Wow. That was painful. Just went through the finances...assets, debts, expenses. Hopefully helped open soon to be waw's eyes. After all expenses currently, left with $1k per month. Best case scenario.....for her to move out, maybe $700 per month, leaving us both $150/month discretionary.
Didn't discuss anything beyond the finances and the hypothetical rent expense. Doing ok today with the d'bing. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
After the finance discussion, my wife is in a better mood! possibly one more step in her process of gaining space. For the love of god, i hope this thing works out. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Watching my spouse be in a better mood is like a slap in the face. I didn't show any emotion, yes i am wallowing in self pity, but holy F(#$..... To have someone you love just basically not give a s($# about you....tearing me apart.
I know logically the reasons, I know I am not the only one. Hurt leads to wanting to get angry. Oh how good it would feel (temporarily and causing damage) to just vent at her. Man, to be able to call her names, tear her down, give her a turn at crying.
I know, I know. I needed to vent. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tried a 180 tonight. Wife got home from work and i offered to cook her dinner. She declined as she stated she wanted one scrambled egg and it 'has to be done a certain way, but you can cook me something tomorrow".
So then i was chatty (which isn't normal behavior for me. Didn't seem to work. I think she is getting desperate to get out. I could almost sense her screaming inside....maybe i was reading it the wrong way but I don't think that 180 worked.
I know she desperately thinks she needs space. I discussed the idea of leaving kids in our house all week and her and i rotating out. She lives here for 4 days, i live here for three days. Meanwhile she lives at her mom's, possibly i do as well, or my fathers (his second wife doesn't really care for me much, so not sure this is an option). Anyway, great way to save money.
My wife's initial reaction to my suggestion was that 'it seemed more like a vacation that way and not really a separation'. That was two days ago. A brief discussion about adding some stuff to our finance list this evening I had asked her if that was still her reaction upon thinking about the idea. She said 'yes, still don't like it'.
I can see that as an area where we will definitely butt heads. However, unless money starts falling from the sky....seems the most financially sound idea.
I mean to give her space but should I allow her actions to put us in financial jeopardy? I know i can't control her, I know this idea would be best for the kids, but i have always handled the finances. She doesn't have much of an idea of the reality of unexpected expenses popping up etc.
Seriously we are about 1k per month in the black. Minus the stuff I remembered to put on the expense list tonight, puts it at about $850. And that doesn't include things like kids clothes, birthday presents, you know, those expenses that just seem to pop up. If she indeed moves out into her own place, at best i calculate $700 per month....leaves $150 to split between us for a month.
That margin is way too thin. We are already max'd on credit, there is no buffer. How do i push my agenda? Should i push my agenda? She needs space....maybe my idea doesn't give her that sense of space, maybe in the long term we need to live on the edge of our finances....if that gave her the space she needed to possibly change her mind about our R.
There should really be an anti-divorce pill one could get a prescription for. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My wife just came to me downstairs (private from the kids) and said she talked to a lawyer today. She asked what normally happens in this type situation and the lawyer supposedly told her 'usually the man moves out of the house, as she is the primary care giver, that way less traumatic for the children).
I asked, 'are we separating or getting a divorce' and she said she thinks they both lead to the same end, at least in this situation. Is she really the primary caregiver? yes, she picks up the kids and drops them off to school, however we both work. Arrrggg, least of my concerns. Semantics.
How can i stall to give time for 180's etc to work? Do i meekly go away? I fear if i tell her to get lost and she has to move out.....next step hiring of lawyers? Last thing I can afford or really want! Wow, life is crumbling down around me! _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I wonder if my wife has expected me to be yelling by now. I probably would have if not for reading divorce busting. Started divorce remedy now. She sure did give me an odd look when telling me about what lawyer said from above.
I listened.........then silence for awhile.........and i responded with 'that is interesting'. She then asked 'that is it'? i said yes, then she said ok and left.
Now that i think about it i would have to say that is quite different from any similar type situation. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I have decided to go to IC this Thursday. Something my wife mentioned i could use some of several months ago. I this particular, I agree. Have some family/self esteem/codependency issues i could use some help on. Now i will get some extra bang for my buck as i am sure the separation will be heavily discussed!
I told my wife I was going around 10pm. Asked for her thoughts/outside opinion...just to see if it meshed with my ideas. In addition, it was almost a blatant way to talk about R. Assuming any 'issues' she thought i had most likely effected her feelings/reactions towards me.
We had a small talk about this concept of my moving out. She tells me based on lawyers message that it is best for the kids. I stated i wasn't quite sure and i saw no difference for the children if the children stayed in the house and she and i swapped locations (her staying at her mom's in non custody days, me at my dads). In addition, we have no financial solvency and i think it is a big risk to add additional expenses such as an apartment.
Going to my dad's tomorrow to drop off xmas presents. Will update him on our situation, see if he volunteers any help, such as a place to live several days a week. Might not be something he will agree to as we don't get along the best (at least, me and my step mom don't).
Friday is a customer's party i will be going to by myself. Wondering if i should spend the night somewhere....to be a little dark, make the wife wonder. Probably not a good idea, seems like it borders on manipulation. _________________________ me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
ToughSpot, So sorry about your situation. About the kids: no, your wife and Lawyer are wrong about your W being primary caregiver, but of course her lawyer would say so and likely so will whoever is supporting her. (Her friends, family etc). If she has actually retained a lawyer you will need lto as well, and soon. if she has consulted a a lawyer but not yet retained, you will need to as well, and soon. ask your wife for mediation, or collabortaive law (look that up) instead of litigation. Unfortunately my exW rejected that notion and she litigated. it gets bloody nasty with litigators and her L will fill her full of dreams and nothing you can do about that except battle fr the custody at 50/50. they also have no automatic right to make you move out, unless she [censored] you into actions that create a bad look upon you....be careful...it happens. if you own the house, offer to buy her out. .We offered to buy each other out so in the end it had to be sold. We ended up in court for the custody access last July and exW got far from what she wanted. We are 50/50 and both bought smaller homes in the the same neighbourhood so that was less traumatic for the kids, although still very painful for the kids but they are settling now. The kids wanted 50/50 as the best of the bad situation. Your two older kids have a choice. The younger do not. If you feel you are as much a caregiver, and genuinely want to share the kids and all the duties you will need to fight for it. If it is just the drop off and pick ups, make a list of every single thing you do raising your kids. your lawyer will neednall this info and its details. It cost me a fortune, time and a lot of stress but knowing my heart and soul were into it and knowing what they really wanted I had to. It worked. Just be ready for ugliness, blame and a lot of lies about you and your character thrown at you. The truth will prevail. Really try and discuss mediation first or collaborative law....though her litigating lawyer will have other ideas if she has retained. You need legal advice, and now. My heart really goes out to you and it may be a long haul, but will get better.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
It is my hope that we can avoid litigation. We have spoken before of this type situation and it has always been discussed as a 50/50 type deal for custody and finances.
Just had a 3 hour visit with my dad and step mom. Very supportive and i have a place to stay if needed. However, i am not moving 'out' of the house unless it is a rotation between her and i, with the kids staying all the time in the house.
Got the number/name of a layer that i will pay for an hour or so consultation. Just to know the things to avoid in case things turn nasty. Knowing myself, if i thought there was another man in the situation, i probably would be too emotional to maintain my demeanor, and it could get nasty. From directly asking to many incidental comments concerning other things, i really feel there isn't. Could be wrong of course!
Will call the lawyer tomorrow to set something up. After i go to first session of counseling. Have the party to go to Friday night. Looking pretty good for the next few days. Could turn on a dime with that uncontrollable wife of mine.
She talked last night, i listened. During our discussion I had asked her to try to keep an open mind. Reiterated I was working on me, still sense she hasn't looked really close at her part of this. Such a sense of hopelessness on her part. I told her i had hope but was fully aware that this certainly couldn't work out and that 3 months down the road i could even think this was a great idea.
Not sure how much information to discuss with her when she brings up the R. I know i am not supposed to bring it up. Am i really not supposed to say virtually anything?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
