As a re-cap and to catch you up, my husband appears to be going through a MLC. Before his 49th birthday he had an affair at a convention and a month later had another fling in Vegas. I did my detective work, found out about the fling, flew to Vegas and got into his room and found notes he left with flight info about OW flying to Vegas to be with him that weekend (he had checked them into another hotel) so he didn't have to be bothered with me calling him. I felt like I was in some sort of a crazy, real-life, Lifetime movie...if that makes any sense? LOL
I was heart-broken when I discovered he was in Vegas on his birthday weekend with the OW and lying through his teeth about it. After I discovered this in the hotel room, I immediately took the next flight back home and silently sobbed (facing the window) during my flight home. Upon husband's return home, he was really pissed that I flew to Vegas and got into his hotel room. He denied, denied, denied it until I showed him the actual proof of what I found in the hotel room. A month later I went overseas to visit my parents and when I landed I had an email from husband that he moved out.
It's been 5 1/2 months now. I have no idea where he's living. The OW lives out of state and I suspect that he might be living with her as he's only emailed and sent me texts and has never wanted to talk on the phone or meet with me in person (since he left). All the communication we've had, which has been extremely limited, has also been during the work day.
He hasn't mentioned divorce or filed yet.
He is still paying for all charges I put on the American Express credit card (gas, food, clothing and all other expenses). I've never been a big spender, though, and that hasn't changed. He changed my access (since I'm just an account holder) and I can no longer see his charges on the credit card. I have always paid for the mortgage (home I owned before we met) and gas/electricity and continue to pay for these expenses myself.
Husband and I have not talked once on the phone since he moved out the beginning of July. He has only emailed me and sent texts. We barely communicate, though.
As painful as it's been, I have been out there GAL and two months after he left he confronted me about a bunch of restaurant charges around town and one for a restaurant bill that was out of town (no hotel charge) and he was upset and suspicious (and seemed a bit jealous). However, when he learned that these were just Meetup events and a Meetup related trip out of town (where I shared a room with three other women) he seemed okay about it. I now see this was a bad move on my part that I didn't play up the mystery and divulged everything). Also during this text communication, I also made the mistake of letting him know that my heart was still in love with him. He didn't respond to that.
During the 5 1/2 months apart, I also made the mistake of sending him two different Anthony Robbins relationship related videos (at two different times) that I asked him to watch - each an hour long. He never responded to those emails.
I believe he is living with the OW out of state.
His mail is still coming to our home and he clearly does not want me to know where he is or spy on him (as this was something I was consumed with prior to BD).
He had no furniture but had some boxes of stuff and it's being stored in a storage facility in-town (which is another reason I think he moved out of state to be with OW).
I haven't told my family that we've separated but will do so during Christmas when I visit with my siblings that are out of town. I'm not going to tell them about the OW, though.
Being that he's moved out (and likely living with OW) and doesn't want to talk to me or meet with me, I don't know that we'll ever have an opportunity to work on us.
After the first month and second month apart, he sent me an email asking where do you think we stand? I never got into specifics about us and where I think we stand (just replied about how I was GAL) because I was afraid he'd want to use my reply as an excuse to end the marriage. He hasn't asked me that since our 2nd month apart. Was I a total fool not to respond to this since it was a relationship question "HE" brought up??
Don't know if I'm doing it all wrong...or not. I've been ready posts on here continuously for months, but I think it's time I get some feedback from the group.
I'm so afraid that he's becoming more and more attached to the OW, especially if he's living with her. She's single, never been married, no children. She's 45 years old.
I'm 44 and was one month pregnant when I found out about the affair. This was going to be my first child (husband has a son from previous marriage). I've miscarried - so this has been a tough year, to say the least. :-(
I've had a couple of calls with a coach and the last one the coach told me I can't be sending him mixed signals of GAL and then sending him relationship videos and making it seem that I'm still into him. She said that I need to convey that I'm moving on without him. Since that last call, I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (which is helping me de-tach) even though I haven't seen him or any of his friends.
Any questions you may have about my situation, advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
A lot has gone on in the past month (compared to the previous 5 months of separation). From the onset, I gave myself a mental deadline of 6 months since I thought he likely got a six month lease when he moved out.
Well, I found out that my husband had moved in with OW to a northern state that is so cold right now that the current daytime high tempartures are in the negative #s now...and he hates cold weather. :-(
In any event, in mid December I found out that he tried to take a home equity loan. For some reason, all his mail is still coming to the house (b/c I guess he doesn't want me to track down the forwarding address). I called the bank and told them the deed is under my name and not to approve the loan. I also see that he's increased credit and had credit increases denied on other accounts. So, money must be a concern.
Also, I received a notice from my doctor's office that claim was denied because my medical coverage was terminated. This put me into a panic. For the first time in almost 6 months, I asked husband to call me and told him it was urgent. I thought perhaps he was fired and didn't want to tell me (b/c his coverage was also terminated). That wasn't the case. Our medical coverage switched to a different provider.
Nonetheless, I contacted our HR director and asked her to add me to my own company's policy for 2014. I also opened up a new checking account (and took my money out of our joint account).
This shocked husband and made him want to call me for the first time since he left almost six months ago.
We talked and had a decent phone conversation, but I was on the verge of tears, and came across much more sad then I intended. I couldn't help it, though, I was emotional.
I thought we'd continue talking but no more contact from husband.
For the first time ever, I saw that he took money out of the ATM in the OW's home state - the weekend before Christmas. My heart sank because I realized husband moved in with OW. I think he's been living with her for several months now.
That info put me into a tailspin.
I wrote him an email that I'm ready for a new beginning in 2014 and if he is still feeling lost, I am done. Didn't hear anything back from husband.
I sent him another email. His company has the week before Christmas and New Year's Eve off and I had this same time off work. So, I wrote that let's talk during this time and figure out a way to end things amicably (since I never heard back from him on my earlier email).
He sent me a "Merry Christmas" text. I replied with "Merry Christams". Later that evening, I sent a text to ask when we can talk to end things amicably during the next week. He said he could talk tomorrow or Friday but that he's getting drunk right now. I texted him back that I'll call him tomorrow at 3pm. He never answered the call the next day.
I sent him a text that I just tried calling him. Told him in that text that I don't want him back, that I just want to move on with my life ASAP.
No contact from husband for several days.
I went to go see an attorney right before the end of the year. The attorney got me all riled up. He told me why in the world am I putting up with this s@#t?! Even though my husband didn't have a lot of money in his checking account, he told me to withdraw half of it since it's the end of the month and the payments should have been allocated by now. He said his a@@ needs a "wake up call".
So, I sent a text to my husband that I went to see an attorney. He was shocked. He said we don't need to see an attorney. We just need to agree on terms, we have no kids nor a lot of assets, so it shouldn't be an issue. My heart sank...
Husband sends me a text that he got an alert from his bank that money was withdrawn and asked if I knew about it.
I replied to his text and told him my attorney advised me to take the money out. He said that wasn't nice and to deposit it back tomorrow.
I told him treating me like S%#T for the past six months wasn't very nice, wouldn't you say???
Husband calls me on the phone (second phone conversation in almost six months)
Tells me he's at a football game, can't talk, but re-iterates we don't need an attorney. He said we need to talk & there are some very easy ways to do this and he's looked at a bunch of legal stuff and wants us to figure this all between us - not an attorney.
Then, we started talking...
He said sometimes things happen that we don't understand. Neither of us will feel good coming out of this. He said neither of us felt good for a long time in our marriage. I said then we should have figured things out between us. You don't use OW and alcohol as a "band-aid". He said he wasn't using either as a band-aid. He said he needed to find himself...and hit rock bottom. I had my path, he did the same thing in his own way. I told him his path is "within" himself...and wherever he goes, that's where he is.
I started crying and saying he kept in touch with OW this whole time, saw her, started living with her and didn't keep in contact with me and hasn't seen me since June.
Then he started talking about attorney and asked what he needs to do at this point. I asked him have you definitely decided we're done, you want a divorce and want to live happily after with her?
He said I'm done and will live as a single man for the rest of my foreseeable future. Then he talked about all the emails and texts I've sent him about divorce, not wanting him back, etc.
Then I told him my internal time frae was the end of the year. He said it's not the end of the year yet. Well, I told him it's one day before the end of the year....
He had to go back to his football game and said let's talk on Thursday, after NYE.
On NYE day, I went to go talk to a life coach that I saw many years ago that comes from a very spiritual perspective. I told her my whole story and she said she uses a radical approach...and said she's going to be brutally honest with me...
We looked at my fears of losing my husband...how my insecurity and jealousy throughout the relationship caused me to push love away in order to protect myself...and how I became this obsessed, jealous woman and how my subconscious "intentions" or negative thoughts 24/7 eventually became my life and manifested where I am today.
We looked at my fears and the opposite of all those fears as well as my husband's positive aspects.
When I talked to my husband on Thursday, it was a completely different type of conversation. I told him I went to see this life coach and she made me realize I need to be authentic with myself and face the truth of my involvement and take 100% responsibility for my cause in the breakdown of our marriage. Then I told husband about my fears of losing him and how it made me into a jealous, obsessed woman and how he eventually found in OW what I stopped giving him. I was no longer my authentic self nor the woman he fell in love with and married.
His barriers went down and I could tell he was being receptive.
Then I told him all the positive aspects about him that I loved and how I enjoyed all the fun times we've shared and how I miss that.
The rest of the conversation went well, although he was still not being completely honest himself. He didn't himself tell me he's living with the other woman out of state.
He then had to jump on a conference call (or so he said). So, we had a one hour conversation. He said he'll call me tomorrow or send me a text.
That same evening (Thursday night) he sent me a text that we had a great conversation and need to talk more and more. He also wrote it seems to make sense to file our taxes jointly, don't you think?
I replied that I thought we had a great conversation as well and am looking forward to more heartfelt and honest communication. And that yes, it makes sense to file our taxes jointly.
I never got a text or call from him on Friday. I guess he considered the follow up email on Thursday night his reply?
On Saturday I sent him a quick email about some great news about my brother in law. I didn't mention anything about us in the email. Just wanted to share some really exciting news with him.
I never heard back from husband and don't know when he's going to contact me again.
One thing he mentioned during our phone conversation is that he's not so sure I can change that easily. I told him I have fears about him as well. He said infidelity is not something that should be tolerated and that it can't be. He said it comes back to something even more fundamental than that, trust. Then he went on to say that any relationship can not work without trust.
So, while he's telling me that the most important thing in a relationship is trust....he still has not disclosed that he's living with OW and being totally truthful with me....
Maybe that's why he hasn't responded to my email because I said I'm looking forward to more honest and heart-felt communication. He knows he's not being fully honest with me...
I guess it's a good start down the right path. Maybe I shouldn't expect too much, too soon? Take a deep breath and be hopeful that things may start to slowly improve? Any advice from the vets on here? :-)
I had a rough weekend b/c I got too excited by our one first positive phone conversation in six months. So, in an attempt to soothe my broken heart and quiet my bewildered mind, I went searching online for some positive ways to get relief or a different perspective.
I came across a YouTube video by Joe Vitale about an ancient Hawaiian healing mantra (still used today), It's called ho’oponopono and a medical doctor used this approach to clear out a whole ward of mentally ill criminals - without therapy. They ended up shutting down the mental institution & the workers asked him to do whatever he was doing on the patients to him. Fascinating stuff...still reading about it to get more info and see how it works.
It's just nice to keep my mind focused on positive and healing type of stuff. I also went for a hike in nature yesterday that I've put off for about three weeks so that was a really well-needed treat for me (love to be outdoors especially when it's scenic like where I was yesterday).
So, I just sent the following text to husband and said
"We both said it was great talking last Thursday and said we need to talk more and more. How does tomorrow look for you?"
He replied right back with - Not bad. Lunch?
So, I had to take a deep breath b/c I know the reason he wants to talk during lunch. It's because he doesn't want OW to know he's talking to me. Baby steps, right?? :-)
This will be the first time that I've talked to husband that I know for certain, "100%" that he's living with OW out of state, as I received employment info from his employer that lists him as a tele-worker from other state. Even though I was almost certain, it still put me in a tizzy. :-( His mail is still coming to the house, so that's how this was discovered...I previously wasn't opening his mail.
Should I bring it up in this conversation and disclose that I know he's living with OW? And try to have a real, honest conversation with him?
I'm wonderfing if it's best to be as authentic as possible. Maybe that will allow him to feel safe to start being honest with me as well? Guess I'm just journaling here. Feel free to comment if you have some thoughts. :-)
I called husband today during lunch. No answer - went straight to voicemail. --> Instead of my old reaction of getting upset, how can you treat me like that, etc... I took a **deep breath**.
I replied, "I just tried calling you. Are you on another call?"
He said yeah it's going on, and on and on. --> Instead of my old reaction of getting upset & thinking he could have at least let me know ahead of time he can't make it. I took a **deep breath** and replied, "Sounds like fun. LOL"
It changed the vibe.
Then he texted back how he's on a management call and was complaining about it & the team. I jokingly replied, so tell me how you really feel? LOL
Without me prompting him, he said he's free tomorrow during lunch. I then sent him a funny text about a Facebook message I saw about one of his friends and then remembered I can't talk tomorrow b/c I have an appointment during lunch. He suggested we talk over the weekend. I later replied that's even better because we can just "chillax" and have a good conversation. He hasn't replied to that, but maybe he's in a state of shock at this new attitude. LOL
Well, it's been interesting just observing my thought patterns this weekend.
I have really noticed my continual, negative thoughts about my situation, husband, his relationship with OW, etc. It's amazing to uncover and discover all this negative self-talk I've been carrying on with in my mind. I guess awareness is the first step toward making a change.
I am beginning to realize the quality of my life begins in my MIND.
Regardless of what's going on externally, I am beginning to see that I have the ability & power to associate whatever thoughts I choose to the circumstances in my mind.
I need to continue taking notice and change the "stinking thinking" in order to create a better quality life for myself - regardless of what happens with my marriage.
I went to a huge party last night. I saw a man whom I previously met over Thanksgiving weekend (at another event with mutual friends). Since Thanksgiving, I briefly saw him at a holiday party and he sent my a Facebook request afterwards. I never accepted. He then sent me a message on Facebook that he hopes to see me at the big party on Saturday. I never replied. We talked last night and before I left, he asked me out on a date. I told him "thank you" but I'm separated from my husband right now and it's not a good time for me, etc. Regardless, it's just nice to be reminded that there are nice & attractive men out there that will still find me desirable (even though my husband doesn't). It was also a reminder that men like to be pursuers and I've felt like I've been pursuing husband lately (which hasn't felt good to me).
Another thought based on Cadet's wonderful reminder:
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Today I have been thinking about this message and using this time to look "within" myself more. In so doing, I've discovered some more "interesting" revelations about myself . I initially wrote "bad" instead of "interesting" but I want to be loving toward myself as I work through some of these deep-rooted, internal issues.
I have previously put so much focus and energy on husband's flaws and shortcomings and never really took the time while we were together to look within and discover what are things about myself that I can improve? What is important to me? What is it that I want? What is it that I deserve? What makes me happy?
I guess subconsciously it kept the pressure off of me to grow, expand and become a better person. Maybe on a deeper level, it was because I was afraid I wasn't worthy?
I do know that I lost sight of myself. I also know I was not a fun person to be around when I got disappointed, or consumed by thoughts on what wasn't good or what needed to improve about husband/relationship (instead of appreciating what was already great and how things could become even better).
I also know I want to LEARN the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this experience. And in my next relationship (whether a renewed relationship with husband or a new partner) I want to take full responsibility for my happiness and mental well- being (instead of using someone else or a situation as a scapegoat for my unhappiness).
Maybe I should go to one of those co-dependent anonymous meetings. Has anyone gone and found it helpful?
Again, today I am just reminding myself to use this time as a gift and continue doing the work on myself.
I go to alAnon and it has saved my life and changed my life.
You are welcome to go to Any Alanon meeting. Over half the people in my groups are going to deal with an alcoholic in their lives - the point of alanon is to look at ourselves.
I strongly recommend
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
