicts somewhat with the d'bing so i am not sure. But, a lot of it rang true to my ears! I remember early on in my R with wife I had no trouble making my opinion known. As time went on it seems i stuffed my opinion because i didn't want the stress of an argument.
I think in some part, that changed me to the degree that made my wife make the decision to move out. Reminds me of the joke of a wife spending 20 years changing her husband and then complaining he isn't the man she married
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My problem is that I'm too dependable. For W and others. I've made myself a doormat in many ways. I have to stand up, stand my ground, be a man, and stick it out.
I love my W but her recent actions and decisions are making things more complicated and harder for me.
Tensions are rising here as well. Wife announced she was going to move out yesterday....as soon as she finds a place. She got into an argument with my 18y son, basically told him he would have to leave if they didn't have a discussion about some subject. I intervened which did not make her happy.
They are like two mountain goats that just keep ramming their heads together until someone collapses. I suggested they both take 20 minutes and then talk again. During that twenty minutes I talked to my son about respecting his mother. I talked to my wife that perhaps she could change a bit in the way she talks to him (more like a 12 year old then a 18 year old). And, that if they both changed their mode of arguing, perhaps it would be more productive.
She is one of the most stubborn people i know. Has to be right. Up to now i have been seeing how she needs space. I am starting to wonder if i need the space as well..... Perhaps we have that in common BH! I certainly confess how i am at least 50% responsible for our situation......I don't think she ponders that at all, just wants out.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My W is stubborn as well. I am too. MIL would joke that we were the most stubborn people but I was the worst and our kid would be mule headed lol.
I hung out with friends lastnite and drank too much. I did on Christmas eve too. Not good. And both nights I slept in the truck instead of coming home. I've noticed I had been avoiding the house on several occasions. I can't do that.
It's cold and starting to snow. Whenever it did we would cuddle and watch horror movies. It was one of our past times. I'm missing her a lot.
Today I plan to pack more of her stuff, clean up the house some, and try to stay calm. I had a panic attack yesterday with it. Seems pretty common.
Idk when my in laws will be here. That's giving me anxiety. They should've started heading this way Friday but idk. I haven't heard anything.
I am going to tell W that The insurance policies will soon be changed but she'll be on there for the time being. The house is in the process of being packed. I cannot send her anything, especially money. I'm not the one to be supporting her now.
I thought I'd word it like that. Straight forward, not too nice, not too mean. I was having a hard time with exactly what to say and how to word it. Which is messed up because I should be able to talk to her easily. But things are different now and I have to stand strong, confident, and not be weak anymore. 180. It'll change things. I think it'll freak her out some. She will be pissed, scared, and hopefully reality will hit her. I don't expect a reply right away.
We were having contact by text every week. Mostly a hello and asking how are you. Her reply was always, "good. I hope that you are well." So not human, not her normal self.
There is a 'nmmng' website but i didn't find it very useful. I think the book may help you a bit. It seems like everything in life is a conglomeration of many different things. Perhaps becoming a better person and attempting to get one's marriage back can be as well. Little bit of DR, little bit of nmmng, little bit of GAL'ing.
At least for me the reading of several different sources keeps my mind occupied! Certainly not perfect at this d'bing. Just reading self help books is a 180.
Went to lunch today with wife and the two small children. Pleasant time but hard to do knowing that in essence, it most likely has no positive influence on the soon to be waw. I am really starting to think that perhaps i do need the space as well.
Ever been in one of those dating relationships where you break up, get back together, break up, get back together? Getting back together is, (in these dating experiences i am describing) easier and less immediately painful.
Not necessarily the correct long term thing to do, but a caving in to the pain/avoiding the short term pain. Perhaps my 20 year marriage is like that. I am starting to have doubts about it myself. How about you BH?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
