Wow. That was painful. Just went through the finances...assets, debts, expenses. Hopefully helped open soon to be waw's eyes. After all expenses currently, left with $1k per month. Best case scenario.....for her to move out, maybe $700 per month, leaving us both $150/month discretionary.
Didn't discuss anything beyond the finances and the hypothetical rent expense. Doing ok today with the d'bing.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
After the finance discussion, my wife is in a better mood! possibly one more step in her process of gaining space. For the love of god, i hope this thing works out.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Watching my spouse be in a better mood is like a slap in the face. I didn't show any emotion, yes i am wallowing in self pity, but holy F(#$..... To have someone you love just basically not give a s($# about you....tearing me apart.
I know logically the reasons, I know I am not the only one. Hurt leads to wanting to get angry. Oh how good it would feel (temporarily and causing damage) to just vent at her. Man, to be able to call her names, tear her down, give her a turn at crying.
I know, I know. I needed to vent.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tried a 180 tonight. Wife got home from work and i offered to cook her dinner. She declined as she stated she wanted one scrambled egg and it 'has to be done a certain way, but you can cook me something tomorrow".
So then i was chatty (which isn't normal behavior for me. Didn't seem to work. I think she is getting desperate to get out. I could almost sense her screaming inside....maybe i was reading it the wrong way but I don't think that 180 worked.
I know she desperately thinks she needs space. I discussed the idea of leaving kids in our house all week and her and i rotating out. She lives here for 4 days, i live here for three days. Meanwhile she lives at her mom's, possibly i do as well, or my fathers (his second wife doesn't really care for me much, so not sure this is an option). Anyway, great way to save money.
My wife's initial reaction to my suggestion was that 'it seemed more like a vacation that way and not really a separation'. That was two days ago. A brief discussion about adding some stuff to our finance list this evening I had asked her if that was still her reaction upon thinking about the idea. She said 'yes, still don't like it'.
I can see that as an area where we will definitely butt heads. However, unless money starts falling from the sky....seems the most financially sound idea.
I mean to give her space but should I allow her actions to put us in financial jeopardy? I know i can't control her, I know this idea would be best for the kids, but i have always handled the finances. She doesn't have much of an idea of the reality of unexpected expenses popping up etc.
Seriously we are about 1k per month in the black. Minus the stuff I remembered to put on the expense list tonight, puts it at about $850. And that doesn't include things like kids clothes, birthday presents, you know, those expenses that just seem to pop up. If she indeed moves out into her own place, at best i calculate $700 per month....leaves $150 to split between us for a month.
That margin is way too thin. We are already max'd on credit, there is no buffer. How do i push my agenda? Should i push my agenda? She needs space....maybe my idea doesn't give her that sense of space, maybe in the long term we need to live on the edge of our finances....if that gave her the space she needed to possibly change her mind about our R.
There should really be an anti-divorce pill one could get a prescription for.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My wife just came to me downstairs (private from the kids) and said she talked to a lawyer today. She asked what normally happens in this type situation and the lawyer supposedly told her 'usually the man moves out of the house, as she is the primary care giver, that way less traumatic for the children).
I asked, 'are we separating or getting a divorce' and she said she thinks they both lead to the same end, at least in this situation. Is she really the primary caregiver? yes, she picks up the kids and drops them off to school, however we both work. Arrrggg, least of my concerns. Semantics.
How can i stall to give time for 180's etc to work? Do i meekly go away? I fear if i tell her to get lost and she has to move out.....next step hiring of lawyers? Last thing I can afford or really want! Wow, life is crumbling down around me!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I wonder if my wife has expected me to be yelling by now. I probably would have if not for reading divorce busting. Started divorce remedy now. She sure did give me an odd look when telling me about what lawyer said from above.
I listened.........then silence for awhile.........and i responded with 'that is interesting'. She then asked 'that is it'? i said yes, then she said ok and left.
Now that i think about it i would have to say that is quite different from any similar type situation.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I have decided to go to IC this Thursday. Something my wife mentioned i could use some of several months ago. I this particular, I agree. Have some family/self esteem/codependency issues i could use some help on. Now i will get some extra bang for my buck as i am sure the separation will be heavily discussed!
I told my wife I was going around 10pm. Asked for her thoughts/outside opinion...just to see if it meshed with my ideas. In addition, it was almost a blatant way to talk about R. Assuming any 'issues' she thought i had most likely effected her feelings/reactions towards me.
We had a small talk about this concept of my moving out. She tells me based on lawyers message that it is best for the kids. I stated i wasn't quite sure and i saw no difference for the children if the children stayed in the house and she and i swapped locations (her staying at her mom's in non custody days, me at my dads). In addition, we have no financial solvency and i think it is a big risk to add additional expenses such as an apartment.
Going to my dad's tomorrow to drop off xmas presents. Will update him on our situation, see if he volunteers any help, such as a place to live several days a week. Might not be something he will agree to as we don't get along the best (at least, me and my step mom don't).
Friday is a customer's party i will be going to by myself. Wondering if i should spend the night somewhere....to be a little dark, make the wife wonder. Probably not a good idea, seems like it borders on manipulation.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
