Perhaps the frustration, but more so the numbness that comes with the WAW lack of emotion.........is what the WAW felt all the time leading up to the BD!
We went to counseling once and one of the things we tried to work through/change was not letting stuff build up. You know, you are irritated about x and y for two weeks, and then the tiny tiny z takes place and 'explosion'. The BD is like the ultimate version of that.
Thanks for the link scott, and the feedback Mr. Fly.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My wife started an R conversation last night. In our previous conversation when she asked what i was thinking i had told her that i was just concentrating on working on myself. That either way, whether we stayed together or not, I would at least become a better person.
In addition, I mentioned that living together but being seperated was very emotionally difficult for me. I had stated that somewhere down the road if things continued on as they were, that i might ask her to move out. I stated that I would only do that if it became to emotionally painful for me to handle.
Last night the opening line of our conversation was her saying that she was hurt by my nonchalant way of possible asking her to leave. I had replied that if she could step into my mind and see how painful this process was that she would totally understand that my possibly asking her to leave was in no way a non thoughtful or flippant remark.
She asked me what I thought her choices were at this time. I stated that we could continue on as is, me giving her space, me working on me, and that if I change, then our relationship must also change. That that change may help build her trust to the point that part of the emotional wall she has built might get a crack in it and we could proceed from there.
I mentioned that this was a huge wake up call for me. She asked how she could have space without moving out. I told her i was giving her space by not bringing R talk up. I forgot to mention that i wasn't texting her or emailing her at all. Back to the concept of how painful this was for me on a daily basis, i mentioned that if i wasn't working on giving her space, i would be constantly talking about the R!
Anyone think i am revealing my hand to much in these type conversations. really only the second or third R talk we have had since the BD.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I think you put it out in a way that, hey im doing my work, now its up to you to do your part.
Its comes off as total pressure on her so YOU can proceed.
She isn't feeling like she could miss you, she now knows your there waiting for her. You are constantly making her feel YOUR emotional side of things, and making her feel guilty for them, or making sure you get your point across.
Everytime you make it about your feelings, your pushing her further and further away.
The 37 rules are a general set of rules to help you detach, make you more mysterious, help you deal with your own emotions in a non pressure way. Basically the whole set is a theory on how to conduct yourself, sure you can tweak a few, but they're there as a whole idea. I'm not sure you get the idea.
Where was the listening, where did you validate any of her feelings? Did she get a chance? or was she made to feel so guilty about not putting in the work and having a wall up?
The scary part is when she asked how she could have space without moving out. This is a HUGE red flag, again your response was only about the work you think you were doing. listen? validate?
The first paragraph, and responses were vague, even risky in a way that she could lose you cause your working on yourself? a maybe it will maybe it wont attitude. CORRECT!!! that's mysterious, that's about you working on you. Then you opened Pandora's box.
Ok, sorry, im going to put my 2x4 back in the closet. Try to forget I have it. If you read divorce rememdy, then I think you need to read it again.
24 days (since you signed in) is not a lot of time to even change your underwear
Give her all the space and time she needs. If she brings up wanting to move out, you can say that while it is not what you want, you would not stand in her way.
2.5 months without sex. If you're standing for your marriage then it's gonna be a longer ride than that.
She (guaranteed) is still insecure about her looks and weight and any attention from anyone else is wonderful but scary.
Three relationship talks since BD is three too many.
AA is a great place for support.
By the way, asking her to move out? Do you want to save your marriage or not? She doesn't really care about how you feel and from her perspective, she said she was done and you cemented her thinking with the I may ask you to move out.
Of course it's tough on you, but you get an opportunity to really look at yourself and change the things you don't like.
FOTW had a lot of excellent points. I suggest you listen.
OK. Hmmmm. I evidently must reread the 37 rules. I haven't been lambasted like this since early on in AA! Helpful and painful, just like it was back then.
Thanks for the input.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I'm sorry, I know that came off a bit harsh, you just seem to really be in a hurry to get this over with one way or the other. I'm not sure why your pushing so hard.
Kate and I are just trying to say, its sooooo EARLY. Its all raw for you, added in with the holidays, your acting on pure emotion. That's to be expected after just a few weeks.
We're trying to help you, not critique you. Your making some of the most basic of mistakes right now. We've all been there. We just want you to see what your doing is not helping a thing/you/her right now. You need to do your best to step back, take a breath, and figure out a plan for yourself.
Nothing major, start with plans for tomorrow only. Work from there. Give yourself to the process, trust me, you'll get to a place emotionally/mentally/physically that you will be coping much better. Its going to take time thou. Are you willing to give it some time?
Well, wife told me today that she had made the decision the other day to move out. Based on the checking account activity it was on the 20th. Sigh.
I wasn't upset with anyone's advice. Now, as we enter the discussion of exactly when she moves out, what items she will take etc........how helpful do i act? Do i physically help her move items? Do i drive them in my truck to her 'new place' and actually help move her in?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I think she isn't moving until Feb. 1st. Not sure, haven't spoken yet.....
So we have a month of planning i think. Who gets what, where the children are and when. How do i handle all that? Holy F*#$. I keep telling myself 'this is what she needs.....she feels this is the only way......if I love her then i need to let her do this....', it helps to take some of the focus off my feelings of self pity. Darn women anyway!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
So talking to wife about her moving out. She had an offer from her mom to move in however that wouldn't work as my 8 year old is pretty allergic to mil's cat.
Now I had an idea. If waw wanted to, she could live at her mother's for half the week without children, other half here at our house. When she is here for her 'custody' time, i would be gone, either also at mil's or possibly my father's.
Would save some trauma for the kids, would save us a ton of money. However, it does relive the waw of the burden of the whole moving scenario, expense, hardships involved. If i was to pursue this idea, would it rob her of the experience of escaping, the sense of space she needs? Would the situation of living at her mother's be too familar? Lacking the shock of a 'real move' and potentially the (good for me) understanding that living alone would be hard?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
