my wife left, but still lives with me

[tough spot]

I am surprised my wife has not asked me what was discussed at the lawyers yesterday. She had shared with me some of what was spoken about when she had went to her attorney consultation.

Yesterday she said she was 'tense' and i figured she would be curious about my lawyer. Anyway, not going to bring it up...not much sense in speculating what she is thinking anyway.

Pretty sure she will file for divorce soon. Honestly, i think i could convince her not to. However, i also don't think if we 'got back together' at this point that she wouldn't always have doubts, and that the marriage would continue on too much like it was before BD. And we would soon be back exactly where we are now.

So I think she is so far gone right now, to set in the current mindset, that perhaps separation would be best. Then we could either work on ourselves and reconcile, or work on ourselves and think the divorce is the best way to go. Or, she could just revel in the freedom and we would be done for sure.

A large part of my difficulty/source of pain/source of anxiety about this sitch is my lack of control. I should perhaps say 'illusion of control'. I can't control her, still working on detaching and having some success.

[OneDay]

I am surprised my wife has not asked me what was discussed at the lawyers yesterday. She had shared with me some of what was spoken about when she had went to her attorney consultation.

A large part of my difficulty/source of pain/source of anxiety about this sitch is my lack of control. I should perhaps say 'illusion of control'. I can't control her, still working on detaching and having some success.

I would say be pretty vague about what your attorney has said. This is not something you would discuss with somebody you love. I say if she wants to talk about what her said fine but I would not talk about what your attorney has said

I know what you mean by the lack of control. But I think it's more that we LBS were not ready for this and it's hard for us to accept the fact that our WAS are more than willing to get a divorce. Almost as if we never even mattered to them before. I know exactly how you feel. I also live with my WAS. For the most part she seems as if everything is just fine and dandy. It came as a shock to me when my WAS said she was done and I did not want to believe it. Even though is hard, I have come to accept it. I do know how hard it is but try to accept the fact that she is done and it might make things easier for you.

[tough spot]

scott,

Have you accepted that it is done? Have you decided officially that there is no hope? I am torn between giving up, coming up with a 'plan', then deciding to db'ing instead. I waver between the three on any given moment of any given day.

It is the back and forth emotionally that makes it difficult. Right now, my wife asked my son if he could get the movie 'turbo' off the internet for the little kids to watch. Basically condoning the fact of my 18 year old illegally downloading a video! I said 'I am not so sure I agree with that, us condoning illegal activity'. Her response........nothing.....putting on a pair of headphones and watching something on her computer. I feel so low, her thinking i am not even worth responding to?

Things get worse unless i am d'bing. That makes things in the house easier....wife and i get along better. However the divorce preparations continue. Meanwhile I feel like i am living a lie. So what good is d'bing? Arguing with her about going to counseling or why we should stay together seem like they would bear more fruit. How do you handle it with your wife?

She went from wanting to move out to now wanting me to move out. That was about 3 days ago she announced she thought that was a good idea. I haven't brought it up but i have no plans on moving out. If she wants out, she can move out. Even though financially it would be about the worst thing possible.

I stated we should stay in the house with the kids and us parents rotate out and stay at our parents. She thinks that is a bad idea. But that way we are separated and the kids get to stay in the home. What are your plans for the 'eventual' situation?

[OneDay]

I don't think I have the best advise to give as I only have 9 days difference from u But I'll try. I'm feeling better n better about my sich. Yes I have accepted the fact that my WAW is done. I don't like it at all but I've accepted it and YES I still have hope.

Even though my WAW told me several times that we needed help(and I should have listened) I personally feel her decision is the most SELFISH thing a mother could do. (I heard her loud n clear now and am will to do whatever it takes. But it's too late for her right now).

For You. Do not move out even if she demands it, stand up for yourself.(even if u have to get angry). You did not ask/nor want this divorce and she knows it. If she wants to move out than u could say "well it's not what I want and if that's what u want I won't stand in ur way.

I'm on my phone typing and it's hard. I'll get back with u later in the week. I'm out hunting. GAL with a good friend

I suggest u Go GAL and detach It helps alof

[tough spot]

My wife initiated an R discussion last night. It had to do mainly with the living arrangement. Her lawyer sent her a note (she hasn't even hired him, was a free consultation, so for him to send a note to her makes her think/feel it was very important). Anyway, the note said 'under no circumstances are you to move out of the house'.

So far, things are relatively amicable about the divorce. She knows it isn't what i want, but i have to continue with the process regardless. My lawyer said if we both moved out of the house equally (my stay in the home but parents rotate out idea) than there wouldn't be any trouble with custody/someone abandoned the home.

There is a list of 'custodial factors'....one of which is 'abandoning the home'. My wife thinks she can't take the chance with the rotating deal, doesn't believe what my lawyer said. None of this matters unless our divorce gets ugly and one of us decides against 50/50 custody. My wife makes less money so i am 'one up' on her with the custodial factors. So she feels that she doesn't want to risk anything concerning the abandoning the house deal.

During our discussion we agreed that we don't know who to believe. Since I thought the lawyer i talked to was kind of a dick, i am going to seek out another opinion. Once I get that information, my wife and i will talk again.

[FloydMan]

Her Lawyer is right about not leaving the house under any circumstance becausenof abandonment. However, you must apply to this yourself. Her next step would be to get a reason for you to be the one to move out. This will be the form of initiating a confrontation and getting you to do or say something that would initiate a call to the police. Brother, this is very, very common. Be careful. Wear a halo. Sounds like you are very reasonable and trying to be amicable. However, if she is in a spot it will be her only play. Unfortunately this works a lot in society. Be very very careful. Your lawyer is correct on the rotational but an agreement would need to be made to protect both parties from abandonment issues.
Getting a second or even third legal opinion is very worthwhile, especially if you are not comfortable with the one you saw. I talked to 7 before choosing mine. Opinions of all were almost identical but approach and style were the deciding factors. You need to be comfortable. If you find one that has a collaborative approach, but can litigate effectively if need be then that is a good mix. They need to work in your best interest, not hers. It will all depend on her lawyer's style and approach which you cannot control so you need one that can handle either scenario. Lawyer's make their money on conflict.
As far as income, the fact you make more has no bearing. In fact it can be a problem. It means you pay more. Child support table amounts are a must and should be honoured but if she is looking for spousal support/alimony then that is a battle. She will try to balance income this way. Either way, divorce and separation are very costly ventures for both parties beyond the legal costs. The legal costs will at some point end, but the ongoing living costs will pretty much double. So, don't be surprised if she changes from 50/50 agreement once she realizes these costs and will get more in a non-50/50 arrangement and influence from her lawyer and possible friends of hers and family. This is exactly what happened to me and several other people I know. She will be, if not already in survival mode. Mediation would be the best route to go, but sounds like she is talking to lawyer wihich will mess that approach right up.
So sorry you are hurting and know how hard it is. I let my emotions get in the way of protecting myself properly and was heavily burned. I trusted she I should not have. It has cost a lot to turn the ship around. It worked on the custody front, and slowly the financial front but too a long time and lots of debt to turn it around. Best to get it right the first time with the emotions aside.

[tough spot]

Night is always the toughest. Kids go to bed.....soon thereafter the wife goes to bed. She stays up for a couple hours reading or watching programs on her iphone.

Then I just sit in the living room for a couple hours then head off to bed. So lively during the day, we talk and interact but all because of the children. Once they are in bed, no reason to speak much.

Least she won't be moving out. But that could be double edged as it doesn't give her much space. I could perfectly practice d'bing but even so, can't compare to us being separated. Which of course in itself could go either way......

I am not moving out any time soon. So if everything stays the same and the divorce proceeds, somewhere down the road about 6 months, we will have to look at living arrangements again.

[FloydMan]

Are you in separate rooms? This will determine separation/valuation date. This has very important legal consequences.
Sorry to tell you this but it is important. Otherwise she can spend, sell, move funds etc all she wants. You need statements and proof of all values as of separation date. Please ask lawyer about this. It was key in our mess and only got worse as we were in the same house for 14 months until it sold. She will be getting advice from not just her lawyer.
Even if the relationship is not conjugal, you need separate spaces. Please, please, please don't make my mistakes and those who's advice I did not heed.

[tough spot]

No, same room, same bed. Since middle of October. I am unsure about this. Do I date? I am pretty sure I am not ready for that. Would it send her into an angry state/ruin chances of reconciliation?

Not sure if she would even care...maybe on some level but it wouldn't change her behavior/objective. If she felt much of anything it would probably be that I was dating to spite her. Of course, on some level that would probably be true.

But it is so lonely living like this. Not to mention missing sex! Any suggested amounts of time one should stay like this? How about any guesses on how long it takes to recover from a divorce before one should consider dating?

[MrBond]

" Do I date?"

For what reason? To find someone else? To satisfy your sexual needs? If that's what you want, then fill out the D papers and do it.