I do need counseling. I had tried soon after she left but with the holidays and my location it has been difficult. Now with work, packing the house, and me moving before too long now it's hung up again. I will try.
Nothing from W. I'm going to back off.
It's hard not to contact but I know it won't do any good. Not sure how NC will affect this situation...
With my wife when i speak to her about R, I have an agenda. Her feelings haven't changed yet/if ever, so my agenda doesn't get met (some sort of answer that would lead me to believe we aren't still going to get a divorce). So when that doesn't happen, I get emotional pain and probably help push her away to boot.
In addition, I can't stop totally talking about R because for me I hate leaving things out of my control. So when I talk to her I am trying to control the situation/make it so she won't divorce me.
That is some of what makes it so hard. I love to have the illusion of control and want to hear what I want to hear. So at this stage, for my own benefit, it is best not to say anything at all that is R related.
By no means have I been totally successful. But when I do stick to mostly d'bing, life day to day is easier/less painful. Now by saying 'less painful' it is almost like choosing between being knifed and shot.....so not really a huge benefit
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Hang in there Heart. I know it is difficult. This is the most difficult thing I've ever done. It really does get easier. You will have good days and bad days. GAL. It really does help.
Don't be concerned! Her decisions/actions now have nothing to do with you. Keep your focus on YOU!
Originally Posted By: burning heart
Either way I gotta move on. Or forward at least till things are certain.
Yes, think moving forward, not on.
Originally Posted By: burning heart
I'm having trouble. I'm struggling. Trying.
Keep moving forward. Do something simple, like read DR/DB. And when your done... read it again, and again.
When you want to contact MIL or W.... post here instead, use this place to vent.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
It's the most difficult things I've ever experienced.
Sure I should be focusing more on me right now.
W texted 3 days ago and I haven't replied. All she asked was am I ok?
My in laws will be here later in the week. Don't know for how long. MIL left a message that we'll talk more then. But yesterday she wanted to talk but didn't call back.
I went to a mutual friends for dinner yesterday evening. I didn't bring it up. They did and I said I don't want to talk about it, lets just have fun. They did again later in the night and I said the same thing.
I think DB/DR will help me, not the marriage at this time. Same as GAL or 180. That's not a bad thing but my ultimate goal is to be together again. Have been thinking lately that it may take a complete separation/divorce for us to reunite some point later. W is so set on divorce. Idk if we can or will be together again. I think her pride, stubbornness, ego will prevent it. Sad. And I may change my mind if this keeps going. I can live with what's going on now. Don't know how I'll feel if it keeps going on but it's up to her.
Don't know what MIL wanted to talk about yesterday. Going to call her back today.
BH, you are right . . . DB and GALing will help you. A lot. All of us here start with the goal of being back together. Some do get back together eventually. Some are in limbo for a long time. And some decide to move forward with D on their own, and feel good about their decision.
We always talk about how you should believe nothing a WAS says and only half of what they do. I think this is partly because they are a little crazy, but mostly because emotions change. So let's flip this around. Don't believe all the things you are feeling and thinking right now, either. Aren't you a little crazy now, too? And aren't your emotions changing all the time? You don't know what you will feel like next month or a year or two from now. Maybe you will still want to get back together, but maybe you won't. Maybe YOU will find something new, someone new. Or just a peaceful, fulfilling life on your own. Who knows what is around the next corner. I certainly didn't know that BD was around the corner, but it was.
I'm lecturing to myself too right now - but it's starting to sink in what others have said to me. Don't assume there is only one way to happiness in your future. Be open to other unknown outcomes and acknowledge that it's possible that you and your W will get D, will not R, and you will still be happy. I know that's really hard to accept right now (I am struggling with the same), but just remind yourself from time to time - trust that you won't be hurting forever and there is happiness in life for you regardless of what your W does.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
