Tigerlily - good luck on the job front. I am in the same position at the moment, and it's certainly not easy. Rejection isn't good for the PMA either. But an interested male certainly is... it does feel good to have someone take an interest - even if it's not what you want or need right now. It's just good to know you've still got "it"!!
So it's been a few days since I posted. I figured I should check in and let everyone know I am still alive and doing fine.
FINALLY got both "Divorce Busting" and "Divorce Remedy." I ordered them with a giftcard I got for Christmas along with 3 or 4 other relationship/marriage/communication books that various DB friends have recommended. So I have plenty to read and process now to help keep me busy.
Been pretty quiet around here. I have just been doing my own thing and giving space... nearly no contact really.
Today H came downstairs and literally said, "I'm sorry for being in such a good mood today. I don't know why I am."
He took some time to play with the cats and show them some affection. Also made a very deliberate attempt to show our son he was interested in what he was doing/building in a game, and mentioned that he was really looking forward to working with son on a programming project soon.
He asked he we had eaten lunch and I said I wasn't really hungry yet and son had made himself a sandwich. H asks son about his sandwich... did he toast the bread, cut it into triangles, etc? H kidded with him a little about how he was "doing it wrong" because he didn't cut the sandwich into triangles before he ate it. Son thought that was pretty funny. H then proceeds to tell son that is is awesome that he is making himself lunch now and that he is very proud of him.
I was sitting in the other room reading while he said this, which was lucky, because the "proud" comment made me tear up a little.
I sent H an email later in the day to just let him know, that his positive interactions with son today seemed to have a really good effect on son's attitude this afternoon. And that I thought it was really great that he told son he was proud, that so many Dads never express that and it means a lot to kids to hear it. Good work.
I hope it won't come across as pursuing. I was going for a "WoA" to recognize the positives.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I don't think your email falls under pursuing. I would file it under cheerleading. Looks like your H may be doing a little pursuing! Keep up the good work.
Last time I was at the salon getting the gray covered up, there was a nice looking man getting the same treatment. We talked a bit and he ended up asking me if I'd like to have coffee. Guess he thought I was single ... I took my wedding ring off when I found out about OW. I politely declined but what an ego boost!! It is so nice to be reminded that you do still have it, isn't it!
I didn't know you did web design. I do that too. I took some courses several years ago, but never put it into use for anyone but our own sites. Good luck. That's a good avenue to pick up a little spending cash.
2T2M
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Yes! A little male attention and appreciation sure helps. Funny coincidence the "Divorced Dad" just emailed tonight me with some "updated contact information" for me to put into the website for our Troop. I am going to try really hard not to make any assumptions about that.
I don't *really* do web design. I just got sucked into being the "webmaster" for our PTA one year and for our Boy Scout troop for the past couple of years, so I know how to do the content management for pages that run WordPress or similar platforms. I can do the basic photo editing to post pictures or banners and stuff like that, post events to a calendar, use the embedded tools for sending out emails and newsletters, etc.
I also know *just* enough html to do a pretty sloppy job posting new content to an existing webpage as long as I don't have to change how it looks at all. When I first got talked into being webmaster for our troop it was still a conventional html page... but I advocated for transitioning to something easier to use.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Well, as if the MLC roller coaster wasn't enough stress. H got laid off from his job on Monday. He waited until yesterday to tell me, and I suspect if I hadn't asked a question specifically about work that he might have put off telling me even longer.
I asked, "So, what's going on with work lately? You don't seem as busy now as you usually are this time of year."
So messaged me back that his work laid of many people on Monday and he was one of them. I cried and swore and went running and then tried to keep to myself mostly. All in all I think I handled it okay. Told him I didn't blame him and I had confidence in his skills as a programmer and his ability to get another job, but I know it is hard and other people aren't always capable of seeing his potential.
This was not completely unforeseen. We knew about a year ago that his team at the company was working on a product that was going to be phased out. I had encouraged him to start looking for a new job at the time, even browsed some job psoting and sent him the ones I thought he might be interested in. But then after a couple months of that he told me he didn't want to go through the trouble and hassle of getting a new job yet. So I stopped with the "help." I guess the not proactively seeking another job, knowing this one would very likely be ending was probably another MLC behavior.
He gets 12 weeks of severance pay, so that's something. Tuesday when he was home he was in a GOOD MOOD. Had good interactions with our son. Told him he was proud of him for making his own lunch... and now I can't even wrap my head around that. "I just lost my job and I feel great!"
We have no insurance effective immediately (wtf). My son has an appointment Friday to get his meds refilled by his psychiatrist (big waste of time and money even when we were insured). So I had to call them and see what they could accept for an out of pocket payment to see him anyways. $65... so tolerable.
I don't think I slept at all last night. Feeling rather worn out today. We had something of a yelling argument through the door to his den, and I am ashamed to admit I basically initiated it. I was pissed off that he bothered to come in and use the bathroom in the master bedroom while I was asleep, thus further disturbing my attempt to sleep... and then didn't come and lay with me. We DO have another bathroom he could have used. The argument eventually escalated to him saying, "I'm done. We're done forever." But I know that is just something most of them say and don't really mean most of the time... it's not like he actually took any action. Instead he has listened to music and played computer games the entire time since.
Just really feeling fatigued and stressed right now. Just when I thought I was starting to settle in to some level of acceptance and being able to cope, life found more lemons to put in my cart.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Oh also, yesterday afternoon after telling me he got laid off. H mentioned he might want to take me out to dinner, and maybe son too.
I didn't even know what to make of this. Seriously. No clue.
I ended up replying to his message that I would be happy to go if it was something he wanted to do, but that he didn't need to do that for my sake. That I know he already has a lot on his plate right now. I told him it was up to him.
He never replied and we didn't go. I did ask if he would like to eat dinner here, and he did. So I did cook for him... I thought a little kindness under the circumstances was a good thing.
All I really wanted was for him to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. But I know that's asking too much. Such a simple, stupid thing is too much.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I am very sorry about the new of his lay off. It's not a good thing. His severance pay won't last long if he's wanting to go out to eat, etc. In his mind, he's relieved the wait is over, but he will need to find another job, even if it's minimum wage to tied all of you over. It's time to look at other avenues to help tied you over, i.e., food stamps, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tiger, I’m so sorry about your H’s layoff. I think you are right about him not looking for another job is part of MLC, and specifically the depression part. I have been out of work for quite some time now. I had some days when I was very depressed, and it affected my motivation to keep looking for work. I know that I can only rely on myself, there is nobody else to rescue me or support me, and I still was not motivated enough on some bad days.
I’m afraid that if your H doesn’t find some work soon, it is going to put him deeper in MLC. The opposite could also happen though. I think you could give him some support and be understanding, even he starts doing some stupid things (well, like it is something new, LOL.) I wish him all the luck to finding work.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job: Yep, I will look into other avenues now. And whether its good DBing or not, I am going to ask if he has followed up to file for unemployment too.
Bright: I know, the job thing could really probably send him either way. Deeper into the cave and holding on to the OW and the escape, OR maybe realizing he needs to turn the crazy train before things really do fall apart irreparably. No way to know until it happens. Of course the extra crappy bit is, we have no insurance now to help foot the bill for counseling if he DID in short order decide to return.
Based on the argument this morning, he seems determined that he needs more time.
Back when he locked the keys in the car (10 days post BD or so) he mentioned to me that he had briefly feared that it was an "omen" that he was making a bad choice. Getting laid off one day after the three month anniversary of your "bomb drop" night... I wonder if that will be seen as an omen. One can only hope.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I think more than ever you have to take care of you. Job mentioned food stamps, a good start. I also know that for families with kids who have needs there is often free respite care. Not a lot of hours, but enough so you could have an evening wandering around, go for a bike ride or to the library.
