Me: 40 H: 38 Together: 13, M: 12S 2 BD: 11/12/13 Living together
Hi I am new to divorce busting. I am about to start coaching on Monday. My wife let me know on Nov 12 that she is no longer in love with me and is thinking about leaving me. Yesterday she told me that she no longer wants to be married. She does want to stay living with me until I transfer in about 2 years for the kids. I am active duty military. I am not sure what I am going to do, I never in a million years imagined that we would even think about divorce and actually going through with it seemed impossible. Walk away life syndrome describes us to a tee. I hope it is not too late, I would do anything to save our family.
So...kinda weird. This is my first time to do anything like this...but I feel absolutely alone right now. My wife asked me to move out last sAturday, but said I could stay through the holidays for our children. S-12 d-6 d-2 As long as we are not talking about the relationship we are co-existing. (Not fighting) but I don't know how to act like she is not my wife... We have quite a few family functions to attend TOGETHER.....and I don't know if I can do it.... I don't know what I'm asking, maybe just a friend....
I don't know if I know how to actually post to one of these, and I think I already posted an intro, but I'm gonna try again I am 35, my wife is 31. We've been together for nine years and have been married for 5. We have three children 12/6/2. We have had issues throughout our marriage, mostly my issues with honesty, and finances. After separating in July of this year, she moved out with the kids, they then moved back in September. So the kids could start school. When she was first back we were focused, attending counseling, and making us a priority. And then of course life happens, and we gradually stopped our efforts. She started backing away emotionally, and I became more and more aggravated, until last Saturday night at my Christmas party. After too much alcohol, I accused her of flirting with someone and verbally assaulted her. That night she asked me to move out. But she said that I could wait till after the holidays. So now we have a crap load of family Holliday events to attend, and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to leave, and I don't want it to end....
So as I've been waiting for my membership to be approved here I've been learning a lot of good stuff here, and I am trying to put it into practice. But it's so freaking hard to maintain when we are acting as if everything outside of me and her is ok...we're even still sleeping in the same bed with a pillow in between us.
Imam reaching out for something to help me thru this.
Christmas Eve morning and I guess things are starting to sink is. As I bake pies for the dinner, work on the house,getting everything straight for our family to visit. She just sits in front of the tv and is commentless. I really don't understand how she can continue this behavior and attitude towards me. I guess it is all left to be seen what happens after Christmas, as that is when she asked me to move out. So until then I must enjoy every second I am getting with my wife and kids together, while we pretend to be a family. God give me strength....
I'm new here as well and in moderation. On Dec 15th my husband announces after 12 1/2 years together that our marriage is preventing him from true happiness( a man who suffers from severe anxiety and depression) and that he just wants to "have fun" and " not feel obligated." He also doesn't want to "be a jerk" but feels he gave up his entire life when we got married and had kids. I think this may be MLC but he brought this up during his speech all on his own and said "it definitely wasn't a MLC." Translation? It must be.
Our marriage is far from perfect but I thought we were a really good fit and there for each other. Guess not! I appreciate any advice. I started DBing about a week and a half ago along with coaching.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi. I am new here but have been reading others posts for a while. It really helps to see that others are going through the same things. A little of my story. My husband of 17 years left in October 2013. He just got out of bed one night and left. Said he needed time, but still has not come back. We have 3 sons 16, 12,and 9. Back story....HE was is Afghanistan for 10months (his 4th tour) and returned in May 2013. His grandmother died while he was over there and his stepfather died in August after he returned. Mother in law came to live with us in September. He left in October and she remained with me until she moved back to California in November 2013. He now says he wants to end marriage and move to California. He does not love me anymore and admits he has been talking to someone in California since he was deployed. I am a little shell-shocked. I am trying to do DB, but feel really desperate and scared that my life and family are falling apart. I have started GAL and am talking to a coach. It just seems that nothing I do makes a difference. Feeling like giving up....
I'm so sorry you are going through this. That must have been quite a blow for him to leave in the middle of the night. Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? It is a bit of a slap in the face when you start wondering what happened to the person you've shared your life with for the last x years.
It IS difficult. Some days my h is all pensive and mopey and other days he is asking me questions like "why are you laughing?" and "what are you laughing at?" Laughing is better than crying for me at this point but my feelings vascillate of course.
Hang in there! You are stronger than you know.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I don't know if I know how to actually post to one of these, and I think I already posted an intro, but I'm gonna try again I am 35, my wife is 31. We've been together for nine years and have been married for 5. We have three children 12/6/2. We have had issues throughout our marriage, mostly my issues with honesty, and finances. After separating in July of this year, she moved out with the kids, they then moved back in September. So the kids could start school. When she was first back we were focused, attending counseling, and making us a priority. And then of course life happens, and we gradually stopped our efforts. She started backing away emotionally, and I became more and more aggravated, until last Saturday night at my Christmas party. After too much alcohol, I accused her of flirting with someone and verbally assaulted her. That night she asked me to move out. But she said that I could wait till after the holidays. So now we have a crap load of family Holliday events to attend, and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to leave, and I don't want it to end....
So as I've been waiting for my membership to be approved here I've been learning a lot of good stuff here, and I am trying to put it into practice. But it's so freaking hard to maintain when we are acting as if everything outside of me and her is ok...we're even still sleeping in the same bed with a pillow in between us.
Imam reaching out for something to help me thru this.
I saw your post over in Sex Starved Marriage and tracked your posts back to here.
I feel your pain, as I have been to this place, where you are now, a long time ago.
I know what it feels like to be going through the motions of being a family while all this drama is running in the background.
So, there is good news and bad news.
Let me tell you the bad news first. Your marriage might not survive (as in it might come to divorce and ending of the marriage relationship with your wife). Even though you are sharing in a place where most people are committed to keeping that from happening, it does happen. Ultimately, it will take both of you pulling this back and both of you committed to pulling this back together.
There is good news. Your marriage might not survive. But I mean this in a wholly different way because the marriage you have, the marriage as you know it, is not working. And THAT marriage, as you have known it and as your wife has known it, probably needs to "go away" to be replaced by a different marriage with different communication skills, different senses of shared responsibilities and a different sense of intimacy.
Changing who you are is incredibly difficult (same is true for your wife). Seeing who you are and how that plays out throughout your life and then choosing something different is only a little easier IF you are actively involved and PRESENT in your own life without falling back into the "old habits" that you've learned (and spent years training others in how to see you).
The possibility of giving up a marriage that isn't working and replacing it with one that does (with the person that you are currently married to) is not an unrealistic hope. It is something worth working toward.
Here is the other good news. You can survive and thrive. I know there are times when it won't seem like it and Christmas holidays make this even worse. The best thing you can do in the short-run is to be the best father/dad you can be for your children and do whatever you can to keep them from being "in the middle" of this situation. But also take care of yourself. The mental health aspects of this stress can have some very challenging physical health aspects to it. And it is very easy to ignore your own health because other things seem to be a very high priority compared to yourself.
I don't have the answers, only a shared perspective of having gone through something like this. My first marriage did end with divorce despite what I was willing to do to work things out. And my second marriage has its own issues as a long-term sexless marriage (which changes or greatly eliminates the sense of intimacy in the relationship) which is why you would find my story over in that forum.
Hope this finds you well.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Hi I am Newbie here December 31, 2013. It all started for me one year ago tonight. I got very sick starting one year ago. Had severe fevers and delirious for several days. I got over the fevers, but had great difficulty breathing. Over the next 2 months I was in and out of hospitals.I was put on prednisone late in February and reacted very badly to it. I ended up under psychiatric care while the weaned me off of the prednisone. The Doctors communicated with my wife and decided after talking to her that they would not release me till they found a acceptable place for me to go. They contacted my parents and arranged for me to be released into their care. Shortly after getting home I was served with divorce papers.
My wife and daughters refused to communicate with me. They stayed in the house till the end of March and moved out on Easter Sunday. I tried to get my wife to talk about it and slow things down. She told me she was done.
Since she had a lawyer, I felt I needed to get one as well. Unfortunately my first lawyer was useless. The first Court date my wife got everything she wanted. I did a lot of reading and searching on line. Decided to fire my lawyer and get a new one. Meanwhile I had little to no contact with daughters or wife.
I worked with my new lawyer and tried to get an agreement worked out. I did some communication with my wife and thought we had one. Her lawyer caused a lot of issues and we got no wheres.
The turning point happened during the second court appearance. My attorney work with me and got really prepared. My wife's attorney thought it would be a cake walk and did not prepare. My wife lost a lot of ground. Her lawyer demanded a court date. My wife thought it would have been finished and she did not have enough money to continue on. She finally figured out that lawyers are into divorces for the money they can make. She fired her attorney and the filed to have the divorce dropped. This was in early October.
I have continued to make in roads with my daughters and have been rebuilding the relationship I have with them.
My wife has softened a bit. We spent thanksgiving and Christmas Eve together with the girls.
A little history on my wife. She has suffered from depression since her teens and has been on antidepressants since her teens. She is on the maximum dose and under very little supervision from the medical community.
We have been married for 20 years. We dated for about a year before we got married.
I will post more tomorrow.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
