Wow H, that is something to hear back from her so quickly.... So do you believe your W is softening to the point she is or may be able to have contact with you in a comfortable mode? I ask because of the way she worded her text with you and you would know the tone maybe? With respect to your lady friend, has she been divorced? had bad relationships? She could be like so many, worried about a new relationship and hestitant to get too serious. Possible?
Wonka, great to see you here still providing your insight...Dont mean to hijack your thread H and I know you don't mind since we have similiar sitch's. Wonka, so the iceberg is starting to thaw maybe? Your partner initiated a text, WOW... I recall you posting on my thread how you were treated like a stranger for what, 13 years? ugh..To update my sitch for you, things have steadily deteriorated with my WAS. We have hardly any contact now as I feel I just cant keep trying small friendly texts anymore as I get nothing more than her usual short responses. There is just nothing there from her.
There has been new developments I have been told by her daughter. W again quit her latest job after a few months. This is something she has done for years as she can never get along with the other employees. But now her son, takes a pay cut from his check (owns his own lucrative company) and is paying her to watch her grandaughters a couple times a week. She is not getting rich but living within her means.
Also, my sitch doesn't involve OP. Her daughter tells me this voluntarily I do not ask. But from the beginning there has been no other. This means what, that she really destests me so much so she cannot even talk with me even almost 9 months later? She spends a great deal of time online as when she logs onto google she is still in my friends circle with others and I see her. She does not see me however.
Without OP involved it's hard for me to get a handle on why and how she wont speak to me. According to my friend Cadet she is a classic vanisher, left without saying and very little contact since. But she does have family where she is and is with them regularly. I'm not letting her or my sitch keep me from living though. Like you H, I am moving forward. Ha, without another special person as yet, but moving forward indeed.
Thanks for allowing the hijack H, look forward to what you guys might say....It's a new year....Lets live It!! 2old........
Let me set you and other straight about the "detest" part. They don't detest you. The reason for the no contact is that they're in pain and any reminders of the LBS brings up painful memories for them. So they keep us at arm's length as a self-protection mechanism. Ms. Wonka was the same with me...the first contacts consisted of only Happy Birthdays. Below is a brief summary of our contact history which will give you a sense of how slow those glaciers move.
Spring 2003: I drop the bomb on Ms. Wonka's birthday. NIIICCCCE of me! [it was some time after the onset of my own MLC journey in 1999]
Spring/Summer 2003: I'm sure I've engaged in some real crazy MLC antics. Fog very heavy during this time.
Fall 2003: Ms. Wonka reconnects with an old college flame for support. It evolved into an EA. I suspect it became PA sometime in the Winter of 2003/early 2004.
March 2004: The fog lifts from my head. I see things Claritin clear! Attempt to get Ms. Wonka to return to the marriage. But nope. Full steam head with her OW.
August 2004: Ms. Wonka moves out of our marital home and moves in with OW about 1300 miles away. Of course, I wrote one of those silly long, begging letters to Ms. Wonka via her sister's house as Ms. Wonka wouldn't tell me the address of her/OW's house.
Aug-September 2004: Experience severe case of PTSD. Dramatic weight loss, horrible flashbacks, insomnia, feeling utterly lost.
October 2004: Discover DB site. Wise, old, grizzly vets set me straight. And I take to DBing heartily.
November 2004: Sent pictures of our dog. Ms. Wonka reciprocated with a picture of our cat. [I kept our dog and Ms. Wonka took our cat. These pets were together since 8 weeks ago. When Ms. Wonka left in August, our dog kept moving around the house looking for Ms. Wonka and the cat. The dog was very, very depressed for the first two weeks after Ms. Wonka moved out....I was seriously concerned about the dog]
December 2004: Sent Ms. Wonka a nice Xmas card that is for a friend. Not one of those stupid generic cards. Ms. Wonka reciprocated with a card of a Snowman with a small heart on the front and on the inside said something like "cold hands, warm heart." A first for Ms. Wonka.
January 2005: Ms. Wonka initiated a text wishing me a Happy Birthday.
May 2005: Ms. Wonka is on a family vacation in my state at that time and we work out for a dog switcheroo. She comes in the house for the first time in nearly a year and noticed changes in the formal dining room. At this time, her father was very sick (he died not long after this). We talked outside in our back porch area and I validated Ms. Wonka when she cried a few times in talking about him. Just before leaving the house, Ms. Wonka comes up to me and puts her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder for a full body hug. I dissolve in tears when we part ways.
May 2005-November 2005: Communication nearly non-existent or nil.
December 2005: Ms. Wonka had the dog for December as I was out of state visiting my family for the holidays. As I was on my flight headed to my home state, an announcement comes from the captain that the flight has been changed to Ms. Wonka's state/hometown! Can you imagine the look of utter surprise, shock on my face??! When I landed, I texted Ms. Wonka that I had just landed in her hometown's airport.
She came out to the airport and picked me up to drive back to her mother's house as she was visiting her family during that time. Boy, it brought a flood of emotions for me [and I'm sure for her]. I slept in the downstairs bedroom while Ms. Wonka slept in her bedroom. The next morning, we interacted like 'normal' at the breakfast table with MIL and FIL. At one point, I leaned over and zipped FIL's coat as he was unable to do this simple task and I know Ms. Wonka watched me the whole time.
Since I was in her hometown, we discussed the logistics. Decided that I would rent a car so I can drive the dog home with me. It was during the trip back to the airport that Ms. Wonka really pressed for details on the sale of our house. I validated like crazy and stalled a bit.
January 2006: Texted HBD to me.
May 2006: Texted HBD to Ms. Wonka.
Sometime in Summer 2006: Ms. Wonka and the OW move to Ms. Wonka's home state. It is closer to my then state for more regular dog switcheroos which take place about once a month. During these interactions, I was upbeat and wore different, new clothes. We engaged in one R talk and I was calm. At one point, I said 'you got into an affair'...Ms. Wonka got all hot and bothered with vehement denials. Whatever.
Summer 2006-2007: Usual monthly dog switcheroos. Texts on wishing each other HBD. That was the extent of our communications.
August 2007: Got devastating news from vet that our dog had cancer in her stomach. Kept her overnight to pump in more blood as she was severely anemic. Texted Ms. Wonka of the news. She hemmed and hawed as she had a job interview. That really made me really mad. Sent a strongly worded text to Ms. Wonka about some "stupid interview when our dog is dying." Ms. Wonka made arrangements to drive down to our marital home so we could spend time together with our dog. Our dog lived three more days before crossing over in the comfort of our house. During this crazy time, I got a call from my mother that her sister, my aunt, had passed away in our sleep! Talk about double-whammy! Ms. Wonka and I worked on arrangements for our dog to be picked up and taken away to be cremated.
September 2007: Ms. Wonka drives down after I inform her that I've received the ashes of our dog. We go to a park that was a favorite of our dog and spread her ashes around the park. Emotional time for both of us in saying good-bye to our beloved dog.
December 2007-May 2008: Ms. Wonka presses hard for the house sale. Initial plan was to work through a mediator. Talks break down after some overly aggressive moves by Ms. Wonka's lawyer and I remove meditation off the table. Ms. Wonka still texts me. I inform my lawyer that I do not want any contact from Ms. Wonka. The house was sold in May 2008.
May 2008-January 2010: No communication between Ms. Wonka and I at all. It was during this time that I dove into the dating pool and dated some gals.
January 2010: Ms. Wonka initiates text wishing me HBD. I don't respond as it was too painful. Nor do I sent Ms. Wonka on her birthday in May 2010.
February 2010-Fall 2011: Zero communication.
Fall 2011: I inform Ms. Wonka that I had moved in with my father to support him as he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Ms. Wonka expresses concern and it is clear that she wanted to prolong the text convo. I didn't respond back at all. At that time, I was going through a bunch of stuff: Worry about my father, moving, and ending things with my girlfriend at that time. Didn't want Ms. Wonka around me as I had plenty of residual resentment and anger toward her.
Fall 2011-Fall 2012: Barely had any contact. Strictly limited to one liners wishing each other HBD in January and May.
Late September 2012: Include Ms. Wonka in a mass email to friends and family informing them of my father's passing. Ms. Wonka texted me her condolences.
November 2012: Asked Ms. Wonka for her phone number. Initiated the first call. We talked for about 45-minutes. I still remember the very end of the phone call with Ms. Wonka's words ringing in my ears: "I'd like for us to be healthy where we can support each other with mutual respect and encouragement."
December 2012: I fly down to warm South to visit my mother and sisters for the Christmas holidays. I initiated first text to Ms. Wonka wishing her a happy holiday and I was traveling to South. It ensued a banter of who had the better island visit. Ms. Wonka won hands down with her Bahamas trip. Pllllffffft to Ms. Wonka!
January 2013: Ms. Wonka texts me wishing me HBD with attachment of brightly colored card. I respond with thanks.
February 2013: Ms. Wonka surprises the heck out of me with a text about the Super Bowl. We text back and forth about the teams and game.
March 2013: Ms. Wonka springs another surprise about March Madness as she does not really care for college basketball. It came about because one of her college teams was going against mine in the Final 4. We banter back and forth with some competitive, good-natured jibes.
May 2013: I text Ms. Wonka wishing her HBD. She responds accordingly.
Mid-May 2013: Re-join DB forum with "Fellowship of The Ring" thread as I notice that there's more inner work to be done and re-learn stuff once again.
July 2013: Ms. Wonka initiates yet another innocuous text about the Royal baby. We banter back and forth on the names. Viola! Prince George comes into the world. I got the name right! So pllllft back at Ms. Wonka!
Our texts occur once a month now. Many of them are airy and fluffy. Nothing too heavy. Just recently wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and now HNY. So yes...the glacial does thaw out at some point, my dear Old!
Great post Wonka I've just had a text from H wishing me and my son a happy new year. I responded with a HNY to you too. As he had put a smiley at the end of his text, so did I! There's been times where I've put a smiley and he's not so I wait now until he initiates it.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Oh yes...smileys are always helpful TD180! We now use smileys. And for the FIRST TIME ever, Ms. Wonka called me by my own name over Thanksgiving. Some progress, heh?
Why what did she call you before that? lol. My H called me by my shortened name a few weeks back, that was a shocker as well.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
You don't want to appear to be an eager beaver and respond to W's text right away. If I were you, I'd wait a coupla weeks before initiating contact with W to coordinate the engagement party.
Wonka, I won't be and am not an eager beaver with this text. It was still very unemotional. But I will wait a few weeks to send another.
Quote:
Here's to 2014 being a better year for all of us
I truly hope so TTD180, surely it cannot get much worse for us.
Quote:
Ms. Wonka initiated a text last night wishing me a HNY
Congrats Wonka on another little bit of iceberg being broken away.
Quote:
Wow H, that is something to hear back from her so quickly.... So do you believe your W is softening to the point she is or may be able to have contact with you in a comfortable mode? I ask because of the way she worded her text with you and you would know the tone maybe?
2old, as much as it would be nice the W is softening, I don't think so. The wording wasn't the greatest and I think I simply got a reply quickly because the other woman isn't with her to put words into her ear.
Quote:
With respect to your lady friend, has she been divorced? had bad relationships? She could be like so many, worried about a new relationship and hestitant to get too serious. Possible?
The lady friend was divorced 12 years ago, with the ex husband still being a positive and regular father to the kids. Two bad relationships over the last 5 years, both about 18 months long. The both relationships were quick to move in, took advantage of her moneywise (they didn't pay rent or bills) and alcohol was a big part of the men's lives. I can understand the hesistance, if there was some, it is more the sake of being very friendly when we are together alone, compared to nearly being ignored when with other people. It comes across as either: embarrassed having me as a partner, not wanting a relationship exposed yet, me being totally lost in what I think a relationship compared to friendship looks like, me being used, or she has no idea what she wants either.
Because of all the work I have done over the last 14 months, it really doesn't cause too many headaches/heartaches. I am going with the flow, I am accepting of a lot more of what is going on and I know I will continue to lead a happy and fulfilling life with or without her.
Quote:
I feel I just cant keep trying small friendly texts anymore as I get nothing more than her usual short responses. There is just nothing there from her.
2old, that is the place I got to be as well. Kept trying and got nothing back, no small positives even amongst the negatives. I think the other woman is just too much influence on my W.
Quote:
As he had put a smiley at the end of his text, so did I!
TTD180 and Wonka, amazing how much a smiley can make us smile?
Quote:
According to my friend Cadet she is a classic vanisher, left without saying and very little contact since. But she does have family where she is and is with them regularly.
2old, I do believe we both have W's who are vanishers. But slightly different to the ignore everyone vanishers. My W simply does the right thing with her family now, visits them during the school holidays, is friendly/happy and rings them regularly. All the while she spends most of her life quite a distance away from them and no or very little contact on Facebook and weekly phone calls. Keeps the family happy. I have noticed the W doesn't visit the friends when down on holidays as much as she did, nor does she seem to contact her friends on Facebook as much either. Whether that is through the guilt factor? I don't know. Most of the time, I don't care either.
Quote:
Ms. Wonka did not open her texts with my name...it was almost always "Hi". Just dove in with subject and ended with her auto signature.
It was very rare for my W to call me by my proper name, mostly it was our pet names. Until BD, then it was texting with proper name always. That hurt a lot. It seemed so impersonal.
Well another big write-up. In another hour or so, I am off for another bike ride with a friend. Still waiting for the other lady to contact me, I have sent a text and facebook message. But all is ok. More unpacking got done yesterday. Started on the garden, pulling out all the palm trees (they drop seeds in the pool). Expect the W to head home sometime this week, if she hasn't already. So maybe the sons might start to visit now. Again no expectations, just give them the opportunity and tell them they are always welcome.
2014 will be a good year, no options. I will continue to improve on myself, be a better man, make more friends and continue to have my head held high.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I don't get called by my name on a text and certainly not a pet name, lol. So New year is off to a good start for you then? great stuff
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
[it was some time after the onset of my own MLC journey in 1999]
I've just had a text from H wishing me and my son a happy new year. I responded with a HNY to you too. As he had put a smiley at the end of his text, so did I! There's been times where I've put a smiley and he's not so I wait now until he initiates it.