Me 14 months on, affair confirmed, someone new?

[hotwheelsaust]

Went and saw the new Hobbit movie with S21, the other s19 had already seen it with W and SIL.
Just another nice time.
Leaving soon to spend some time with my lady friend.

[hotwheelsaust]

Just a question to the group:
1. On another forum I was reading about vanishers, these are the WAS's who just up and leave without telling/talking or seeing anyone.
Now while I feel my W in those terms may not be a vanisher, it certainly rings a lot of bells when I think she wants to stay in the country with no friends or family around. And visit family and friends only during the school holidays. Also it rings a bell when I think that she doesn't wish to contact me for any reason.
So the question is, can anything be done to improve or work on this type of person? Or do we continue to just stay dark?
2. Can someone give some explanation to why the W didn't discuss or put any input into our son's two biggest things in life so far. His 21st and engagement announcement. I struggle to understand how the W didn't discuss anything leading up to the 21st with regards to organising the party/present or just general stuff. Neither can I understand how she can completely ignore that our son got engaged (in regards to me, not ignoring the son), with no "great news" or "didn't see that coming". But all I got was a text 1 hour after the news about where is the jetski?
3. Do I bring up the subject that I know the W is in a relationship with the other woman? I don't know if my sons know, if not, should they be told?

I am dealing quite well with a lot of the sitch, moving on quite easily and not focusing on the W anywhere near what I used to do.
But I do find I need some answers still.

[Wonka]

Hi there, HWA. It's your lucky day...getting a post from me before hitting the road for NYE celebrations here in the good ol' USA.

1. On another forum I was reading about vanishers, these are the WAS's who just up and leave without telling/talking or seeing anyone.
Now while I feel my W in those terms may not be a vanisher, it certainly rings a lot of bells when I think she wants to stay in the country with no friends or family around. And visit family and friends only during the school holidays. Also it rings a bell when I think that she doesn't wish to contact me for any reason.
So the question is, can anything be done to improve or work on this type of person? Or do we continue to just stay dark?

What has worked for me is sending Ms. Wonka texts about once a month. Friendly, fun and upbeat. Slipped some humor in it. How about wishing your W a Happy New Year for a starter text? Remember how I regaled stories about my lil' glacier that is Ms. Wonka here in the forums? Be prepared for either no or slow movement from your W.

2. Can someone give some explanation to why the W didn't discuss or put any input into our son's two biggest things in life so far. His 21st and engagement announcement. I struggle to understand how the W didn't discuss anything leading up to the 21st with regards to organising the party/present or just general stuff. Neither can I understand how she can completely ignore that our son got engaged (in regards to me, not ignoring the son), with no "great news" or "didn't see that coming". But all I got was a text 1 hour after the news about where is the jetski?

We can't really know what goes on in your W's mind. Perhaps you will need to be the bigger person here and initiate contact with W about events like this ^^. You can ask her open-ended questions on how she would like to handle the engagement party. You two are linked forever by being the parents to your sons.

3. Do I bring up the subject that I know the W is in a relationship with the other woman? I don't know if my sons know, if not, should they be told?

Nope to both. Take out the duct tape and tape it over your mouth, eyes, nose, ears, fingers and toes!! It is for your W to decide whether to inform your sons or not. And be ready for support should your sons have questions about their mother's R with the woman. Be sure to keep it neutral and state that it is their mother's path.

Have a Happy New Year's!

[planet]

1. Vanisher. Interesting.
2. Either she's mean or she's completely detached and sees you as a complete stranger. No one talks to strangers about details.
3. I don't see why not. They are adults. But it is a tough call.

My POV.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Wonka for your reply, it is my lucky day. And enjoy NYE celebrations.
1. I will try and go back to the texting once a month. Did do it for a few months with the coaches view. It didn't go anywhere, but won't hurt again.
Yes, I do remember your glacier story, time to store that in my mind again. Also the marathon not a sprint.
2. You are again right, I do need to be the bigger person now. For too long I just rode the wave of separation. I will ask her if we wish to organise a present and/or party.
3. I agree, I didn't think it would be the wisest thing to do. Just had to ask.


Thanks also planet for replying.

[hotwheelsaust]

In addition planet: I think the W is trying to act as though I am a complete stranger.

[planet]

Yes. W act as if. W will not bother to consult you over anything.
While we as the LBS will behave differently.
I do not like the fact that I'm tied to my XW (alien) because we have children but I'm left with no choice.

[hotwheelsaust]

Wow Wonka, sent a text and got a reply straight back. Wishing me a Happy New Year also. She also stated we can talk to our son about an engagement present and/or party.

[TryingToDo180]

Happy New Year HWA Great news about the text from your W, let's hope you can both be better friends in 2014 Here's to 2014 being a better year for all of us

[Wonka]

HWA,

This is great news. Now, sit tight! You don't want to appear to be an eager beaver and respond to W's text right away. If I were you, I'd wait a coupla weeks before initiating contact with W to coordinate the engagement party. Do you know when it will be? If not, then I'd consult with son first and get his wish list for the party. Then talk with the W using this info as the basis for the first talk.

Good job!