Is your W hinting at reconciliation? Even if she isn't, I would be hesitant to discuss that with her without being in the presence of a good MC. A good MC will help you navigate that minefield and will hopefully help your W understand what you were going through at that time. The MC can direct the conversation much better than either you or your W.
I know the "nothing you hear, half of what you see" element but she's adamant that she doesn't know what she wants right now and that she's reading and talking to be able to make an informed decision when the time is right. We've had a great week up to last night which she attributes to an emotional "switch" being flicked since we discussed our separation.
I haven't read any more into it than that. I am hopeful and we've both asked questions of each other 'just in case' things work out. Right now though, I feel it would do more harm than good to NOT discuss my infidelities as she would see it as hiding something if I don't.
There may be a time for marriage counseling but we're limited by funds and resources and there's a lot on her mind that she's trying to process.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
It's been a week of positive interactions with my wife now. We've communicated so much better, she's voiced her thoughts when she's had them (including one where she was angry with me and came and woke me up to discuss it), we've spoken lots, had a lot of fun in each other's company, had sex and now she's been affectionate with me. It's been a good week.
It hasn't all been rosy though. There was a period of about 30 hours where she thought about my infidelities and asked many questions. I answered them as she asked them and she was deep in thought a lot of the time. She kept up the communication though and fowarded me articles she had been reading that backed up her thoughts. I am grateful for how she has handled herself overall and the articles she has given me access to have helped me understand her frame of mind.
The past couple of days, things have settled down a bit. My wife has had full days at work and it's been the usual business after work (dinner, kids' baths, kids bed, her bed). It's what our "normal" life entails but with three key differences: she's asking my help for things, I'm spending time in the loungeroom with her (and my parents) and she has been affectionate with me on the couch. It's been nice.
The two biggest milestones for me have come yesterday and today. Yesterday, my wife hugged me. I came home from a six-month contract in mid-November. All I wanted since then was a hug. We've had sex several times but affection wasn't on the cards. Yesterday, my wife was preparing dinner, I was helping in the kitchen, we'd finished what we were doing and she hugged me. I'm receiving my copy of 5LL this/next week but I already know my LL's are QT and PT so to get this hug, after seven weeks, is huge to me. I got another one today.
The second milestone occurred tonight. When I was away from home, my youngest daughter (2yo) entered the 'security' phase where she had to sleep with Mummy. Each of our other kids have been through this phase so it was only a matter of time. With Dad gone and a spare spot in the bed, youngest made it her own. When I got home, my wife left my daughter in our bed with me and took her bed in the next room. It's been that way for seven weeks. Tonight, my wife put youngest in her own bed (much to youngest's dissatisfaction) and has gone to sleep in our bed. It's one night and just a trial but it's a milestone nonetheless. I hope she's comfortable.
To top things off, my parents told me they are taking off next week for two weeks. They're only heading two hours away but we'll have the house to ourselves with our kids and maybe even a night or two without the kids. My wife has holidays approved during this period too so there will be some true family time. I'm looking forward to it but I am going to have to keep up with my own plans (only house stuff but stuff that needs doing).
All in all, it's still early days. My wife and I discussed that we didn't address our problems when we got back together after our first break up so we're both aware that there's a lot of work to do and patience to have. My wife still hasn't said "I want to try" but I don't expect that; I'm just appreciating her company and all that entails. I'm still waiting to hear about a job which hopefully I'll hear back from this week and I get my DB/DR/5LL books next week which I'm looking forward to reading.
I hope everyone else is having a good day.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Awesome, sounds like things are going quite well! Just be patient with her, she's going to cycle for a while and it's going to take a long time before she'll feel comfortable trusting you again, but you're doing a great job of letting her work through it at her pace.
Decent week man....But don't let the high distract you from your reality. Remember the things that got you here and that you still have to work on them.
Understand that while you are reaching your immediate goals....You need to continue your self improvement work.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
It's been a few days since I posted here. Nothing much to report to be honest. The honeymoon period wore off and we got back into what I felt was going to be our "normal". My wife told me this morning she had felt us slipping into old routines so it's nice to know I wasn't the only one who noticed.
I'm not 100% sure what she means (so I've asked her to think about it and get back to me) but I can't think of anything good or bad, just day-to-day living. I accepted it as I felt that not everyday can be over-the-moon awesome and that some days are just going to be days. My wife has still been affectionate though less so, I initiated sex yesterday and my wife didn't seem too into it, we've still done things together like going to the gym and a family outing yesterday but other than that it's been business as usual.
My wife told me this morning her back pain had returned after moving back into our bed. She says she thinks it's from laying a certain way and that it may be psychological in that she subconsciously sleeps a certain way with me whereas she slept pretty freely in my daughter's bed. I don't really know how to solve that unfortunately other than me sleeping on the floor until my parents leave. She never said she felt uncomfortable with me though.
I got my DB/DR/5LL books a couple of days ago but haven't had the time to read them so I'm looking forward to getting into them when I have a chance. I feel as though we're moving somewhere and I'm not 100% sure on how to handle this period as she hasn't said she wants to try to mend our marriage but everything is pointing to an acceptance of where we are and moving forward together. I don't want to make this assumption though so I'll read as much as I can and hopefully get some direction.
As I said to my wife this morning, we may take two steps forward and one step back and her bringing it up will no doubt prevent us taking two steps back instead. It's only been two weeks since things turned around so it's still very early in the piece but at least I have a platform to work from. I just have to figure out how to handle the next period.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
