Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Hi all, now seems as good a time as any to start a new thread. Here's a link to my old one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410333#Post2410333

Just a quick breakdown, my wife and I have been together for three years, married for 18 months and she has recently decided to separate though we'll be living under one roof (separate bedrooms) due to financial reasons. We have three beautiful children together, the youngest being my only biological child.

In my last post I mentioned that I was curious about how to handle intimacy when it came up despite not expecting it to occur for several months. Long story short, my wife and I had sex today so I'm hoping to hear from some WAS's about their thoughts on sex during separation.

Two days ago, my wife and I spoke about the details of our separation. We agreed on a plan and now we are waiting for the pieces to fall into place. I listened and validated, and yesterday she mentioned that a "weight had been lifted from [her] shoulders" but she still didn't trust me due to my infidelity (inappropriate internet conversations and picture exchange). Ever since, things have been great, we've hung out, we've enjoyed each others company, we've had discussions about our situation (arrangements, not reconciliation) and commitments as well as general friendly conversation.

My wife came home from work early today as she suffered a migraine and went for a nap. An hour later, my wife sends me a text message saying she had a daydream about us having sex and that she wanted the real thing. Not knowing what to do, I went into the room she was sleeping in and talked about it with her. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and that I didn't want to jeopardise our situation with short-term gratification. I was torn as I knew she wanted it, I wanted it and due to trust issues, I knew we were going to have to deal with sex at some point if we do reconcile so it wasn't all a bad thing. We spoke about expectations and I made sure she knew that if we did it, it would be a one off, I wouldn't expect it again and that I want her to understand that if we did do anything physical in the future, from hugs to sex, that it would be treated as such. We ended up having sex and it was passionate, as opposed to some of the mechanical sex we had found ourselves having the last time I was home.

After we finished, I didn't really know how to handle things so I went back to doing my own thing as if it didn't happen. I have had to suppress thoughts through the day but I feel I've handled myself well. My wife and I hung out some more, played games, talked, laughed and even sorted out our financial situation so I think I've handled myself pretty well.

Safe to say, I've had a good day. As much as I enjoy sex with my wife, it was the surprise that it came up and the knowledge that my actions in giving her space and keeping things light allowed her to feel desire as opposed to me badgering her and her closing up.

If there are any WAS's reading this (I hear Sandi is the guru...) I'd like to know if I should be putting sex on the backburner or if I should be comfortable doing it if my wife wants it. My end goal is to reconcile and I don't want to screw that up by giving into temptation but if there's "no harm done" then I'm happy to enjoy this part of our lives while knowing not to expect it.

[2stubborn2quit]

It's one of those things I see it as awesome but I'm sure there's a reason why it's terrible congrats.

[AnotherStander]

I had sex today so I'm hoping to hear from some WAS's about their thoughts on sex during separation.

My W and I continued to ML for a while after BD. It stopped once she moved out and it's never even remotely been an option since. In DR MWD does say that it's not necessarily a bad thing as long as the LBS can handle the emotional side of it. But it's got to be done with ZERO expectations, because most of the time early in the sitch (like you are) it means nothing.

[Barrybran]

Thanks AS, just the type of answer I was looking for. It happened again this morning so I feel pretty good that how I handled my evening yesterday ("as if"/no expectations) coupled with what you've said is the way to go.

[Barrybran]

Last night, my wife sent me some links to articles she had been reading on moving on after infidelity, in particular, spouses who are unwilling to open up about their affairs. Today, we had an opportunity to speak at length about our situation.

We began with the period of the affair itself before moving on to the events that lead up to it. She told me how she thought our relationship would play out which lead to a brief discussion of expectations IF she agreed to reconcile. She did reiterate that she has no feelings for me but revealed that she felt like hugging me at a Christmas event on Boxing Day as well as anger when I awkwardly touched her on Christmas morning. She said she was curious about these feelings and started to think more about our situation. This lead to our separation talk which "lifted a weight" and allowed her to see things differently. In turn this has lead to her reading and our recent discussions.

Since we've had sex twice in the past 24 hours we discussed if it was appropriate to do so in our situation. One of the major issues we had was that she was comparing herself to other women and that diminished her enjoyment of sex to the point that she was trying to do things that I would like to win me over. I told her that if we do reconcile we will need to face those demons eventually so I asked her how she felt about the two instances we've had. She said that she ummed and ahhed about asking me but decided that she wants to be someone who is direct and so asked for it. She also said that she was able to detach and treat sex with me as a "one-night stand" though this morning, it started in an a way that it used to start which brought some things back for her. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the "one-night stand" thing but I enjoy sex with her so I figure if she's coming to me for it instead of someone else then hopefully it can be added to the 'positive/fun' list of things to do with the new me. I'm not sure if it works like that but I'm looking at the positives.

She told me the thought process she's been through since BD, including potentially dating other people, but her conclusion at the moment is that she doesn't know what she wants.

I actually feel pretty good about the conversation. Still a lot of grey but that's to be expected. I'm thankful that she's communicating with me and I can see that she's at least exploring the avenue of reconciliation even if she can't make promises just yet. If nothing else, I feel clarity that my DBing is working and that I am comfortable with my situation even if it's not where I want to be. I know I can enjoy her company without expectations and that I will live my own life when I'm not with her. I feel buoyed about the past couple of days but it's a long road ahead.

[Barrybran]

Just thought of a question I had yesterday. I was reading other threads and there was a debate about how long is "long enough" in regards to the WAS spouse showing signs of warmth towards the LBS. The crux of the discussion actually revolved around WHEN the clock starts for the WAS compared to the LBS. ie. the LBS may consider the clock starting at BD while the WAS may consider it starting at separation itself.

Now, my wife and I have been separated since the end of November however my parents are living with us and won't be leaving until early February. In my mind, my DBing efforts started in early December but it could be argued that my wife won't actually consider the start of our separation until my parents move out and we begin putting our separation plans into action.

Does anyone have any thoughts regarding this?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Wow loaded question,

its different for everyone, I've read that for the WAS, for some anyways its even before BD date. The date is something the LBS uses, its been over for much longer than that for the WAS, but it all just depends on the people involved, the way they were raised, the situation, kids, work, etc etc.

I think I've read a few places that 2 years is pretty typical in a lot of situations, unless your talking MLC, in which they might NOT ever come out of it. But again, there are so many variables to consider that its best to not put a time frame on it either way. It takes what it takes.

[FlyOnTheWall]

In regards to the sex,

I think for women, sex it more emotional than for men. Even if she's "trying" to treat it like a one night stand. It will still come down to her needing the connection with you, and if she cant feel it, she's more able to move on about it.

Basically what I'm saying is to make sure as best as possible, that you make it intimate for her. So she feels that connection again. That she wants that with you.

You know, the caressing, the touching, passionate touches that she's expecting from someone that LOVES her, not like a one night stand that allows her to move on.

Hope that makes sense, I didn't want to be graphic. Just saying fill an emotional need.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for both responses. I figured the 'timeline' thing would be hard to pinpoint and I whilst I had some concerns about the sex I wasn't able to define them well until you provided your answer.

[2stubborn2quit]

Unless I'm reading this wrong, it sounds like there's a good news aspect to this conversation, that on her side she trying to move forward and past the situation. Are you getting that sense as well?