OMs, cycling, cakes and confusion Oh my Lord ;)

[SM34]

Correction... she didn't want out so many times DURING our marriage. I meant before...during the time we lived together but weren't married. She has also left ome time during that time but was back within 2 weeks. Stayed at her moms.

[melissag]

SM, this coud be a very good development in your sitch. I hope that it will help your W to come to her senses. In the meantime, you do need to think about what you want. I sometimes wonder if DBing!(as it relates to the spouse) is like a dog chasing a squirrel - what would the dog do if he ever caught it?

You may get different advice from others, but I think that demanding that your W take your name is a bad idea. The way you said it, it sounds to me like you are judging her reasoning for keeping her name based on your own beliefs, and completely invalidating her feelings on the matter. She has her reasons for wanting to keep it; you have yours for wanting her to take yours. Presumably the end result of your negotiations way back when was that you accepted (or at least agreed to) her keeping her name. Demanding that she change it now just seems like grasping at straws for some kind of control or power.

And you do realize that her taking your name will not make her stay in the M, right? I don't really understand what the benefit is to you, other than to rack up a "win." You cannot make your W respect you as a man by trying to forcefully renegotiate what you already agreed to some years ago. JMO.

[SM34]

Melissa let me clarify. If she told her friends that she had doubts about marrying me, and at the same time didn't change her name the same way every one of her girlfriends did, then she had one foot out the whole time.

Marriage only works when there is finality. I learned that from Dobson. Fo her to show some that she views it as final, she should change her name. I'm not saying that in a bad way. Maybe I would simply suggest it to her...like...

W: what can I do to make you believe that this wil not happen again, and that I am fully invested in this marriage.

Me: Changing your name to match mine and our daughter, might be a start.

[melissag]

I see what you are saying, but I think you may be making false assumptions.

I couldn't possibly have had both feet more in when H and I got married. Yet I did seriously consider keeping my name, for much the same reasons your W did.

What if your W agreed to change her name, but was then resentful the way you apparently have been all this time? I don't see how this helps the M.

I am not familiar with the finality concept, but I would be willing to bet that most of us here were pretty sure that the wedding vows sealed the deal . . . .

[SM34]

I never really had bad feelings as far as the name change. This is only come up since the A, the realization that she doesnt respect me enough, is not invested I'm our family, and is telling everyone she had doubts. Thats kind of made me wonder if that was why there was never a name change.

However, I think I'm just angry at this point. I think the name change thing is me being a baby . Darn it, I want to be a baby and be petty sometimes! Does it always have to be her? Lol

On a more serious note, I don't want to get ahead of myself, she hasn't mentiond wanting to work on th marriage. I've been cautioned many times, especially hy the ladies here (adinva, 25years, sandi, gabbysmom etc..) that just because the A is over doesn't mean its back to our marriage she goes. Maybe she has other plans. Maybe she has someone else in mind. I honestly don't think so, but i don't want to be naiive and certainly don't want to have my heart broken again. Next time around I think I would turn into a monster! I don't want that.

[SM34]

Dobson's view that a successful marriage is built on its finality. As long as one or both partners believes there is an out clause, the motivation to push through the tough times is just not there...

I had asked my wife on one of our earliest dates of she thought divorce was acceptable. Her answer was that if someone is unhappy and has tried everything, then yes. I took it as a reasonable answer, since my 20 year old mind was convinced that if we ever got married she would be happy all the time..and more importantly that she would actually TRY EVERYTHING before throwing in the towel.

Of couse we've all understood thar in the WAS mind they HAVE tried everything. But in our case i think that's sinply not true. She has never suggested we go to counseling, never suggested we sit with some older and wiser family members, or that I should talk to my dad or my mom, or even her dad or her mom to find ways to make her happy.

Which is why I've always felt that my wife in particular was not a disatisfied as some others I've seen here. She had no prior plan for how to take care of herself without me, had not mentioned being unhappy to anyone, had plans for us as far forward as five years etc etc. I feel she fell victim to not shielding her heart from selfish self centered narcissists such as douche OM. Of course she has her complaints about our marriage, but I just don't think it was premeditated, as mant WAS seem to do.

Perhaps soon ill actually hear the reasons from an actual sane wife who is not under the influence of oxytocin, adrenaline, testosterone, etc... that powerful blend that only comes from affairs.

[SM34]

The monster munch has run out. The beast will eventually die, and the wife will be able to walk ouf of its belly... or so I hope.

[SM34]

I just went to the gas station to get a few things and sat outside to type the last couple of posts. Just got a text from wife...

W: Did you run away from home?

[planet]

SM34,
Noticed something regarding my sit and yours.
My XW did mention of quitting multiple times while we were dating every time she feels 'unloved'. Many reasons I'm not sure of. We did break up one time but for a very short period...more like in hours. There's an OM too.
However, we got married. I'm her first love and she is mine. The first few years she never mention the word 'Divorce'. It only appears the last couple of years.

My question is it possible that your W is a 'runner'?
W runs every time she's afraid and if she didn't find any shelter (OM), she comes back to you.
In your case, she ran from OM and found a shelter in you.
It is possible that she understands this?
Some people just runs...

[SM34]

Planet, that is a good question, amd I have no answer for it. Its one of those things she would have to explore with a therapist or by looking inward. I'm not sure why her flight response is triggered like that...

I mean I have my own theories but I've been told many times here that those are all theories and not concrete.

Like the fact that her mom left her dad, and that is a poor example. Wife was 13 at the time and at the very beginning of womanhood and very impressionable.

Like the fact that hwr mom is still married to her OM, 18 years later. She uses it as proof that you CAN find the right person. Although mother in law needs a lot of therapy and medicatiomln to this day, in order to be happy.

I also think there was some mlc mixed in. Women go through an dificult transition in their early thirties with young kids and life stresses. If they are not emotionally healthy, the pressure can be too much.

I love my wife very much, despite the mess she has created. Ill always have a special place in my heart for that woman. She really was an incredible person, and I hope i can again enjoy that persons return. The imposter I've dealt with for thirteen month is not the woman I married.

She's inside now putting D3 to bed. Not sure how this evening will go.